Hi Paulus,

I am sure that you don't love or or forget your Liz any less - maybe as you said, even more, as you now realise what you've lost.

What you have realised is that Liz wouldn't want you to be in a bad place for the rest of your days. We never forget our loved ones and, will always hold them in our hearts, but we do gradually come to terms with our losses.

In helping others on this forum, I suspect that this has also helped you to cope. I know that I find that my contribution here doesn't just help others. It helps me to forget some of my own troubles for a while and, concentrate on trying to support others who have their own trials and tribulations to overcome.

Kind regards,

Jolamine  

Absolutly yep giving a bit of advice to ones suffering who are not as far on as i am . Plus ive lost all my parants aunts uncles a grandson . And my partner so ime not a stranger to grief my liz passed so unexpectedly this nearly finnished me .but i could sit with my head in my hand or get out there and start again its the young that loose there parants paentners and wives that touch me as they have been cheated. By this rotton disease. The detection rate of cancer is scandalous in uk the mistakes and cockups ive seen to once telling a nurse in recovery sweet how to set up a blood presher moniter as it was new and was giving false readings all i can say thank goodness i studied up and bought this stuff myself to check  lizs vitals i knocked myself to pieses with guilt over it and as you start thinking straight you realise its not real guilt at all so i come on when guilts mentioned and try and give a bit of help relief or whatever i can do. much the same as yourself and the many otheres that try to help .regards paul ps i didnt mean go out and find someone else but i have 7 grandchildren and to some ime ime the only grandad so i have to keep up a solid front for them and my 3 children . 

Hi Kkkerry,

It is always difficult to deal with something that is totally out of your control, especially when you are a fixer by nature. Many people who are caring for a loved one tend to refuse to believe that the end is near, instead persuading themselves that they will overcome whatever cancer hurdles are thrown in their way. If you have not rubbed shoulders with death before, many find it difficult to know when the end is approaching. Your mum's journey was a short one, which must have made it more difficult for you to come to terms with.

I am glad to hear that you managed to be present as she drew her last breath. Many people tend to find a quiet spell to slip away on their own, and this can upset their loved ones even more. By the sound of things, you would have found that even harder to cope with.

The hearing is one of the last senses to leave us, so the chances are that your mum did hear you profess that you loved her with all your heart. I doubt that any of us could depart this mortal coil in a better way than hearing this from a much loved daughter.

We all have regrets about things that we should have done, but it sounds as if you did all that you possibly could for her. I'm sure that she was aware of this too. Instead of castigating yourself for what you didn't do, try to turn your thoughts to a more positive  reaction by thinking of all the good things that you did do for her. You have even gone through some of the hardest discussions anyone can have with their parents - the when I'm gone chat, the are you afraid chat and, I'm sure several others. Many people never get around to these because they are too difficult to bring up.

You have enough to deal with your grief at the moment but please don't add guilt to the mix.

I am thinking of you and, wish you the strength to get through this

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx.

Dear jolamine thank you so much for your encourimg and supporting reply. ..I'm slowly learning to accept that I did all that I could with the lack of time we had to wrap not only our minds around it but our emotions. . I remember when the consultant came to deliver the results of a ct scan and revealed the disease hadn't spread to mums brain yet. . She had suffered a slight stroke. Naturally it was good news but the stroke seemed to be of little concern to everyone other than me. . What I'm trying to convey is that,  I was always the one that would want to leave no stone unturned and be openly horrified but relentless as you say in,  not accepting prognosis or endings. . It's thee most painful and confusing journey .. As you all here know and as different as some of the stories are,  for those of us who's endings were and are the same the grief and sorrow match one way or another. . Thank you for your kind and comforting response .. God bless you xx

Hi Kkkerry,

I lost my mum to secondary breast cancer 21 years ago. By the end it had spread to her brain, bones, liver and lungs. They didn't check her lymph nodes then, but I suspect that it was also there. I know just how heartrending it was watching her deteriorate so quickly before my very eyes and, how awful I felt not being able to stop the progress of her cancer. There are many things that I regret about her passing and things that I wish we had talked about. Although that was so long ago, I still miss her every day.

I have also had 2 bouts of breast cancer myself in the past 9 years and, have now had the opportunity to see care from both sides of the fence.

I know from the sacrifices you made for your mum and, from what you have told us, that you did all you possibly could for your mum. There is no point in letting guilt for minor omissions eat away at you. I can assure you from my personal experience that no gestures, no matter how great, can beat the love and support that a family member can give.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Kkkerry,

Im so sorry to hear about your mom. From what i have read you did absolutely everything you could have done to help your mom. 

I personally think that trying to "fix" things and to try and find this miraculous cure that we convince ourselves will save them gives both us and them hope. I believe Hope helps a lot of people get through this better than if they didn't have it. I know for me... i absolutely convinved myself we could get a herbal cure for my dad and we could cure him. I still remember him saying "you really think this will work dont you"

If my dad (and me) didnt focus our energy and think about the "we can cure this" I think it would have been a downward spiral. Im glad my dad thought I was trying my best and (i hope) believed it himself so he didn't deteoriate or lose spirit sooner. 

On the other hand of this though is where the guilt comes in. "Why didn't I try harder" "why didnt I do more to try" which is the little loop of guilt Im stuck in at the moment.

I also truly believe that they know you are there until the very end. Im sure my dad could hear all of us kids in the room laughing at some stupid joke and he felt like he could go. Earlier that day he was making a lot of noise and I was so upset. I said to him " Dad, you dont have to fight anymore if you dont want to. Im going to miss you but its ok to go if you cant do it anymore."

I honestly did not expect him to go that day. The nurses said a few weeks but it could be days, so just to be on the safe side I called my brother and sister and told them they should come round. 

Time is a healer they say so hopefully some day it will get easier for all of us. 

Jolamine.. it means a lot you saying that nothing can beat the love and care given. I truly hope my dad felt like it was good enough for him. 

Paulus I 100% understand what you mean aswell. Our loved ones would want us to carry on with our lives and that means picking ourselves up and getting on with life the best way we can without them.

Xx

Hi Cal,

Like Kkkerry, you are another lady who gave her all to your dad. You said "I personally think that trying to "fix" things and to try and find this miraculous cure that we convince ourselves will save them gives both us and them hope". What is life without hope? Life without hope is lost. Everyone will tell you that to beat cancer, you need a positive attitude and, it sounds as if this is what you instilled in your dad..

Giving your dad that hope was one of the many great things you did while you were caring for him. In my experience, time is a healer, but the length of time can vary markedly from one person to another.

Your guilt is one that many of us suffer when we lose a loved one. Strangely, we often find that those in a family who should feel guilty never do and, those of us who have no need to feel guilty, seem to think that they could have done more.

I am glad that you picked up on me saying that 'nothing can beat the love and care given'. Since I started my own cancer journey, I have had some tremendous support from some very unexpected places and, I am convinced that this is what has kept me going for the last 9 years. Doctors are not magicians and neither are we. The power of love can surmount most things associated with cancer. Things like fear, worry, concern for others can all be overcome - sadly, death is not one of them.

Thinking of you all and, assuring you that you will get there eventually.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi i totaly totaly agree with you there i studied and studied i think i know more about about cancer than anyone liz had total trust in me because i never let up you cant for your partners sake it takes its toll on you arterwards thoe . The more you try the more it hurts afterwards and the more guilt. you even feel guilty for pushing your partner to drink and eat you cant win i think you just have to work throe it take the pain but never give up or you never get out of this black hole because you have to hit rock bottom then theres only one way to go and thats up you have to save yourself i grieve for  lizs life she didnt have not for myself .paul

Dearest jolamine. . To hear that you've been and beaten the  $*** out of C. for 9 years is remarkable and inspiring for all of those on here who are facing their journey and for me who whole heartedly believed that it can be done. . Someone asked me recently if I felt at all jealous when I saw others with their mum's now that mine has gone from this earth.  And I can HONESTLY say no. . Not in the slightest. . I adored my mum and there will never be a day in my life that I will regret giving mum the hope and in some way the denial that this will take her. I've since agonoised if I should have given mum such false hope because I feel like I let her down. . But your journey is proof that NO HOPE IS FALSE. . I use to lay beside mum and repeatedly remind her of the mind and body connection. . And to tell her to not give up unless she was tired and I will understand. . But where there is life there is hope. That all doctors are not god and to believe in miracles. . Everything I thought I believed in has left me on a temporary basis because I'm so spun out by the past 5 months and caught up in a vortex of just grief pain and without. I feel almost brain damaged and can't think straight on the days where it just engulfs me.  I wish for you to still be here giving your support and experience for many many years cancer free. You are a huge inspiration and for some heaven sent. . May God bless you with a long and healthy life x