Hi Mandy,

So sorry about your dad's passing.

You sound like your head is in a complete spin, but try not to allow the 'what ifs' in.  I'm sure that over the years you have said to, and done everything with, your dad that you needed too.  We can never have enough time with loved ones but we can trust the they know we loved them and that is what matters.

I have no doubt your dad knew that you loved him.

I'm here if you need to talk, I realise it's that time of year when we worry about sharing bad news with others in case we 'ruin their day' so please do come on here and talk to me if you want to tell me about your dad or whatever helps you.

Lots of hugs,

LJx

So sorry to hear your sad news. No matter how much time we have, none of us is prepared. I don't have any great words to help but I have found this forum helped me - we're all here to support each other. 

I can appreciate what you are going through as my dad died when I was on holiday & although he had oesophageal cancer I wasn't ready to lose him.

Be kind to yourself - I'm sure you too did all you can & he would've appreciated it all.

Sending you a big hug at such a difficult time.

X

Hi Mandy,

I have only just come across your post and just had to say how sorry I am to hear that your beloved dad died on Christmas Day.My sincere condolences to you and your family.

You are bound to have all sorts of emotions buzzing through your head just now. Don't chastise yourself for the things that you never said or done with him. It sounds as if you have supported him throughout his cancer journey. Everything will feel very raw at the moment. Let yourself cry if you want to, as it is a good way to relieve some of your stress.

You will gradually come to accept that this has happened, but it will take time. What other family do you have? I sincerely hope that you can support one another through this.

We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you LJ for your kind words. There are so many thoughts and feelings all whirring around. As I said, although he’d had cancer for some years it hadn’t felt like we were entering the final period, and I suppose I felt like there would always be more time and although since his diagnosis I had made more effort to do things, going on holiday together, I feel that this last year, for various reasons I didn’t do so much. 

M x

Hello and thank you for taking the time to reply. 

That must have been hard losing your dad when you were away. 

There is never enough time.  Often it was hard to know what to say when someone has an illness that they aren’t going to get better from, so I would more often ask my mum how he was and what was happening rather than go direct to him and because he hadn’t physically been all that ill until very recently, and he would never ask how long he had you kind of thought it would be longer. 

I wish I’d asked him more, although I have just scrolled through my texts to him and I see there were lots of them 

M x

Thank you Jolamine,

yes it is raw and I wish I could make my mind think of something else and pretend he was just some other place. 

Yes, I do have other family, Mum, brother, partner, son, so I am fortunate in that way. 

We had our family Xmas day early this year, as we take it in turns, so we had Xmas with my Dad  

i hope that as time passes I’ll be able to remember the positive things and the stuff we did together and not the things that I wish I could have done with him but didn’t because I was too wrapped up in my own life etc  

Thank you again  

M x

That is just so sad to hear that, especially on Christmas day :(.

I lost my Wife at the end of November and even though I knew she was very ill I never thought she was going to pass away when she did. She was 46 years old and was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2016, I'd been by her side every day throughout her journey even to the point where I had to get signed off from work myself because I had grabbed the reins and occupied myself with the relentless routine of looking after her when she couldn't do it anymore.  

We loved each other dearly and were inseparable, I even stayed with her during her last 48 hours in hospital. Nothing was left unsaid and we were together until the end when she passed away.

But, every day since losing her the pain has been unbearable, I cry every day to the point I collapse with exhaustion it is awful, I miss her terribly and I get so frustrated that she he had her life taken away when she still had things to do,  we had plans and now they have been ruined.  As daft as it sound's, her funeral on the 21st Dec was the easiest day to get through though. It was surreal, as if it wasn't really happening, it was almost as if I'd been aneathsatised. Probably best for me that it went like that!  Christmas day though was by far the hardest to get through, I just hated it and so did our teenage children. It felt so wrong doing it without my wife.

I think that the pain which grief brings us all is going to hurt like crazy whatever the circumstances. In our minds there are hundreds of thoughts, feelings and memories that we have about our loved ones. Happy mememories make us sad because we'll never do those things again, and the thought of going forward without that person makes us sad because we don't want to leave them behind ,and we don't want them to miss out on the life they should be having.  I just don't know myself how to get through it?

People say to me "she's with you, or she's watching over you" and I think 'oh yeah' , where then?  If that was the case she wouldn't want to see me feeling like I do!  There are some nights when I go to bed I'll leave a pen and paper on the side in the kitchen and I'll say to her "if you can hear me, just leave me a note to say you're OK now", or sometimes I'll steam up the mirror in the bathroom and say the same thing hoping that she'll write on it.  I think if I knew that she was now safe and in a better place and no longer suffering then in myself I'd feel a bit more comfortable with her passing. None of it is easy and it just seems to get worse the further I get from the day she passed away. 

Grief is an awful thing and there is no right or wrong way of dealing with it, I hope that you can muddle through the days though as best you can.  They say times a healer, I can't see how right now,  but no doubt one day we will find out how true that really is X

James

I just wanted to say on behalf of the Cancer Chat team we are so very sorry for your loss.

Our thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Oh James,

That is so sad. Yes, even when you know they are very ill when it comes it is a shock. My Dad was 76, so not young, but he’d only a few days ago been told that his chemo had stopped working but that they were going to try some radio therapy to help with pains etc, but he just needed a couple of days in the hospital to sort out an infection, so we were still thinking this isn’t the end. 

46 is young and you would have had so much of life left and things to do together.

That is a comfort that you were there until the last with your wife, and that you could say things you needed to. 

Grief is rubbish, dying is awful. It’s natural though and will happen to everyone, so why can’t we cope with it better? My son said he wished we were like dogs “Oo grandad is dead, sad. Oo you’ve got some food - happy!” 

I’m not religious but it must be a comfort for those who are, who can think their loved one is some other place and you will see them again one day.  Maybe we can pretend that is true if it helps. 

I understand it’s that never hearing from them again. Just wanting a message, like leaving a note for you, so so sad and heart breaking. My mum has my Dads mobile. I’m thinking about asking her to send me a text from it. I know it’s not him, but I could pretend. 

My great grandmother died about 25 years ago and said to me if there is any way of sending you a message when I am dead, I will do it. But we never heard anything. Sometimes even now though I occasionally see someone who looks like her from the back and that is actually a very pleasant feeling. 

Certainly I know my Dad isn’t suffering physically anymore, like your wife, but still it hurts. 

Sorry this is all waffle-y nonsense. I just hope that as time passes (a lot of time I’m sure) it will hurt less, somehow. Or maybe you just get used to it hurting. 

Thinkng of you and everyone in this position

x

Just want to add my condolences.  Births, deaths and other (ultimately natural) occurences take no account of what the rest of the world is doing but it doesn't half make you feel even more alone at these times when the rest of the world seems to be having a great time.   I have been posting here for just over one year now and remember last Christmas Day when another lady came on to the forum to say her mum had just died a couple of hours earlier.  Ultimately I could just offer support and friendship and I hope you also will accept these things.  Many of us have lost our parents to cancer (I did - my mum died this way) and can understand the total confusion and worries about what we should or should not have said but really when you love someone then they know that they are loved.  Hold together with your loved ones.  Annie