Hi there.

I wish there was a magic potion to help us all feel better. This grief roller coaster is certainly not nice - I know it’s something that we have to go through but it’s not easy.

I want to make it better for us all & I wish we didn’t have to go through it but in a way it shows how much our loved ones mean to us. I know my Husband would hate to see me like this - I just hope as everyone says that it gets easier.

Take care x

If you keep thinking look what i did do eventualy the guilt does start to go because i think we start to become more rational and realise we have no reason to feel guilty in fact quite the opposit but like you said its not easy but see how you go on putting good thoughts into your head as soon as you feel thoes false guilt thoughts starting to creep in hope it helps .be carfull on google thoe or it can be even more confusing .best wishs paul

Yes you got it .its funny i was same studying for hours i felt like you why couldnt i save liz but you know if these specialists cant how can we but you did the best you could and isnt that good enough i think you did and now ime more rational myself i know i did but with that sneaky disese even onclogists are making educated guesses dont you think  as theres 200 types of cancer they do there best to .paul

hi agree with you there its so hard actualy i dont think theres realy realy a word to decribe the pain and horrid loneliness i feel better than i did ime not in that deep void as much .times a great healer its a horrid saying better way of putting it is times a great healer but we have to work hard to get throgth it like counciling etc etc first thing i wanted to know was is this pain going to last forever  thats my beleife .paul

We’ll get there x

Thats a lovely positive thing to say we will get because we will best wishs paul

Xxxx

Hi Cal,

Surely, you must know in your heart of hearts that you are not the one who should feel guilty? Here you are still trying to protect your siblings from feeling bad, because they've not been there for your dad when you have.

You really have nothing to castigate yourself for, as you did all you could for your dad. You are not a miracle worker. Even the consultants and oncologists, who have been working with cancer for a lifetime, couldn't save him, so how can you expect to be able to?

As Paulus said, you will find that with time you become more rational if, instead of thinking of what you didn't do for your dad, try pushing that thought aside and think of what good you did instead.

Group therapy is not for everyone. If you feel that a counsellor might help, make an appointment as soon as you can, as there is always a high demand for them and a long wait to get an appointment.

It's not that long ago that I remember Paulus feeling totally forlorn and grief stricken and, I am glad to see that he is beginning to feel a little better. I hope that you will be reporting the same one day soon.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Yes your right i was in a terrible mess thats why i come on here and try and pass on what ive learned i thought if i dont work at getting through it ill never get out of this horrible dark place .i suffer every day but nothing like it was ime not forgetting my liz nor do i love her less maby more as ive realised what i had lost but liz definatly definatly wouldnt want me to be in a bad place so ime not going to let that rotton disease make me  its victim to .paul

Hi guys .. This thread has helped me. . I literally did everything I could for my mum. . But there were moments that took me by surprise and that not being a nurse in didn't expect and were out of my control but got dealt with and yet still I can be doing something simple and a why didn't I do this or that darts into my mind and it floors me.  I was relentless in trying to save mum and even when they got her home to me I was using my rest hour researching the next possible route to take.  I can't understand how even though mum was SO SICK and what we now know was her final hours I was still convinced that we could save her.  I feel SO GUILTY about refusing to accept this was the end and instead of laying with her holding her hand  I left my sister to watch over her while I came into the lounge and attempted to buy an oxygen machine because the hospital wouldn't give us one and I was petrified mum would need one and it not be here.  It was the first break I had all day and i was out the room half hour if that. My sister was at the end of mums bed on a bed chair I set up. My chair beside mum was ready for me  like it had been the night before. . After I did that I texted my daughter who had just left and checkedt on my son who was silent on the patio with the dogs. As I entered the room I heard mum take a sort of gasp and I ran to her. I realised at that very minute my precious mum was taking her last breath. There was no time except to tell her I loved her with all my heart. My sister had literally just closed her eyes .. I thought the end if I had to imaging it would be me clinging on to mums hand not catching her just as she's leaving the world. I held her in my arms and felt her last breath sweep across my lips and at that minute I felt despair and can't live with thinking that my mum might not have known I was there. What if she was scared at that moment.  When they got mum home she was unconscious but that day she was responsive to us.  We communicated throughout and I asked mum are you afraid of anything. She said *no I'm not afraid * I told her if she wasn't then neither am I and to not fear anything. I said I'd fight for her life until the end but when she was tired or didn't want to then to go and I'd be okay.  But there's so many what ifs. . I have taught myself to redirect my thoughts but deep down I think I was so hellbent on keeping mum alive I missed the ending if you know what I mean. I'm a fixer by nature and its not in my dna to acc accpt what's presented to me without a fight for a better ending.  This is what mum loved me for as she did my sister for her scattiness and my brother for his not takin things too seriously. . I'm the one my mum depended on for the serious stuff and I always delivered no matterhow many miles were between us. So I ask God the angels whoever why would I have expected to be any different.  We did have gentle moments I wouldn't leave mum for a second in hospital. They knew not to expect me to go at end of visiting until I'd got mum comfy and she was READY to sleep.  We even had the when I'mgone chat because I knew mum needed that but inside I was telling myself that although we're having this chat she is still going to beat this.  I'm so conflicted by the whole journey and it all took place from diagnosis to end in 7 weeks.  Sorry to ramble on. x