Cancer Research UK main site
  • Replies 90 replies
  • Views 28109 views
  • Users 0 members are here

JUST MISSING MY HUSBAND SO MUCH

lockharta4
Offline

My darling Husband passed away on 28th of July, and I still can't bear the pain of this loss, I have cried each and every day at some point since he died, my heart is broken as Ian was my whole life. 

We knew one another for over 35 years and were married for 25 years, during which time we were never apart, barring his time in hospital and I was fortunate that I was able to bring him home for the last few days of his life as he wanted. 

He died whilst we sat together, holding hands, listening to his 60's music and the last thing he said to me was "I love you Ali", closed his eyes and he was gone.  Something so special yet brings me such heart ache when I relive this moment. I know things could have been so different, not such a 'nice' memory and people do say how lovely to go in such a way, but they don't seem to understand it was still the end of our time together and the way it happened does not make it any 'nicer'  or easier to cope with

As I have read on other posts, being told to keep yourself busy, doesn't really help

I am trying so hard to cope and have wonderful friends who try their best to help me. I feel I sometimes put on a brave face in front of them to put their minds at rest in the hope they feel that I am coping well.

It can be the simplest of things that can set me off, a song on the radio, going out for a walk and bumping into someone who asks where Ian is and how he's keeping, seeing a couple walking hand in hand like Ian and I always did, even an advert on the tv which he used to comment on.

There are so many firsts to come which I am dreading.  I have had my birthday without him and despite my friends making the most of it to try and make it a good day, I still came home, shut the door behind me and was alone.

Today I received several Christmas Cards sent to us both, which has really got to me and I am dreading the New Year and cannot bear the thought of this year ending and life moving on to a new year.

I know there will be people worse off than myself and I should be grateful for the wonderful memories I have, but I just don't seem to be getting out of the grief as I thought I would.

I am trying to express me feelings in words it for the first time, trying to speak and express how I feel to people who know what it is like as they are going through the same pain, basically it's like grasping at straws in the hope that it gives some comfort to the people I am talking to and in turn will give me some comfort too.

 

Parents
  • Offline

    Hi lockharta4,

    I am sorry for your loss. It is very difficult isn't it! I visited the forum again today because I have had such an awful day. I lost the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend of 43 years, 9 weeks ago yesterday. I can relate to everything you are saying. I too get set off by things that we shared, liked, didn't like, adverts, songs, and sometimes I break my heart and I don't know exactly what has set me off. I too am dreading the new year because it will be the first one my darling will never know. I didn't manage to get my husband home but I was at his side in the hospital for 4 days straight until he started his next journey without me. I too cry every single day, I feel lost and alone. Coming home to an empty house is agony, all the memories are agony, but I don't think I could move because I still feel close to him in the home we shared for all those years. 

    Grief is different for all of us, there is no time limit. I mistakenly thought I would be a little prepared because I watched my John go downhill. I was so wrong. Even though I knew it was coming, I was not prepared at all. Some people do seem to cope better, it's just the way we are made. You loved and shared you life with your husband for 35 years, that's a long time, and it is reasonable to think it will take you a while to be feeling better.  There is no rhyme or reason to grief. It is hard, it is painful, it seems to me, to be never ending. Allow yourself to feel low, to cry.  You don't mention if you have had any counselling. Well something that is helping me is called a bereavement cafe. You meet people who are going through the same journey as you, you don't have to pretend you are coping, you don't have to be strong. You can cry and nobody will ask you the most rediculous question in the world. What is the matter!!! They don't have to ask because they know. These cafes are run by most hospices, are very informal, and might be helpful. 

    Otherwise, my daily saying is 'One day at a time'. The future is too frightening to contemplate. I have been told that eventually the memories will be happy and comforting. I want to believe that but at the moment, they are just painful.

    I'm not sure my post is very helpful, but I just wanted you to know that your thoughts, an feelings are normal. 

    Take care

    love Heather. X

  • Offline in reply to Johnslady
    Dearest Heather I have to thank you so much for taking the time to write to me as I know you were having a 'bad day' however would like to say to you to take comfort in the thought that your words meant a lot to me. It was good for me to read that what I am feeling about certain things is 'normal' I completely understand too what you are saying about moving home. I had one friend who thought it would be a good idea for me to contemplate moving house as it was where Ian had passed away, however I could never think of doing so as, like you, I feel close to him when I am at home despite being alone. We shared such happy memories here and feel moving would be like I was leaving him behind, hope that doesn't sound silly I have never opened up as much, even to my closest friend, as I did last night and to receive such wonderful support from people like yourself and others who are going through the same pain has been a humbling experience. To know that I am not experiencing anything different/strange or that I am not 'mad' to still be grieving or getting upset over the silliest of things has been some sort of comfort I have come to believe it is only people going through the pain of losing their soulmate who can really understand what the emotions and feelings are truly like. I have not had counselling, to be honest I am a very private person and even writing on this forum was a big step for me, perhaps one step in the right direction as I feel talking with people like yourself has helped me to understand that I am normal As you say it is just taking it a day at a time. I just long for the day when I can think of the wonderful happy times I had with my Darling Ian, looking through his huge collection of photographs, listening to our favourite music, watching our favourite DVD, without ending up in floods of tears. I long for the laughter and joy which rang out in our home to return to my life as it was when he was alive. My close friends are wonderful, I don't know what I would do without them, so in that respect I am blessed and am very grateful that they are all trying so hard to make my life easier and 'happier' despite hurting themselves. I feel I am pretending to them that I am getting there as they are doing with me. Ian was a 'larger than life' kind character, so kind and patient, generous with his time and totally loyal towards the people he loved and his passing has left a huge void in our close circle of friends. He was the one they would turn to for advice or help, so I feel their pain too as they are struggling to come to terms with the fact that he is no longer here which also saddens me as I want to try and make it hurt less for them too. Sending you much love Alison xx
Reply
  • Offline in reply to Johnslady
    Dearest Heather I have to thank you so much for taking the time to write to me as I know you were having a 'bad day' however would like to say to you to take comfort in the thought that your words meant a lot to me. It was good for me to read that what I am feeling about certain things is 'normal' I completely understand too what you are saying about moving home. I had one friend who thought it would be a good idea for me to contemplate moving house as it was where Ian had passed away, however I could never think of doing so as, like you, I feel close to him when I am at home despite being alone. We shared such happy memories here and feel moving would be like I was leaving him behind, hope that doesn't sound silly I have never opened up as much, even to my closest friend, as I did last night and to receive such wonderful support from people like yourself and others who are going through the same pain has been a humbling experience. To know that I am not experiencing anything different/strange or that I am not 'mad' to still be grieving or getting upset over the silliest of things has been some sort of comfort I have come to believe it is only people going through the pain of losing their soulmate who can really understand what the emotions and feelings are truly like. I have not had counselling, to be honest I am a very private person and even writing on this forum was a big step for me, perhaps one step in the right direction as I feel talking with people like yourself has helped me to understand that I am normal As you say it is just taking it a day at a time. I just long for the day when I can think of the wonderful happy times I had with my Darling Ian, looking through his huge collection of photographs, listening to our favourite music, watching our favourite DVD, without ending up in floods of tears. I long for the laughter and joy which rang out in our home to return to my life as it was when he was alive. My close friends are wonderful, I don't know what I would do without them, so in that respect I am blessed and am very grateful that they are all trying so hard to make my life easier and 'happier' despite hurting themselves. I feel I am pretending to them that I am getting there as they are doing with me. Ian was a 'larger than life' kind character, so kind and patient, generous with his time and totally loyal towards the people he loved and his passing has left a huge void in our close circle of friends. He was the one they would turn to for advice or help, so I feel their pain too as they are struggling to come to terms with the fact that he is no longer here which also saddens me as I want to try and make it hurt less for them too. Sending you much love Alison xx
Children
No Data

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.