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it hurts so bad

Tinkerbell163
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My dad passed away, his pain from cancer no longer two weeks ago now. He had just turned 62 and got the news he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. 

I cared for him at my house I never felt I had time to just stop and think how I’d cope when he’d gone. I’m 25 and my dads funeral is in a weeks time. My heart aches and I can’t get images of my lovely dad being so poorly with cancer erased from my head. I hope this will change?

i honestly feel depressed, one day I’ll carry on and I’ll feel relatively okay organising funeral bits and chatting to people or looking after my 12 month old. But in the evenings my mind wonders, I had 2 months of loving my dad since he was diagnosed before he went. I feel angry, sad, frustrated I didn’t get time. I didn’t get time to take him away to make more memories, for him to see my baby’s first birthday (3 days after he passed away). 

I feek constantly worried and paranoid I’ll become sick or someone else I love and adore will be taken away. 

I feel scared about doing life without my dad by my side, who else will check up on me like he did? Nobody compares to him. I thought I knew about heartbreak, but I clearly didn’t have a clue. Because although I can’t eveb always cry or express it I’m really hurting. 

  • Offline in reply to Axetogrind

    Yes I didn’t think of it like that, I’m unsure what the right thing to do is. X 

  • Offline

    Hi Tinkerbell,

     

    I have just read your post and realised you were the young lady that posted me a little while ago about your dads pancreatic cancer and asked me how quickly my husband deteriorated when he was also diagnosed with the same cancer.

    Firstly I am so sorry you are here discussing your dads passing, I couldn’t go into details about my husbands passing as it was truly upsetting and I couldn’t warn you of that pain! I know how much pain you are in like all of us on here who have lost loved one, my son who was the same age as you also found it extremely difficult, they were best friends, had everything in common especially the love of fast cars! His dad helped all his friends with problems with their cars also. At his funeral my son and his best friend carried him into the service and all 25 of his friends turned up for the service all in suits which was very overwhelming.

    I know you have a difficult time ahead of you and you are a young mum, you will  get through those days because our bodies do that and then afterwards you will find yourself very numb and in a different world. Look at your young child on your bad days and remember he will be looking through your child’s eyes at you with all that love he has for you. He will be so proud of you and you clearly are a loving and caring person that loved their dad so much and that is why it hurts!!

    I’m not going to tell you when it will feel a little better because only you will know, it has been just over 5 months since my husband has passed away and I have only just returned to work,it is hard, lonely and my life will never be the same but you have new life to look after and your child will depend on you like you did with your dad, he will always be with you. 

    Keep strong over the next few weeks and when you need to cry just cry, this is a process you will need to go through to come out the other end.

    I am sending you lots of love from someone who also was a daddy’s girl ️

    Debbie51

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