Hi Munkie,

Sorry to read about your loss. 

There is no such thing as normal under these curcumstances, we all grieve in different ways and at different times. 

It can take months, or even years, for your mind to adjust from being a practical carer through the grieving process and back towards normality. 

My Mum died of cancer under similar circumstances after a fight which lasted many years. I was emotionally numb for months afterwards. It was only when my dog died several months later that I really started to grieve for my Mum.

Give yourself time and don’t feel under pressure to rush things. Many people set their own expectations by influences like portrayals of grief in films and on TV which are unrealistic and dramatic. Life isn’t like that, grief is a long term process, not flash in the pan and soon forgotten. I think it was the Queen who said that grief is the price we pay for love. If you hadn’t loved your Uncle like a Dad, you’d not be going through all this.

You will get through this part of your life. It is horrible but it is part of what it is to be human.

Best wishes

Dave

Hello Munkie and welcome to the forum.  Paulus is right when he says that whatever you are feeling grief-wise is normal - there are no set ways to grieve. I can easily understand how you are now feeling lost.  Your life sounds as thought it has been taken up with caring for your uncle and by keeping busy in this way you probably didn't have the time or energy to think about yourself; so it is no wonder you are left in the situation you describe.  It sounds as though there is not a large wider family with whom you can talk (or who shared the work of caring for your uncle when he was so ill).    I have cared for a few cancer sufferers among family, friends and neighbours and am one of those people who visit the grave - where there is a grave - and sit and talk to the person who has died just to make sure I have covered everything I might have missed before they died!  I know, a bit odd but that is me and that is okay too.  If you are trying to be strong then people may think you are not suffering - is there noone with whom you can talk? Do -as Paulus says - consider bereavement counselling if you think it will help.  And do feel free to keep in touch here.  Annie

Thank u very much x isnt it amazing how u can fool urself into thinking ur prepared 4 something but when it actually happens ur left stunned beyond belief :( i kno its early days still (only 11 days since passing ) 

Thank u & im so sorry 4 ur loss aswel x 

Hi annie 

I totally understand ur reasoning with going 2 d grave 4 a chat . If only i could get myself that far :( i have a feelibg seeing d grave again will just destroy me altho i kno d only reason 4 him goin ahead with a burial was so i coukd visit so im feeling guilty over that aswel . He had a large non close family of brothers nd sisters nd him nd my mam wer super close . Her heart is broke  aswel & she is trying to stay strong fir my younger sister nd i am d one being strong 4 all them . He was given 6 weeks to live nd lasted nearly 9 months so d last 9 months have been so full on with sickness & on 4 occassions had been old he wouldnt make it tru d night. I was with him tru all that & i went to bed every night d last 9 months so afraid that he would die alone that iv hardly slept :( in the end i was so glad i was with him when he passed & was able to comfort him but at the same time i dnt think anything prepared me for d actual experience of watching him die & its all i can see wen i close my eyes .. i think a nights sleep if i could manage it would do me d world of good either that or i need some1 2 give me a slap nd get d crying started lol 

Hi yes you can never prepair for it .at the moment you will still be stuned munki but you were a credit to your uncle he must have been so proud of you i would  ime a dad .early days yet but hang onto the fact that these rotton feelings you have now will go and dont let that guilt come in it hits us all no matter how good we were we always seem to find somthing silly to blame ourselves for and you should feel no guilt for anything. This rotton disese is evil  personified blame that  so try a bit of counciling its helped me but you have to keep at it but you get to talk .About your pain and they dont try to change the subject you keep coming on here and chating whenever you like you are very welcome best wishs to you and your family .paul

I would hate someone to give you a slap!  But I think if you - with your mum perhaps - could visit the grave it might be good for you.  Distressing of course but there is nothing wrong with people crying at a graveside - in fact I would say it is healthy.  It might bring some sort of relief to you.  Death is never easy but we are all going to die one day and we would hate for it to destroy our loved one's lives in the longer term.  Grief is something you have to go through.  When one of my neighbours died - a good friend for whom I had cared during his illness - I went to the grave a few times (the cemetery is close by) and I would sometimes meet his relations who had come from Jamaica for the funeral doing the same thing.  No shame on anyone's part to be found crying and talking at the graveside.  They wanted to make sure they had said their goodbyes as well as possible before returning home.   It all seemed so normal and natural.    But of course you should do what feels right for yourself.  If it would be easier for you to contact Cruse Bereavement Counselling (Freefone 0808 808 1677) then give them a ring. You will get through this eventually.  One day at a time as we always say here.  Annie