Hi isabella. . I know exactly what you mean. . Since I was 16 and my brother died I spent years looking at books researching casually the *meaning of life* and believing in god angels. . I'm open to all suggestions. . But losing mum has completely tested my faith and beliefs. . Last year I went to some seminars with Hindus who offer teachings on the third eye and how to  understand the pineal gland and our own power. By the end of a 10 hour day I was fascinated and witnessed unbelievable things. I keep asking myself now if I was meant to go to understand by seeing all of that,  that there is and we are something greater. But I'm so spun out by not only losing mum but the suddenness of it all I rarely make sense of anything else ..  I realised at Christmas just how devastating it would be for my family if I wasn't here because they need me and the one thing we all know is that cancer doesn't stop at any law of average.  So like you I have to get it together and put my own health first. . We all have to give ourselves a fighting chance to kick the $*** out of the wrong cells should they come knocking at our door. . As mum would say *it is what it is* and coping with it however any of us chose to do is getting on with it. Because what choice do we have.  There are so many young people here losing their mum at such a young and vulnerable age it sort of shakes me into stiff upper lip ..  I hope your doing okay today. . Blessings sent x

Hi again thank you for your reply I also lost my brother 20 years ago he died on valentines day and it nearly destroyed our family we are a big family 5 sisters and 5 brothers and mum and dad very religious people, mum never lost her faith even though she was completely heart broken, I rem the day they carried my brother out of his house to be taken to the Chapel my mum fell to the floor and cried out loud 'not my son god please not my son' iv never forgotten that moment because she was asking God and not denying him like most people do which I understand when a close one dies we feel every emotion possible, iv struggled terribly and became an angry bitter person my thoughts were not very nice sometimes,, life's never felt the same and never will but I have to believe there is something after this life or what's the point, what really pulled me together was that my sisters son took his own life 2 months ago and something inside me changed, I realised then at that moment I got the phone call that there's always someone worse off than us and they need our help since then iv changed the way I think and feel, I'm just so so sad that it took losing my nephew to wake up again and see that life is worth living xxxx God bless you darlin and I'm thinking and praying for you xx

Hi there ..

I saw your latest posts and just had to reply again ...

When my mum went, I looked for signs ... never got an outright one ... it seems to me, they come when we don't look for them... I've had far too many over the near 30 years , but the two that stick out more are ... when my son had a bad crash on his bike, the Drs were amazed he'd survived ... now she loved him more then anything or anyone ... and I rushed to the hospital and when they took his helmet off, there on his forhead was a perfect kiss mark, in the same colour my mum wore ... no dent in helmet,  nothing could have made that Mark ... that's where she always kissed him when he was young ...

The other one was the day I got diagnosed with breast cancer, I found white feathers everywhere at home .. but so many where in my bra ... on the day I got the news, it was contained and no lymph node effected,  they just stopped ... this was only two of so many ..but you have to believe ... so many just put things down to coincidence ...

And one last thing .. I'm not the religious type .. I just believe there is a loving god up there somewhere .. and if he is true .. my heart brakes for him .. because if there is a god , there must be a devil too ... and yet God gets the blame ... for good to happen, even he must fight the evil ... we never blame that one down there .. he must be chuckling to himself, he can bring so much heartache and not get blamed ..

That is just my thoughts .. l know cancer happens to lovely people .. and tests us to the core .. and please know, I'm not a do good religious lass ... just someone that sees those signs and in my heart hope the ones we loose are safe somewhere up there now .. l so hope l don't upset any one as this is a fragile subject .. and everyone should follow their own heart .. and none of us know for sure ..

But my thoughts are with you at this time .. what a wonderfull thread this is ...

Big hug to you all ... Chrissie

Hi kkkerry 2,

How are you?  Are you like me, good days and some just where I catch my breath when I realise mum's gone. Our 8 yr old great-niece told me she'd made a card for mum's grave, takes all of your strength to hold the tears in. Silly, I bought a piece of pottery, quite vibrant and feels strange as I'll buy things now that I won't be able to show my mum, had some new specs and I want to ask mum if they suit me, she would tell it like it was! It's so difficult still, had my first counselling seesion last week, 50 minutes, I cried for most of it, not sure I felt really comfortable with the counselllor but my husband said go again, give it a chance.

Just thinking of you and hope that you and your famiy are doing ok....

x

Hi Paulus, thank you for your kind reply, you're not butting in at all. I hope everything is ok wth you, as well as it can be.

You're right, I am going to stick with the counselling, 2nd session tomorrow.....it is a day at a time. Funny, we're going to visit the country where my mum was born, a holiday and a country we visit often, normally you'd look forward to it and I am but it will be with some tears as my parents used to come with us on occasion, until mum became too frail to travel.

It's many 'firsts' that you go through, those are hard.

Kind regards,

Linda

Hi yes its a hard road and theres no short cuts glad your keeping it up well done i felt same at begining this is doing no good unfortunatly we dont think logicaly and its exhausting .ime ok thanks everyday a bit of a struggle but theres a bit of light its because ime ime not so exhausted and started to think more logicaly .i certainly hope you trips a nice one .best wishs to you and your husband sounds likes he giving you good support and advice

You help so many people here, your kindness to others.-...whatever your faith, surely a gift from God.

Thank you .p

Hi Linda63 

Thank you for checking in. . And there is so much of our journey we're paralleling in. . Every single day there is that reality check of what we can no longer share with our mums. My mum was a huge part of my 2 children upbringing and a massive support system.. So last week my little grandson came back from his holiday and we were overjoyed to see each other. Yet I hurt inside my chest everytine he does something new or says something mum would adore. And when I am conflicted about something she's not there to advise me. To get her valued opinion is all just so distressing to me and as life is turning and people are getting on with their lives I'm in a place of a bit of resentment I think. I don't know what it is I just feel so without as much as I recognise my blessings. . I thought I was doing okay for a few days Linda but woke up this morning floored with it again. . I know what you mean about councilling I didn't feel like I connected with her BUT I think the disconnect might be that here we are talking about our mums and their death. And that in itself for me was where it was to early. I felt like I was talking to somebody on a train and not in my boat. The comfort here for me is that we are all fundamentally here becoming connected in the same boat. . It's comforting I've found it's life saving in moments of grief attacks. . But that said councilling does work. . I know that also to be true and it does take a few meetings to settle in on any subject. . I know our mums can see what we do. . And all of what we may sense. . It's just the reality and please check back in with me to let me know how you are.  And how councilling goes. . Thinking of you lady.  xx