Hi, if you’re reading this, then know I’m only sharing my story for others who are going through the same pain to relate and possibly advise on fixing my broken heart.
At the age of 14 was when I first felt true love, I mean asking a girl out and she says “YES”, there’s no better feeling right! I actually had a crush on Hafsa at the age of 10 but never found the courage to ask her out or tell her how I felt. We were always friends but then a colleague put it like this: “you don’t make the move, sooner or later someone else will”, so on the 6th October 2018 I found the courage to call her and tell her how I felt about her for all those years. Luckily she had feelings for me to! The following weekend, we began dating.
But something was different. All my other mates who were in a relationship would describe their feelings but mine was nothing like that, it was way better! We would never come across the phrase “I don’t know what to get her/him” because we knew each other so well. As time went past I grew fonder of her and as did she of me. We knew we were in love, and we loved it! On my 15th birthday, we were out on a date, and then it happened, where we both stopped talking and began to look each other in the eyes. I said “Hafsa, you make me whole, and I love every part of you”. That was the night of our first kiss. I felt like the luckiest teenager in the whole wide world.
We would talk about our wedding plans and how we would tell our parents that we were in love. Endless hours on a Saturday morning over a Starbucks, same seats, same time, every week, it was like our own custom to just talk about our week, catch up and Hafsa would go on about all the places she would love for us to visit together. We would save up so much money and then blow it all in one night because we were young and in love, there’s no better combo. We were like unbreakable vibranium and nothing could get between our relationship – Or at least that’s what I thought.
July 11th 2018 we were on a tourist boat ride in Manchester but something wasn’t right. First of all it was a Saturday morning, Starbucks was the drill but change was fine. But a boat? Hafsa wasn’t fond of boats or even water; she would get sea-sick. As beautiful as the view and scenery was, I knew something wasn’t right. In fact about 2 months before the 11th something changed in Hafsa. Her act, her mindset, even her perfume, she didn’t wear none, like ever. No more jewellery like necklace or rings but worse of all was when her hair began to get shorter, and shorter and shorter and she would try to hide it with her scarf. I began to question but the result would be something like “it’s a new style” or “forget about it”. Sometimes it would be such where she would actually get irritated or angry but I loved her so I would drop the topic because I would hate seeing her upset and knowing I caused it.
Back to the 11th, there were like 70-80 people on the boat but only a few on the top deck so she said “let’s go upstairs, top deck has a beautiful view”. I agreed, but I felt like this was the moment where she was going to explain everything that was going on because my mind was going to blow up with all the theories but I wasn’t too sure about that. There we were, on a boat just when the sun decided to show, a slightly warm breeze flickering with her scarf, she looked as beautiful as ever. We hadn’t spoken a word; I figured she wanted to enjoy the moment.
Suddenly I caught glimpse of a tear trickling down her eyes, her sleeve wet from cleaning them off, I didn’t realise she was crying because I was too busy looking out. “Sweetheart, are you okay?” “Why are you crying” I asked with a paranoid voice. Something inside told me this was the moment... I was right. She told me “babe you know I love you and I will till then end of time but there’s something I’ve been hiding from you.” She started crying more now so I slightly comforted her and took her in my arms but not a full hug because I wanted to hear the rest. “I was only doing it because I love you but know I realise, due to my state, its better I told you. I have a stage 4 metastatic brain tumour at the back of my head,” Now she was really crying loud and people were looking but I didn’t care, I was bereft of speech. Her head laying on my shoulder mine onto hers I wasn’t sure what or HOW to feel at that time, but little did I know that the worst was yet to come...
“Ibby, they said I’ve only 1 month to live” And there it was, a 15 year old just told that in one month he was going to lose the only thing that offered his life meaning, the one pillar in his life that would stay standing NO MATTER what it was that came it’s way, the one thing he would trade the world for, I was heart-broken. My eyes were leaking buckets, our crying was like and orchestra, my sight began to blur, I felt ever so slightly light-headed and... Blackness. It must’ve been 5 minutes I was out but they splashed a little water on me and I was awake again. For a second it all felt like a dream, I felt a slight bit of relief that the nightmare had ended but when I got up from the boats medical room, just peaking through the window was Hafsa, the expression on her face told it all. There was no dream. There was no fantasy or hallucination. There was no relief. It was as if that slight bit of relief was smothered and gobbled up into pieces by agony.
We spent our last moments together with as much as cherished memories as possible, but mostly tears and promises. Before I knew it, it was August 12th 2018, her flight to Turkey for a huge operation. My heart was aching so much I was actually taking pain killers, but the pain was all inside – burning me. If the operation succeeded, she would be guaranteed almost 3 years but if not... then I don’t need to mention.
An hour before they set off, we were at our second home, drinking one last Flat White together, speaking of every single memory. It was time for her to leave but just before our lips touched for what could’ve been the last time, she gave me her most expensive ring and said with tears in her eyes “Keep it safe for me, I’ll see you in a week”. She was trying to implicate that it was going to work BUT there was still 24% chance of failure. I couldn’t take that. So I grabbed her hand and cherished one last kiss with the love of my life and the jewel of my heart as she whispered, “Just one regret, why couldn’t you ask me out sooner”.
I couldn’t contact her at all for the full week – I wasn’t eating or sleeping. I was far too distressed. It had been one week and three days and her house lights were still off. It was time for prayer so I went to the mosque alone and prayed in congregation. After completing my prayers, I began to leave as I saw her brother stood there at the gates, arms crossed but one hand covering his mouth. He knew about me and Hafsa. Our eyes met and I left my shoes and began to run to him as fast as I could and said, repeatedly – “tell me”. He began to cry and shook his head... I froze in utter shock; I knew my life had changed forever. I was too over loaded to think. I broke.
After her demise, things changed quite a bit for me. I mean the worst part was that i had to keep it all a secret, from everyone. That's probably why I don't wanna open up about this, until this website. But i turned a little dark, if you know what I mean. A little more self-to-self, but I still try to act like myself around others otherwise they'd know, I don't want that. I've taken a few bad habbits, but until the daggers in my heart eases a little grip, i don't have a choice.
She was too young, with her whole life ahead of her, a life of joy and love and most importantly - hope, because that's what she gave me, a sense of belonging. But now that she's gone... The only thing keeping me from losing it are my close friends and this site.
For those of you who have reached this far in my story, I want you to freeze and just think did we deserve this? She was healthy girl and always kept herself that way, so why did it have to be her?!
Why did it have to be me? “They’ll always be beside us” - stupid clichés. How can she be beside me if her body is under 6ft of mud? Man I don’t know if I’m ever gonna move on from this; there’s a dagger in my heart and to endure something like that at such a young age, I'm lost of words and feelings. I mean there are tears all over my keyboard right now as I’m typing this. But if any of you out there have anything, I mean anything that can help my shattered heart then please tell me. Thank You for taking the time out of your schedule to read my story. Forgive me for any wrong choice of words that may have been used.
Share my story to others if you like.
Love to all,
Ibby.K
