Hey there,

I’m sorry for your loss. My Husband passed away at the end of October. I like you cared for him at home.

I totally understand how you feel - everyone tells me hoe brave I am, how well I looked after him & how proud he would be of me but all I can focus on is what I didn’t do, I feel guilty about so many things. I wish I could have done more. Listening & talking to others who have gone through similar situations I know deep down I’m being irrational but it doesn’t help.

I can’t really offer any advice - just know that you are not alone & there are many going through what we are & the theme generally is that in time we will start to focus on the good times.

Take care xx

Hi cal yes guilt seems to go cap in hand with grief i felt the same it took me and age to kick it and it still trys to rear its ugly head no matter how you cared for your dad you would still find something to blame yourself for i think its something you have to work through .i used to think why did i not do this or that but you know if drs cant save our partners how can we you did your very best what more could you do .just keep telling yourself i did my best when thoes rotton feelings start to come . We are human beingings we are not angels we do what we can and thats good enough it shows our love in a way if we didnt care or love that person we wouldnt feel guilt just blame the cancer its so sneaky it hides then grows then it comes with a vengence or slow .we thought my partners cancer was slow growing and she was gone in weeks .paul

Hi Tholli1

Thank you for replying and Im sorry to hear about your Husband.  

Its comforting to know others are feeling the same and its not just me.  You're right.. deep down I know I'm probably being irrational but theres always that niggling feeling that I cant shake. 

Thank you for your words and reassurance it means a lot. X

Hi Paul.

Its a disease I wouldnt wish on anyone.

They told us my dad had 12 - 18 months with palliative chemo but the chemo i think killed him off quicker than it helped him. It was preety much 6 months from diagnosis to him passing. They told us he had it a very long time because of the way it had spread - he wasn't one to go to the doctors so I know theres no point in thinking.. what of we had caught it earlier etc.

I do try to knock back the feelings of guilt when they surface, its hard though isnt it. Im sire in time they will become less and less. The only thing that gives me peace of mind is to know hes no longer suffering. 

I'm so sorry to hear that you have also lost someone you love. Im sure she would be proud and grateful for all you did in her last weeks aswell xx

Hi Cal,

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad and offer my sincere sympathy. It sounds as if you did everything you could for him, Not many daughters would have undertaken the care of a parent who was so ill, in their own home and even took time off work to care for him.

When those little niggles start getting to you about not doing the right thing in leaving him upstairs for so long, tell yourself that you were preserving his dignity. At the end, when this was no longer possible you brought him downstairs, but you did nothing wrong.

We have recently lost my mother-in-law and I know only too well how upsetting it was as she stopped eating and drinking. The nurses had explained why this happened, but it was especially upsetting for my 97 year old father-in-law, who kept saying that he couldn't just starve her. It sounds as if you did all that you possibly could for your dad, so please don't chastise yourself.

What ages are your children? Are they old enough to be able to talk about your dad, or do you have family members who you can confide in? It will become so much easier to come to terms with things when you can. Would you consider seeing a counsellor about how you feel? Sometimes this can help you get back on track again.

I am thinking of you. It will get easier with time, but nobody can say how long this will take.

Please keep in touch. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi there i spent hours studying this guilt thing the shrinks call it false guilt its blinking awful theres no reason to feel guilt because we didnt do anything but care for our loveds one the best we can and the main thing is our loved ones knew that my partner said she had never felt more loved and cared for .but i still knocked myself out with guilt so try and think of the good things you did do whenever these thoughts start to creep in best wishs paul

Hi cal yep its the scurge of humanity its so sneaky it hides and grows theres no logic to how it works so our minds cant work it out so we go a bit bonkers till we realise we cant work it out but is so exhausting and we get mentaly weak but the guilt starts to go as we get mentaly stronger as ive said think of the many good things you did when these guilt thoughts creep in best wishs paul

Hi Jolamine,

Im sorry to hear you have also lost someone special to you. 

I dont have any children - just a brother and sisters. I dont really feel like I can talk to them too much about the guilt thing because they weren't really around that much for my dad in the end so without them thinking... "well if she feels guilty then we definately should". If that makes sense.

I should go and see a counsellir really - the doctors referred me to a  random group while dad was still here to cope with the stress side of things but it just wasnt for me. 

Im going through each day now feeling like I want to scream. My partner is taking the brunt of it and althpugh i know a lot of the time im being irrational I cant see past it. I know its part of the grief and I just need to work through it but it's frustrating. 

Xx

Thank  you Tholli,

What you are saying makes perfect sense and I know it deep down but its just getting to that point where you caan be rational with your thoughts isnt it. 

I think I might do the same as you and do a little research into it

X

Hi Paul,

It's frustrating because most things in life you can try to "fix" but when you can't do that the mind goes into overdrive. 

All the time dad was here I was researching stuff that could "cure" him but deep down I knew it wouldn't help. But even so when he died I was furious at myself. Why didnt I try harder etc. 

Again.. I know its all the grief setting in and its nust a case of becoming mentally stronger to rationalise those thoughts. Easier said than done though isnt it. 

X