Hi Heva1000, 

I am so sorry about the loss of your lovely husband. Your post drew me because I had a similar journey, and I am quite angry about it.  It all started 3 years ago, when my husband started having hospital admissions for low sodium. He never had a chest X-ray.  Because he liked a drink, all the doctors put it down to that, and didn't really investigate it. We soldiered on, did things, and every now and the he was admitted for this low sodium. Last September we went for our last holiday to Paignton, Devon,  and had a great time, but he was quite tired all the time. He said he had difficulty breathing, so when we came back  he saw the respiratory nurse as he was known to have COPD, and she said he was fine. No change of meds and strangely, looking back now,  no chest X-ray. I didn't question it then because I trusted them. Fast forward to March 2018, we went to the doctors because of the breathing. (He had had several admissions by then with chest infections, but still no chest X-rays). The doctor, gave him antibiotics, but also sent him for a chest X-ray, to check for infection. We were devastated to be told he had a large mass in his right lung. The same as you, he was told it was treatable and confined to one lung with no spread. To cut a long story short, after, scans and tests, he was sent to Marsden for chemo, but was not well enough to tolerate it, so was referred to our hospice for palliative care. I looked after him at home for six months, during that time he had numerous hospital admissions with bleeding and chest infections, falls and confusion. In the second to last admission, he was referred for palliative radiotherapy on dicharge to slow things down. We had the appt and they accepted him for radiotherapy, but alas once again he ended up in hospital and was not well enough. They then decided to stent him, but, the same story, he wouldn't survive the surgery. He was then started on end of life care. He died on the morning 6th October, after a week in hospital with me by his side night and day. 

The anger I was telling you about, remember the low sodium problems he had early on..its one of the main symptoms of lung cancer, if only one person had put two and two together and given him a chest X-ray, they would have found it earlier and he would have been well enough for treatment and we would have had longer together. I know it wouldn't have been cured but a bit longer to plan, and do things

I am really angry and let down, he was also promised everything and because of one problem after another, got nothing. It all seemed to come too late. You are right, you take every lifeline thrown to you.  

But  at the end of the day, however angry I am, I can't change how things turned out. I now know the quietness and lifelessness of the home, and I am definitely wondering why I am bothering.

I send you all my love and say to you 'take one day at a time'. There are some very supportive  people on this forum, all feeling exactly as we do. They will help if you let them. We are all together in this horrible journey and not one of us wants to here. But we have no choice. 

Much love, take care. XxxxxxxxxxX 

Thank you Johnslady.your words are a comfort to me its just should not have been his time a 54 year old strapping man working 18 hr aday then wham......

so sorry for your loss it is not easy for any of us just like you i wish our wounderful n.h.s. had not failed our loved ones....x sending hugs x

Hi i had similer procrastination misdiagnosis you name it seems to be a wait and see cultcher in nhs nhs then when it goes wrong you never see thoese drs again .so i understand your anger they seem to get away with it trouble we see in tv all the success storys and i know they need funds for charitys.but they need to show the not successful ones as everyone thinks cancers treatable myself i still beleive we are still in the dark ages .but its an evil disease gives no warning can take you in days or spend years wondering if it will come back .but you realy have my heartfelt sympathys .where i live i got bereavement counciling strait away as it realy helped me i contacted the local hospice so try there if you look on internet theres bereavement groups i found it good because you dont feel so alone you support them and they give you support both help i dont know were you live theres the the cruze bereavment line they will chat .and theres the samaritans 24/7 its that loneliness and despair that gets you .dont you think and by no means a replacment they just get you through the realy bad times .paul ps just noticed your sigh saying i wish heaven had visiting hours i love that but true 

Thank you Paulus.

night time seems the worst most lonely and scary never lived on my own before but i know my wounderful husband who i know now that i truely never apprieciated enough would want me to give my self a boot up my bottom and get going at 52 i have hopefully still a while left on earth before catching up with him so have to stay strong get back to work after my berevement break and soilder on....

love to all but less than 1 month to take someone from diagnosis to death is too quick...

regards

Heva1000 x

Hi to all,

I was having a bad day today like most days, and came on here for a little support and found your post.

How similar your story is to mine! I too lost my husband on July 29th to the awful pancreatic and liver cancer at the age of 51. He was feeling unwell and was given acid reflux tablets by the doctor thinking he was suffering from gastro reflux. 1 week later he was suffering with really bad pain in his right side and back to the point where he couldn’t lay down so was trying to sleep upright on the sofa. He was then referred for blood tests which showed high liver enzymes and cancer markers. Urgent ultrasound given, and on Friday 13th July the dreaded news my husband had pancreatic cancer that had already spread to his liver with several tumours. My husband was already jaundiced and we were told this was stage 4, inoperable and no chemo options due to his jaundice. This was all in 2 weeks from feeling unwell. 1 week later he was on morphine admitted to hospital due to severe sickness and pain and passed away 1 week later with myself and our son by his side. 

We had no time to come to terms with his awful diagnosis, 2 weeks of just trying to hold onto each other. 

My husband was extremely scared, the palliative care team were supposed to help us prepare for what was ahead of us but he passed away so quickly. He never smoked, drank and was an extremely fit man. It has been nearly 4 months now, I am struggling with grief and the loss of such a wonderful man, the love of my life. We had so many plans as we had both just turned 50 and had been together 31 years. 

All I can say is, take every offer of help from friends and family for company and chats, I would not be here today if it wasn’t for my friends and family. They will never know how you really feel but talking does help. I still cry every time I talk about him and mention his name but that is due to the deep love I have for him and always will. 

I hope you find comfort from here as it does help, you are not alone with what you have gone through.

Take care.xxx

Hi heva yes night times are bad but dosnt mater what time if your feeling that sickly feeling try the samartans i think just to have a human being listen realy helps its all about holding on till you get a bit stronger  know it probably feels like your life and futures over i felt blow me thats it now but even though i am far from over it the nights and mornings are nothing like they were dosent mean we love our partners less probably more in a loving way .at 52 you still young so dont give up i know our partners would want us to keep going then we are not victims of this rotten evil disease as well yes a month is so short doesnt even give you time to take it in liz was same it left me stunned as ime sure your feeling .best wishs paul

Hi debbi how tradgic and unfair for you like heva i feel cheeted but your dead right about surrounding yourself with loving people it rubs off a bit so my best wishs to you to .paul

 Hello, I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful husband. I’m so sorry for the stories that followed your post from other wives who lost beloved husbands under such terrible circumstances.  My heart goes out to you all. 

 I am going to be a widow, unless I am very lucky in the next four weeks.  We have been very lucky to have had excellent Care for Steve once we took the situation into our own hands , but I know the NHS is such a postcode lottery and we just happen to live in the right area .

In July 2017 Steve started having problems with swallowing, lots of hiccups and quite a bit of phlegm (sorry to be gross).  He went to the doctors and was told he had indigestion, given tablets and sent home for a month. Three days later I sent him back because he was rapidly losing weight. He saw a different doctor and was given a different  set of equally unnecessary medication. The weight kept falling off him because by this stage – maybe three weeks after the initial symptoms had started – he just couldn’t eat anything.  I made an appointment to see a private GP who immediately referred him to a gastric specialist who performed an endoscopy and a CT scan (both private) we then had the devastating news it was cancer. We were referred to the surgeon and Steve had several more tests, another operation and more scans (all Private).  Once we had a diagnosis and we knew what stage the cancer was at we went back onto the NHS because Steve qualified for several trials that he wouldn’t have qualified for if he had stayed private. Plus we would have seen the same consultant anyway.  All in all we spent nearly £7000  to get a correct diagnosis.   (We are not rich, that money was our 30th wedding anniversary holiday fund) But unfortunately, whilst all of this ensured Steve got treatment fast, it hasn’t changed the outcome and he is now dying .... I think we were doomed from the start.

 Last December Steve had an operation to remove part of his oesophagus and stomach, he underwent 6 horrible rounds of chemo and suffered 2 hernias just to add to the fun. 

In September of this year we were told the cancer was back and Steve was terminal. The original 12 months  estimate of life expectancy was revised, significantly, when he became too weak for chemo.  We have spent the last couple of months getting all Steve’s affairs in order, we have seen family and friends, planned a life celebration instead of a funeral and are as “at peace“ with this as we possibly can be but I dread the day he leaves me because I know, as everyone on here knows, you can never actually prepare yourself for the loss of the love of your life and I am absolutely terrified, but I am in touch with several members of this forum who are helping me cope and I know will be there through the dark times ahead. 

 I am 55, he is 58. We’ve been together 33 years and married for 30. I have never even heard him shout, he is such a kind, gentle, brave man. There is no justice is there? 

 Sorry I can’t be any more uplifting but I send you all much love and hope someday soon you can see glimmers of sunshine through the rain. 

Xx

so so sorry to hear of ur loss i lost my mother and stepfather this year my mother in feb and my stepfater just 2 weeks ago and i do agree never take anyone of ur loved ones for granted they left 2 daughters and 3 sons all with big familys i have 6 my sister has 7 oldest bro 8 next bro 4 and our youngest bro 5 so left alot ov grandchildren devostataed so i am really sorry for your loss xx

Debbie 51

Its uncanny how similar are stories are it's a shame they ended so quickly i just take comfort from the fact he did not suffer long but at the same time he left me in my own to early 

you look after yourself......

thanks for the response