Chriss. Thank you so much for writing and appreciate and understand everything you have posted. I don’t quite know where to go from here because what you say and advise is exactly what I’d tell a friend. There’s always two sides and believe me I’ve tried for many years to understand why my daughter had this problem with me. I’ve tried gently to talk to her but unfortunately I’ve never managed to get to the bottom of the problem. I’ll take some of the blame because I’m not perfect.

But firstly the man sitting by my daughters side was never introduced  My daughter didn’t speak to me at any time even when I tried I finished up seeing a councillor in the hospice and he decided the best thing to do for my son was to see him alone

He gently asked my daughter to have a walk around the gardens or have a coffee and a chat  She made an awful scene but left  The stranger man sat on at the other side of my dying sons bed and refused to leave even when my husband asked him to. He had to ask the councillor to step in.

A few days later my son died and all my daughter said was that I’d lost two in the one day . Smiled and said goodbye  

My heart was broken  

Sorry about the length of the post but you seem to be someone who is very understanding.  I just can’t work it out  and it’s very embarrassing too.

Hi ime sorry your all going through this .your daughters friend could have been more tackful and gone for a walk why would you want your daughter to leave . I was with my partner in hospital as we had both been married before

when she was dieing i would have loved it if her daughter did that so she wasnt alone so never got a break  instead i took the brunt of it all .can i just say ive three kids and the middle child contracted diabetese when she was nine now we loved them all just the same but c needed more attension because she had a cronic illness and 32 years ago there was no internet and diabetes was less understood then and we were young parants .but my point is to my other two children only saw that c must be loved more because she got more attension see what ime getting at allso c saw it to and played on it but things like that stick with kids and cause reaentment in adulthood fortunatly i explained they are adults now but it did come out in the conversation what they though does that explain anything i could go on and on as i had it to .but perhaps in a while you might want to have a chat about it all as no ones going to come out of it well everyones going to hurt and why there is no logical reason its no ones fault but this rotton diease brings it all out but emotionally ...but the lodgic is far diffrent dont let cancer destroy your relationship . Of course thats what happend to us we are ok now but it could easaly have gone the othere way .even though i did everything for my parner her daught turned on me nearly sent me mad you would think she would be opposit but grief makes us do unreasonable things we would not normaly do shes suffering so bad now for it cancer eh see what it does to us crissies cuit right to and we are trying to help .best wishs and hope you manage to renunite with your daughter as the opposit will just bring more misery and lonelyness.for u all and if you leave it to long there maybe know coming back from it i suspect you both need a cuddle from oneanother  .paul

Hello hun, 

I'm so sorry to hear the loss you've had, and the way your relationship with your daughter has been damaged. 

Firstly, I just wanted to say, I saw that on one of your posts you said you were embarrassed. Families are complex things, and there is always going to be some kind of trouble going on with any kind of family, so please don't be embarrassed, it happens to everyone. 

I understand that things in childhood contributed towards tour daughters feelings, but she's an adult now. Instead of bringing a stranger to see your son in hospital, with no introduction of him to you or your husband, she maybe should have realised that no matter what, you and your husband needed her at that time. And she probably would have got great comfort from you herself. Now obviously there is two sides to a story, and if the man was there for support, then that helped her in her own way. But there is still the decency of introducing you all so you felt more comfortable about it. 

Your daughter has feelings about things that you don't know about, much the same as you have feelings that she doesn't know about. She may not even know how much it bothered you having the man there, she may just think it was you being awkward. But without actually speaking and communicating with you, she wouldn't know. 

Honestly, the best thing I can think of to do, is give yourself time. Time to accept what your daughter did, time to accept and think about what her feelings are like. Wait for it to all be less heated, so that when/if you decide to reach out to her, it won't end up becoming another argument that will upset you both. Harsh words get spoken when people are angry, and they are words we most likely come to regret. In the mean time, carry on supporting your husband, and seeking comfort from him too. You two have so much grief to deal with, I can't even imagine. 

But if you do decide to reach out, just remember, no matter what happens, you'll always have your husband and you'll always have the support of all of us on here. Message me anytime, I k ow it's helpful sometimes to get a better picture of things from a 3rd party point of view, who won't take sides and will just give genuine advice. 

Lots of love and hugs to you, your husband, the rest of your family and your Angel Sons up in heaven. 

A xxxxx

Chriss

Unfortunatel the world isn’t like the fairytale we all thought about as children. My daughter doesn’t want anything to do with me. This isn’t something that began with my son’s illness. When he died she had great delight in telling me that I’ve lost two. 

I admit that there isn’t anything I can do about my life turning out like this. It’s definately not how I saw it. I came onto this support 

just trying to put it into words. Looking at it because it’s unbelievable and just wondering what people in general would say about it. Simply put I’m stuck. I am grieving my son but having to feel guilty too because I don’t know how to handle my daughter. She’s a successful career woman who basically doesn’t have any time for me. 

Thank you for your kind words. Xx

Hi Jinty21,

I’m new here and since my mums passing in December I have found myself reading threads on forums and never taking part up until now.

 I keep coming back to your post as I feel although different experiences I have similar experiences. If that makes sense.

my mums passing was not expected as although she had cancer her prognosis was unknown. I can’t explain the feelings I have since she died and I have isolated myself indoors for a majority of my week as I find it extremely difficult to speak with people except my other half.

 I have an uncle who like your daughter has completely cut himself off from me since my mums passing. I have tried to reach out to him numerous times but he is very sharp in his manner and quite nasty. This really hurts me as I have always been close to him even though to be honest his behaviours have been selfish, rude and nasty to not only me but other family members (including my mum at times). 

Again I tried to reach out to him yesterday and today and tried to pacify him but again he is abrupt. To give you an example I have asked my uncle if he would like something of my mums to remember her by like an item of clothing. His reply was no and to give it to someone that needs it. 

I like you am hurt and cannot understand why he is behaving this way. I feel angry with him at times and other times totally bewildered. Although I know this is his personality (as I have no other way of making sense of his behaviour) I thought maybe losing my mum would make him realise that life is to short to carry on like this. I have even tried yesterday to ask him to let go of whatever eats him up as life is to short as he was getting very angry over another family member.

I have realised today that sometimes we can never change people or understand their reasons for doing what they do no matter how much time we invest in trying to understand them. We can only reach out to them and if they don’t accept it then we know we have done all we can.

I for one have realised that in times like I am going through my uncle still is the person he has always been and whilst I am trying to reach out to him he is not doing the same to me. I really should be trying to reach out to myself and spending my time grieving for my lovely mum. 

I have lost not one but two family members who I love dearly. Try and reach out to your daughter and at least you know you have tried. 

ASB

Dear ASB

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. You sound as if you had a good and loving connection with your mum. That’s something to build on to remember the lovely times. As for your Uncle he doesn’t sound like a person who understands what losing a mum is like. Leave him alone at the moment and continue with your own healing.  You’ll find out lots as time goes on  

I am not ready to enter into any communications with anyone who isn’t offering support  I just can’t handle it right now.  When I’m ready I’ll look back into world and see how it is.  I’ve found that I’ve got friends who love me and friends who avoid me.

Going through this time is really a wake  up call.  You’ll find out who loves you and who doesn’t and when your ready your life will continue in a different way but you’ll be with people who love and care for you.  

Very Best wishes and thank you for your kind words  

J21