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JUST MISSING MY HUSBAND SO MUCH

lockharta4
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My darling Husband passed away on 28th of July, and I still can't bear the pain of this loss, I have cried each and every day at some point since he died, my heart is broken as Ian was my whole life. 

We knew one another for over 35 years and were married for 25 years, during which time we were never apart, barring his time in hospital and I was fortunate that I was able to bring him home for the last few days of his life as he wanted. 

He died whilst we sat together, holding hands, listening to his 60's music and the last thing he said to me was "I love you Ali", closed his eyes and he was gone.  Something so special yet brings me such heart ache when I relive this moment. I know things could have been so different, not such a 'nice' memory and people do say how lovely to go in such a way, but they don't seem to understand it was still the end of our time together and the way it happened does not make it any 'nicer'  or easier to cope with

As I have read on other posts, being told to keep yourself busy, doesn't really help

I am trying so hard to cope and have wonderful friends who try their best to help me. I feel I sometimes put on a brave face in front of them to put their minds at rest in the hope they feel that I am coping well.

It can be the simplest of things that can set me off, a song on the radio, going out for a walk and bumping into someone who asks where Ian is and how he's keeping, seeing a couple walking hand in hand like Ian and I always did, even an advert on the tv which he used to comment on.

There are so many firsts to come which I am dreading.  I have had my birthday without him and despite my friends making the most of it to try and make it a good day, I still came home, shut the door behind me and was alone.

Today I received several Christmas Cards sent to us both, which has really got to me and I am dreading the New Year and cannot bear the thought of this year ending and life moving on to a new year.

I know there will be people worse off than myself and I should be grateful for the wonderful memories I have, but I just don't seem to be getting out of the grief as I thought I would.

I am trying to express me feelings in words it for the first time, trying to speak and express how I feel to people who know what it is like as they are going through the same pain, basically it's like grasping at straws in the hope that it gives some comfort to the people I am talking to and in turn will give me some comfort too.

 

Parents
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    Hi, the way you have expressed how you are feeling speaks for so many of us.  It’s 2 years since I lost my beautiful husband, aged 56 and I miss him so terribly.  The hard thing for me now is that family and friends seem to think that I’ve ‘got over it’  and that I will ‘move on’ - but I never will, I’ve just learnt to live with it, and as you’ve said, one little thing, like a song on the radio when you don’t expect it will set me off on a sad day.  Today it was a Christmas song that we used to love singing out loud and I was in floods of tears within seconds of it starting to play.  

    Whenever I come on here, I’m touched and overwhelmed by other people’s pain and suffering, and also by their kindness and sharing so I’d like to share with you, and anyone else who’s missing somebody the following words which were written to me by friends after my husband passed away and which bought me great comfort:-

    Winter Always Turns to Spring (1275 Nichiven Daishonin)

    “He May be watching his wife and children in the mirrors of the sun and moon every moment of the day and night.  Since you are only human you cannot see or hear him, but neither can the deaf hear thunder, nor the blind see the sun, but do not doubt that he is close at hand protecting you.  No matter how long the cold bleak days of winter may continue, winter always turns to spring, this is the law of the universe and the law of life.  As long as we hold onto hope, spring is sure to come.”

    “The measure of the man is that whoever he came into contact with he left a little trace of sunshine in their lives”

    I read this whenever I’m having a sad day - I hope it brings a little comfort to you too xx

     

  • Offline in reply to Tiggywinkle

    That was lovely and so true i think .p

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