Dear Paulus like liz mum got sepsis after her first round of chemo. . I felt and still do sometimes so angry at the oncologist for giving her the strongest dose to start with and angry that she went into hospital poorly and caught something that isn't at all cancer related and it killed her. I argued that cancer didn't kill mum and so her death certificate shouldn't say that it did but I feel once that form was signed with the oncologist we're not in control of anything again. I know that in this life the law of the jungle is our parents go before us. And I know you've survived the unthinkable and lost a grandchild.  Which obviously means you've had to support a grieving child.  I can't understand the balance of life when I read stories of such loss and pain. Since my little brother was killed and later my dad my mum and I were a team. I adored her strength and bravery to go on to not only live but enjoy life with a positive outlook.  I want to be like her and actually hate myself because I just know I'm not. I think I'm in the depth of my grief and can only go on a hourly basis. You as well inspire so many including me. God bless you. And your precious Liz 

Hi keep holding on i know your in purgatory at the moment and being someone who trys there best to put things right is even worse but we cant always you certainly did your best like me  caring for a loved one is mentaly exhausting as well as physical i found once my emotional strengh started to come back the pain started to go its like a battle between our logical brain trying to fight our illogical subconscious brain trying to punish us .yes i grieved twice one for my daughter and again for my granson loosing your brother must have been terrible .the chemo wipes out the immune system they thought she had got some stomach contents in her lungs because she was paralised with the stroke the stroke specialist said he had seen sepsis kill in hours . We were warned of it so took lizs temp twice a day but the stroke happend i even blamed myself for the stroke but i dont now .so just hang on till you get stronger bless you and thanks for your reply thats helped me to .paul

Jolamine, your words are of great comfort and really do help. Im so grateful you replied to this thread. If you dont mind me asking.. having had cancer yourself.. was you ever scared? Although I have guilt alot of the time.. because my brother and sister werent there very much for my dad (we all cope differently so maybe this was the way of coping) one of my other main concerns was how my dad was feeling. Was he scared and just not telling us, and I also felt devastated that the other 2 disnt visit as much as they "should" have. I don't dwell on this too much though because I lnow he would have told me to forget about it. 

Xx

Paulus. I think Liz was very lucky to have someone like you in ger life. It sounds like you did absolutely everything you possibly could. 

I got so frustrated with my dad when he wouldnt eat and drink.. i obviously know now that he just couldn't. But at the time I was Angry. Why wont you try and help yourself. Come on.. this could help make you feel better... this is part of the guilt trip Im on at the moment but trying to work through. 

I know your Liz and my dad knew we were only  doi g it for them though. 

My worry is that I haven't hit rock bottom yet. Im atill just trying to hold it together and be the "strong one". 

I admire your strength and just hope with the aupport of this group I can get to a better stage eventually. 

Xx

Well thank you cal you know i whent through exactly the same i used to tear my hair out trying to get liz to drink it was almost like liz was along for the ride i did all the running around and worrying etc you just complemented me on how i looked after liz yet you did exactly the same with your dad so why are you feeling guilty when you cared for him the same as me thats grief for you we complinent one person yet knock ouselves for doing the same its all about healing ourselves now dont you think and you have that strenghth there to bet your dad felt same as liz bet you he knew it and was very proud i would be .paul

Hi Kkkerry,

Yes, I feel very blessed to have had 9 years since I was first diagnosed and, if it's up to me, I certainly intend to be here for many years to come.

There is certainly a strong body and mind connection. The first year of my diagnosis was like something out of a nightmare. After that I saw another surgeon, who took over my treatment and, what a difference that made!

I would agree with you that no hope is futile. I lost both of my parents to cancer, as well as several relatives and close friends. Initially, I was certain that I was going to go the same way. One day I woke up to reality and, realised that I had a lot to live for and, if I didn't take control of my own fate, I had no chance.

I decided to take take myself in hand and I started to attend various post-cancer classes in mindfullness, pain management, relaxation techniques, coping with cancer, self-bandaging and massage for lymphoedema, replacement of both knees (which deteriorated with hormone therapy), catarract operations to both eyes, then another 3 laser eye operations (the side-effects of pain killing drugs), yoga, exercise classes, weight reduction classes, etc.

As time progressed, I gradually realised that I was feeling better. I am by no means perfect. Like many people on this journey, I have my moments of panic, anger, fear and a plethora of other negative emotions. When this happens, I now try to look for more positive vibes. I also try to live amidst more positive people. I am not particularly religious, but I have also resorted to prayer at times. All of this has helped immensely.

I know as well as you and many others, that there is no miraculous cure for cancer, but I do hope that my story can give some hope and inspiration to others.

You are spun out and totally exhausted after your experience of the past 5 months. You no doubt kept going on Adrenaline when you gave  of yourself so selflessly to your mum, . It takes some time to get your own health back to par, before you can start to deal with your grief. There are different stages of grief and, you are working your way through them. When you get days where it just engulfs you, just go with them. Don't try to look to the future. Instead take things day by day, or even hour by hour, until you are able to cope with more.

I am sure that your mum would be so pleased to see you getting your life back to normal again. Try and live your life in a way that would make her proud.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Cal,

You ask if I was ever scared. The answer is yes, I was absolutely petrified at times. I have lost both of my parents and several relatives and friends to cancer. Initially I was convinced that I was going to go te same way. It's a long story, but I was not treated properly by my first surgeon or his breast care nurses.

The first time I met the oncologist she threatened to section me, because I told her that life wasn't worth living as I had lived it the previous week. I had just lost my chief bridesmaid and best friend to bowel cancer and, we buried her on a miserable rainy Monday. On the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I had been in 3 different hospitals for tests, which had taken the full day in all cases. On the Friday, I was back in hospital to see her.

I can assure you that I wasn't making any threats at the time, but she construed that I was threatening suicide. Nothing was further from my mind. It was just a statement of what I thought my life had become. My husband and I tried our best to persuade her that this was certainly not the case, but I found this threat absolutely terrifying on top of my diagnosis.

She wanted me to have radiotherapy after my lumpectomy. By this time I had discovered a fairly large lump in my other breast, which my surgeon refused to scan. I had already refused to see the oncologist again, in case she carried out her threats. I refused to have radiotherapy, claiming that there was no point in treating one breast whilst ignoring the other. After 11 months, my surgeon referred me to see the surgeon in charge of the surgeons in the area. He dressed me down for 1½ hours in a freezing cold lecture theatre, saying that they couldn't have patients dictating what sort of treatment they had. I pointed out to him that I wasn't asking for any favourable treatment and, that I simply wanted an examination of my other breast.

Immediately he examined me, his whole demeanour changed and, he sent me for an mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy straight away. He found a sizeable lump, but fortunately it was benign. We then discussed whether or not there was any benefit to having radiotherapy that late on. He referred me to two eminent radiotherapy researchers. One thought that it was worth trying anyway. The other advised that there was absolutely no point in having it any later than 3 months into my diagnosis. I had more faith in this gentleman and went with his advice.

Four months after this I discovered another lump in the original breast. This was another primary cancer, which we suspect grew because my original surgeon hadn't removed a big enough margin when he carried out my lumpectomy. Fortunately my cancer is grade 1 and is not a very aggressive type, so it should not have recurred. This time I had a double mastectomy. I was then advised that I didn't need radiotherapy because all of the cancer had been removed.

I had some horrendous side-effects from my medication, which eventually resulted in 2 full knee replacements and 5 eye operations. I also ballooned up in weight.

I just could not believe my reaction to my initial diagnosis. I knew that I was being unreasonable with all of my family, but just couldn't stop myself, I cried copiously when I was on my own. I was angry one minute and terrified of death the next. I couldn't sleep. I was an absolute mess.

It wasn't until I changed over to the second surgeon and had got over my mastectomies, that I decided that I had to take hold of the reins and do all that I could to fight this disease. I started attending all sorts of post-cancer classes in an attempt to help myself and everything changed from there on in.

Most of us find that our emotions are all over the place at first. Tears are not such a bad thing as they are a good stress-reliever. There are so many unknowns at this stage that it's no wonder we feel like we do, but we begin to feel emotionally better as we start treatment.and physically better once treatment is behind us.

You shouldn't feel any guilt at all for your brother and sister. It is them who should feel the guilt. At a guess, I'd say that your dad probably knew that they weren't comfortable around him when he was ill. If this was their normal nature, he possibly even made excuses for them to himself.

If you think that he would have told you to 'forget about it', this is possibly the best thing that you can do? It is certainly not your fault and is not for you to feel guilty about.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Cal21 hello. . I have knocked myself up over this as well. . I use to just say a sip but mum must have not been able to as well.  I just wanted her to have fluids to flush the toxins out and so to keep her alive.  I thought at the time it was mum just giving up and I didn't want her to. My sorrow seems to be getting worse NOT better.  Is this normal do you know?  I wake up in pain and aching to just have her back here. . It's like a living hell going over and over it all in my head x