Gosh ime so so sorry it must be a nightmare .but there are things that can be done for anxiaty i sufferd it when i lost my partner have a word with your gp he may give you something temp to calme your nerves as even the strongest can become overwhelmed bereavment counciling helps and the bereavement groups if you hold it all in then then it will stay in talk to friends get it out then its out .you will find that when you talk to people they try and change the subject or ignore they think its good for you ive had that still have it. With counciling they dont do that you can rant cry anything say nothing for an hour they dont try to change the subject you get an hour for your grief a bereavement group you get to talk to people who are going through the same thing so theres comfort in the support you get and give these are just suggestions of course . So my sympathy s to you paul 

Hi Veramary

You are literally surviving any woman' and mother's worse nightmare. My only consolation with my loss of Mum, is that it could be worse. And here you are in the abyss of the greatest loss there can ever be. And you are still here. Grief is the most isolating experience and if and when you sleep you wake up and have to do the sheer horror of your reality at it's very beginning. For me here is where I come to, to feel not so isolated and read similar stories. And I don't see as many parent's posting's. There is so much help out there, group's of other's suffering the same loss. Please try and just hunt the groups out. You will feel instantly not so alone on this journey. It's sheer trauma watching the life slip from your most cherished loved one, and it's the law of the jungle that we outlive our children. And you endured the most unthinkable experience, so be gentle with yourself and reach out to those you don't want to burden, because maybe they are waiting UNTIL YOU want to talk about it.  My brother was killed in an accident at 15 years, and I always always asked my Mum how she coped with it, survived that loss, and she said if she had a choice, to, never have had the devastating loss and not know depth of anguish by not habing him for 15 years, she'll take the pain and grief. She had him, he was her child and the love they knew, was worth the suffering then. Eventually Mum learned to live with it, and as much as we don't want let go of the pain in fear of letting go of them, (its where Im at right now in my journey) time moves us forward. But for now it's getting through the small hour's when the world is asleep and functioning when the world is awake. My son said to me only a few day's ago, when I said I don't want to imagine tomorrow and past that, without my Mum, she was my everything alongside my kids, . My son said this. .. To imagine my first memories of my Mum, which I did, he then asked how quickly have the years gone since the first memory to this, and it's alarming how fast. He then pointed out that I had more years with my Mum, than I had left on this earth without her. That sort of slapped me awake temporarily albeit. Your brother is there with him, I pray you find a comfort in that. Eventually .. And I pray you recognise the signs that he is still with you, when they come. And above all I pray you are led toward a way of getting through this. God bless you x

Dear Veramary

I dont know if what i have to say will help you in anyway.  I am so sorry that you have had to endure a mothers worst nightmare the loss of your son and also in a very short space of time the loss of your brother. My son died in jan 2017 of bowel cancer with liver mets after being diagnosed at the beginning of may 2016.  We had that precious time with him, he had planned to get married on 25 may and that went ahead and very bittersweet day.  Eventually that terrible day when he died.  Even though you know it will happen and you think you can prepare yourself, there is nothing  that can prepare you for that black hole in your heart, the pain that never goes , each day another day that you will not see your son again.  My husband and my two daughters and myself  are all devasted as is his wife but grief is different for each of us.  I have to say my husband and i have been through a very dark time, he now goes to Maggies weekly and finds that helps him.  I have tried counselling but find it difficult to share my anguish like that.  My daughters are trying to deal with it in their own way.  Eventually my husband and i agreed with the doctor  to take low dose anti depressents and i have to say that seems to help deal with life.  I am not the person i was before Jonathan died and never will be.  I think increased anxiety and feelings of hopelessness are associated with this tragedy in our lives.  I have to think i had Jonathan for 35years and ten days and try to think of all the lovely memories, it is not easy and the slightest thing can be like an arrow through your heart.  I hope that you and your husband can help each other but it is such a difficult time  for you both.  I know that my son was so worried about how his death would affect me and i hold that in my heart and try to make the most of each day.  I am sorry that i cannot come with anything that will really help you.  It is not right for your child to die before you, that is not how it should be and the learning to live your life without their physical presence is so so hard.  Sending you love from someone who knows your pain.

lesliexxx

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I'm considering all the advice and thinking I might go to my GP, I have a constant scared like feeling in my stomach, which I think may be anxiety. I have many flashbacks to the time in the hospital and the last 3 weeks in the hospice. It was heartbreaking that he was given hope by having the bone marrow transplant and he was getting better, he went through so much then to get the devastating news that he only had a week or two left, he lasted 3 weeks, the cancer was to aggressive and nothing could be done. It's all I think about, I'm trying my best to do something positive each day, I have my brothers funeral to go through on Thursday and I'm absolutely dreading it. I do have some thoughts about how they will meet again and who better than his uncle to keep him company. But now my heart of hearts all I think is they are both gone out of my life forever, I have some great memories with my brother he was only 70 but had a great life and at least it is in the right order, I wish he hadn't gone because I miss his comfort, however with my son my thoughts are that I will have no new memories with him and the life he has missed out on. I count my blessings that I had him, but I want him back and don't understand why this terrible disease happened to him. The statistics are akin to the chance of winning the lottery for a person of his age, makes no sense. Thank you again for your time and thoughts, best regards, veramary

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I miss my mum and mum in law to this very day, they've both been gone 20 years and 18 years, so I know how much heartache that brings, they would be devastated about Peter. We almost lost him as a baby when he was 7 months old, he had  pneumonia , so I guess we had him for another 32 years, he was a great guy and every body that met him liked him. He was gentle and kind, did many things for other people and volunteered for the homeless as well as working, he liked people. He was a good son and never ever forgot birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. It is just so tragic that he was not able to beat this terrible disease. I speak to him every day and I do something in his memory every day.

i hope you find your peace and have some joy in the memories of your mum. Sounds like she was a lovely lady. Take care, veramary 

Hi Veramary,

I am so sorry to hear about your son. They say the hardest thing in the world is to lose your child so my heart goes out to you. You are also dealing with your brothers death, and upcoming funeral, so it's a double blow. You must be in a horrid painful place at the moment. 

 I don't know the pain of losing a child but I am nearly 6 weeks past losing my beloved husband of 43 years We had no children, so the loneliness is overwhelming. For the first couple of weeks after his death I was in a fog, then a while where I was bad, but functioning. Now nearly 6 weeks after, I am inconsolable. I am writing this at 03:50 am because I have been crying and howling for about an hour looking at his photos, and thinking about ending it all, then I found your post and a few others saying the same thing. It's the 6 weeks thing. A lot of people seem to crumble at 6 weeks. That is maybe the time where it becomes real that the person we love is not coming back. The reality, that this is our life now. My feelings now are exactly the same as when he died, and I dont understand what is going on.  I am trying to cope one day at a time, that's all we can do. When I'm having a really bad moment, I come on here. Somehow, knowing other people are feeling as you do, makes you feel normal, and it is reassuring to a point. You may also see a post you feel that you have to reply to because you can feel their pain. I am writing this and I have stopped crying for a while at least. We must both cope together one day at a time. Don't think too far ahead because I don't believe the brain can cope with that. There are people on here who have lost children, and I'm sure they will be in touch. 

Take care, and much love to you. X

Hi thats good i hope you find it helpful it doesnt seem to help at the begining but stick at it it gets better i found i rabbited on about guilt sadness everyrhing but after a while i started listeng as they give good advice .and they listen instead of trying to change the suject thinking if you dont think about it i will not hurt but we need to talk ans talk and talk in a way we are training ourselves to get through because we do lifes diffrent after but we are not in this rotton agony forever but just takes time .p