Your wellcome and the lights flikering i beleive that .they say that electrics are used as contacts theres probably been other things you may not have noticed  ime not religious at at all spiritual is a diffrent thing regards paul

Yes they say smelling a love ones scent is a way you smelt it so it must be .paul

Hi Kkkerry,

You have been through shock and denial and are now moving on to pain and guilt. These are the first 2 stages of grief. You might find it useful to read about the 7 stages of grief, as it might help you to understand your emotions and realise that your feelings are all perfectly normal.

Going through cancer makes you realise how unimportant the small stuff is. I would like to believe that there is a beautiful continuation of life after this life, but I cannot quite grasp that. What I do believe is that my mum is always hovering by my side and, willing me and my family to do the right things in life. As a result, my family get great pleasure in doing things which would make her proud.

What you will find having cared for your mum, is that you have come out of it so much stronger than you were before cancer landed on your doorstep.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Cal,

Worse still, was that it wasn't a nurse who issued the threats, it was a doctor. I would have expected an oncologist to have more empthy with patients who have cancer.

I have had similar experiences in hospital with non-cancer related hospital stays, where I have felt that I should have said something - not for any monetary gain, but to prevent others from suffering in the same way. Like you, I let it pass without doing anything about it, because I was so low after surgery that I just didn't have any fight left in me. You really do need to be fit, or have somebody who is fit in your corner, if you want to make a complaint. It can take months and often years before you see any changes implemented.

Have you looked at the 7 stages of grief? I expect that you might find this helpful if you did.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx

A lot of things happen here as well especially with my lights. . It does help for a while but its the physical form and life as I knew it that I miss. I went and spent time with my grandson on Wednesday and felt pure love and healing from his presence and his little energy. . Its such a hard road this missing our beloved and I'm just trying to focus. It's the going to sleep I'm afraid of. Because if I dare fall into a deep sleep I'm waking up and reliving it all over again. . I'm actually exhausted. . 

Yes i understand when you wake up it hits badly .so as soon as i woke up i got out of bed plus anything that reminded me in the bedroom i moved out to the spare room your not getting rid of them as i said its all about getting our mentle energy back  can i just say this is what i did ive seven grandkids but one my little 3 year old grandaughter is such a happy little soul i used to go over and she used to charge me up something rubs off and you just feel a tad better liz and i both met later in life so we both had our own children but they loved liz she was my second chance at hppiness . But the horrid feeling does tapper off but its so slow you barely notice it . But it does know matter how we feel at the begging so try not to be alone all the time its comforting to be at home as we have to grieve but there comes a point were being alone to often can make it worse i used to drag myself out visit people etc etc i hated it but i new if i didnt i would never get out of this black hole .its all about healing your sole and yes your right its beyond exhausting but it does get eisier as you get your energy back at the moment you may not think that .theres also the things aur partners used to do and it all seems insurmountable but as your energy comes back slowly you start to deal with it yourself even a bill or something can flatten you just dealing with it can be hard nornaly you wouldnt bat an eyelid over its not just guilt theres anxiaty there as well if thats realy bad dr may give you something short term to help . So try and hold the thought that this all consuming pain does not last forever a good blub realy helps do you find even though your eyes are sore you just feel a little bit less tense .paul

Paul you've completely described every inch of what it's like. Yesterday I tackled a couple of official things that's been giving me anxiety and in absolute truth it was a relief and a slight miracle the outcome because I haven't been working paying anything and not actually caring so I thought at least my morgage would be in arrears and it was by just a few pounds. I thanked the power of my mum and angels because I've let everything slide for weeks and weeks. I told myself that it HAS to start to matter to me otherwise my existence here and what I've worked for has been for nothing. . Mum moved into my house just on diagnosis and she passed here. She took her final breath in my arms as it swept across my lips. It sounds like an end of a movie but as I read someone else say on here that the trauma of the last breath and beautiful being who we love with our whole being going is so traumatic. You've had it so much worse and to see your daughter suffer the UNTHINKABLE as my mum did and so many throes me into shame. But we're human beings and nobody teaches us how to let go of life and thoughs we love and we have to learn all over again how to live without. I've got mums dog who I think must be suffering confusion and so I stick to her like glue . I saw a friend a few days ago and sobbed all the way to her house but once I got there it was quite distracting and I did feel marginally better. I get anxiety if I'm out there too long. I like to get home and shut the world out. You've been a great teacher here Paul. Thank you 

Hi its amazing how just doing a few things that were stressing you out pulls you back to reality and it does make you feel a tad better i dont think ive had it worse its diffrent type of grief but it took a long long time but jen has a lovely husband and and they supported oneanother  which realy helps . Dont feel shame theres a bond between mums and children that i as a dad never get . Just keep going they way you are tiny steps dont worry about to much like you i go out but its nice to get home .it gives a safe feeling but make myself go out its all part of healing your soul getting that mental energy back its slow but you sound like you have started with the few small steps dealing with bills which is realaty some days you may drop back and feel awful but hold into the thought that it will not last . Just do everything at your pace not what others think you should do . Shakespeare wrote everyone is an expert on grief till they have to go through it themselves dont hold in the tears i blub regularly great safty valve just small steps and as you get sronger emotionaly you take bigger steps try some counciling i think it might realy help you as you seem a little bit positive because you get to talk and they dont change the subject and just talking about all your feelings realy helps i rang the local hospice for counciling as i thought they would have more experiance of dealing with cancer related grief and they did plus a lovely lady on here has become a great chum and was my lifeline and the lovely thing is she said i help her to  she has cancer and what a trojen that lady is n bl her so keep chatting as it realy helps the fact that your not alone gives comfort dont you think one thing make sure you eat and drink properly as just will make you feel worse please dont thibk ime partonising you its just ive been through it myself and i know its unknown territory theres no manuals on it to help  .paul

Hi Paul .. I've found that this site has been a huge help. It breaks my heart that mum signed into this site just before she started chemo. In fact it was the morning before we went for pre chemo check up. I remember thinking that I didn't want my mum to become caught up on a site for cancer in fear of her energy being affected. . YET HERE I AM AND YET HERE IT'S MY SALVATION. . I woke up the other morning thinking I too might have been like a tyrant. . Don't eat this but eat that. . I was petrified what foods would feed the ******* Cncer. . But my daughter has tried to assure me I was gently persuasive yet mum had her own way of doing things.  I'll never really know how much mum might have enquired about but I'm happy because I'd like to think that in the end she had her own plan and agenda with passing. . This site can be supportive and also shake you into a perspective. . When you read so many stories of loss and vulnerability. . It's fabulous support network and I for one am eternally grateful for all of you on here.  I've had a quiet day in my mind and my son cut me a lot of wood.  I'm holding onto the sides Paul because a couple of okay days are invariably followed by the tsunami of grief that sweeps from behind and your gone for a few. I pray you too are having an easy evening in your head and time today has been kind. . K 

I didnt find this site till after liz you will not have been a tyrant i can tell by your replys i know i wasnt now but if we didnt push a bit who would thats what caring people do but we suffer more after than the ones that did nothing but thats life i suppose im ok the waves i call em are not as frequent now you get more good days eventualy i guess my souls healing im certainly ok dealing with stuff now i allway put something ahead just to get me out even if i dont feel like it when i go ime glad i did .if you get a wave it doosnt last long i say that verbaly to myself it will! Not last long i suppose ime giving mysef counciling in a way seems to work .p