Hi gothicels 

Place accept my condolences on the loss of your lovely mum.  My own mum went to heaven last Sept. I can only give you my own personal experience as to when the grief hit . It was about 8 weeks after.  I was like you,  empty..I got on with life and thought I was doing great and I was doing great on the outside. I could work, kids were happy etc. Then I started getting really really sad..I hadn't cried much nor was the pain incapacitating in the weeks after she went. I credited her with keeping me afloat during that time. Then after 8weeks it took me over, depression, panic attacks, anxiety, feeling utterly and totally exhausted, dizzy, weak, physically sick, paranoid about getting sick or my loved ones getting sick, loss of total control over life. All my hopes and dreams lay in tatters as my mother was my hopes and dreams esp with young children who adored her. I always thought she'd be here forever and she waited so long for her adored grandchildren and only got to enjoy them for 5 years. I'm coming out of the anxiety etc now but I'm   a long way off the shoreline still. I won't lie to you and say it gets easier as I'm not there yet and I truthfully don't think the pain will ever go away however I do think we make space for the pain and learn to accommodate it in our lives. I believe in the afterlife which helps no end. We have had so many incredible signs and visits from her, literally one a week. we keep a diary of all these visits and it pulls me out of a black hole when I feel crumpled and alone. I know I'll meet her again and I'm positive she is with me so that is the only thing that helps. I also have become so grateful for having my wonderful dad in my life, it's funny but when the chips are down you really see who and what is important. 

Much love to you and I wish you every peace and healing on this saddest of journeys.

Chat soon

Denise

I felt exactly the same as you after losing my lovely dad and sister when they passed away (far too young) this summer within weeks of each other.

The grief didn't hit me until I started a new job a month ago. Something about moving on with my life pierced the emotionless 'bubble' I'd been living in and I cried all the way to and from work every day for a fortnight. That was almost 6 months after I'd lost them both.

A counsellor has said they're fairly sure that I've got some form of emotional burn-out (since, like you, I had a lot on my shoulders in terms of caring for them and organising their funerals). That can manifest itself as an inability to feel intense emotions, including grief. It could be that you're suffering from something similar.

However, I've discussed my feelings (or lack thereof) with various friends and family. I was surprised by how many of them said that they'd not reacted to losing someone in the way they expected. One friend said it took her a full four years to grieve for her mother (like you, she had been primarily responsible for caring for her mum and had put up an emotional barrier as a coping-mechanism). 

What struck me is that all of us who've experienced this are very practical people who are perceived by our families as a source of strength. I think we get so used to holding it together for others that we forget how to let down our guard and feel something real.

I wish you luck on your journey through this. I'm planning on continuing to see a counsellor to help me to stop bottling up my emotions. Something similar may help you.

Best wishes. 

Hi Gothicels,

So sorry to hear you have lost your mother to this evil disease. It is still very early days for you and you may still be in shock. It sounds like you did eveything you could for your mother when she was ill and she would have known how much you loved her.

I felt I needed to reply as your 'story' is very similar in some ways to mine, my mother also used to drink but when my child was born she turned her life around and never drank again, she did it with no help and devoted her life to her family who she loved. 

In doing this I had the most fantastic, loving mother and my children had a grandmother who loved the very bones of them and would do anything for them. We had a very close realtionship as she did with all of us.  She was just always there for us no matter what.  I feel so incredible grateful that I had the mother that I did.

We lost her late last year to lung cancer and like you I feel like I am not grieving enough for her, I loved her so very much, spent pretty much everyday with her because I wanted to, she was my best friend, the person I would go to and tell her everything, the same goes for my children they adored her and would spend all their time with her. My mother was a enormous part of my life and now she is gone it just feels like I cannot and even refuse to accept the finality of it all. I still tell myself she's still in her house and I will see her again and tell her my news - crazy I know. We cared for her throughout her illness and this is something that I wouldn't change for anything.  I was glad I was able to do it for her.

I've cried on and off but not great big sobbing wails like I would have expected.  I've pretty much carried on with my life as much as I can, come back to work and continue pretty much as normal, if I can call this normal.  If someone had told me a year ago my mother would not be here I would have thought I would have been unable to leave the house, that I would have fallen utterly apart.  It just feels so unreal and if I'm living my life at the moment in a parallel universe and my life will one day continue as it was before cancer entered into our family and destroyed it. It just feels the worst thing that can possible happen has happened and still my life somehow goes on and on. When I talk about my mother and that she has died I just feel like I'm talking about someone else not my own lovely mother.

I also keep waiting for it to 'hit' even though I feel sad and I miss her beyond imagination it feels that when I do start to cry it is like something is telling me to stop and continue to carry on for my children as I do feel that I cannot fall apart as my children need me and I know my mother would hate to see us all going through this. I feel guilty that I am not openly sobbing in a corner that people must think I didn't love my mother and this hurts.

So I don't have the answers I just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Apologies for the long essay!!

Sending love to you and your family xxx