Hi Emma

Gosh I remember going through this stage myself :( I was so angry at everyone. It really isn’t like me to be angry and confrontational and hurtful...unfortunately I was until the man I was married to at the time said to me one day, “I can’t take this anymore”. That felt like a slap around the face and I soon snapped out of it. He’s a lovely man (now separated but great friends) and still today, several years on I apologise to him for the way I was. It was so out of character....and I can see from your post that this is also out of character for you and that it is concerning you. 

I think it is amazing that you have this insight (I didn’t...I only realised how much of an ar$e I’d been to my husband until he was at breaking point). This insight means you can take some action xx 

Action might include visiting your GP....telling your husband what you have typed above....when you feel anger coming on, deliberately taking time out...counting to ten...exercising (I started running on the couch to 5K program and found that helped so much) xx 

This sounds a bit controversial but...Could you pull out of Christmas? That is a huge responsibility and someone who isn’t grieving would find that stressful with so many people. You could tell everyone you’re just not up to it (as your dad isn’t....that applies to you too) xx my sister hosted our first Christmas after mum died and if she would have said she wasn’t up to it and told me it was causing her distress, I’d have been like - gosh yes, let’s do it next year when we’re all feeling a bit stronger! You could then have a quiet one at home with your family. Sorry....I understand I may be coming across as insensitive to your family...not my intention xx 

Oh darlin god love you it's early days and it's going to be hard and it's OK to feel angry I know I've been there and my family had been destroyed b4 my dad died so I felt like I had no one. My fiance was actually the one person who helped me through it you must tell your husband how you feel you can't loss him too I promise you you will feel better talking about how you feel to him I cried every day for two years and prayed to God to stop the pain. The pain will never go away but you learn to live with eventually God bless you x

Don't worry I have been through the same thing for my birthday. My dad passed away in march. The only peices of advice I can give you is to maybe go to mass on Christmas Eve and say a prayer, you could also get some counseling, also try talking to someone you trust, try meditation it worked well for me.

I can relate to your pushing your husband away - my poor husband can't seem to do anything right. I love him with all my heart, but am struggling to keep strong and feel I'm shutting myself off as a coping mechanism.

Might try to follow your example and show him this too.

He knows I'm angry and like all problems he wants to fix it but he can't. There are days I dont say very much but every time I push him away it just replies I'm not going anywhere. Talking to him has helped and showing him my post I thought he would be upset as I was not talking to him but he wasn't. He was happy that I'm sharing my feelings, he reminds that he is there