Hi daisy what a horrid time you must be having sometimes we suppress our feels but eventualy it hits us but you know it does get easier but you just have to ride with it have you had any berevment counciling unis are supposed to have councilers to help i suppose you must be feeling very vunarable now a new place new home new people ime an old wrinkly and i think i would be lost to and ive been through many hard things in my life .they say that dreams are the minds way that telling you something is unresolved in your life  .and my feeling is you need to talk to a counciler a family member talking about your feeling to a trusworthy person gets it out .its its only natural your going through this it sucks i know but its not been long and to loose a mum so young i just cant imagine . I lost my partner to this rotton disease nearly nine months ago and i went straight out got counciling joined a bereavement group anything to help with the pain counciling is not a magic bullet but it helps .unfortinatly know one knows how you feel till you tell them .do you find people try to change the subject when you mention your mum well the councilers dont do that .ime ime sure there will be more people pop by for a chat its i just suffer from insomnia theres some lovely understanding people on here that will chat some are even from canada . You dont mention you dad so dont know if he is still with you if so give him a call befor you go to bed ime sure it will help you both hearing a loving voice if hes not ime sorry to bring it up we get triggers at anytime just something a though feeling lonely and bang back comes the grief but you pain will dwindle but you have to work at it i suffer every day but its nothing like the torment it was .what a world it would be if we all kept the same as at the begining .i would have a word with your tutor mentor or whatever they are called they will try and help and understan how your feeling everyone will want to help but you just have to tell them if you have one of these anxiaty attacks give the samartans a ring i did they are very good they are there 24/7 just ring eplain whats happening they will just chat and help calme you down if not for them and a good friend on here i think i would have gone crazy and normaly i can deal with anything but because i had so many relying on me to support them i could show how stressed i was as i had to support my partner daughter and grandaught i had to talk to someone so give them a try if you spk to one and you cant gell with them say thank you and ring again best wishs paul

Hi Daisy...

Oh my heart goes out to you .. the thing about grief is, it comes in so many forms .. some before they loose someone, others strait away .. some grieve forever, some a week, month, or even years later ..

When the Dr told me and sis our mum had died, I felt really weirdly calm but felt this scream deep inside that l held in not wanting to scare anyone .. l coped with funeral, and all in all, felt her close to me ... so thought I would always be o.k with that ..

A few years down the line, something happened, I can't even remember what it was .. that deep hidden scream was bubbling up ... l got in the car, drove to a quiet place and out it came ... scream after scream ..  l realised that sometimes we bury those hardest memories, and feelings .. but they never go till we acknowledge them .. 

So my hunny .. there's a thing I learned from a Paul McKenna book .. when those scary memories stay in your head and overwhelm you... close your eyes... remember the funniest memory you have of your mum .  Or the sweetest... relive that good memory very slowly in your head ... word for word .. how they said it.. remember how it made you feel .. do it over and over till it pushes those dark last painfull memories away. . 

You have years of memories with your mum .. I bet she would tell You to remember all those years before cancer .. that was her ...that's how I want my son and loved ones to remember me .. l wasn't cancer .. it won't define me .. it won't change all those pre cancer years I had ..

Your mum and so many more were a victim of cancer ... that cancer now wants you too.. it wants your life to be filled with those memories .. then it takes everyone in to it's world of taking away good memories ...it's happy then ... well my hunny, don't let it take your lovely mum and the good memories away .. you hold on to them ... or it will make you a victim too ...and tell cancer, your finished with it .. it has No more power over you .. now your mum is cancer free .. it can never touch her again ..

So yes, still have those feelings .. miss your mum .. l still do 30 years on .. now I have cancer .. it won't define me .. it won't change who I  am .. if you want to chat more, let me know and I'll send a friend request ... sending you a big vertual nanny hug... Chrissie