I know this post was from last year but I hope you see my reply. I just lost my mum two weeks ago. It wasn’t cancer though but this came up when I was googling and I really feel similar to some of the things you wrote and I so feel your pain. She died from a stroke. A massive bleed in the brain that they couldn’t do anything about. I also feel like mistakes were made as she has been to A&E a few times with extremely high blood pressure and chest pains but was always sent home and told she would be fine. She was only 47 in May, she had the worst 15 months, she was stressed and had a horrible time struggling everyday. Finally things were looking up. She had everything to look forward to and was starting an amazing new chapter of her life. Now she’s gone. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I’m so angry. I don’t have a dad and I’m an only child. I’m only 27 and I don’t know how I can go the rest of my life without her. How are you feeling now? Do things get better? Everyone tells me they do but for me it’s getting harder and harder everyday. I don’t think I’ll ever see the light and the end of the tunnel and I feel like no one around me understands. I’m rambling I know but I just don’t know what to do anymore 

Hi Gemm,

I’m so so sorry to hear about your Mum it’s thw most awful pain ever and I know exactly how you’re feeling. I wish I could say it gets better but it’s been almost a year now and I still feel terrible. I cry every day, in fact I’ve just been crying before I read this. I’ve reported the mistakes made to the complaints board, maybe you should too? It gives you a sense of control and I’m doing it for my Mum as I know she would want me to. Do you have any other family you can talk to? Have you seen a grief therapist or joined a support group? I’m in one now and although I’m not sure if it’s helping the one thing it does do is make you realize you’re not the only one who feels like this. You are so young and I really feel for you. You can message me anytime you like. I don’t know what I can say to comfort you as I don’t find much comfort myself.  Xo

Hi lisa,

We knew that mum had died from a catastrophic brain hemorrhage. We were given the option of a post mortem but told the likelihood of finding out why mum had suffered a brain hemorrhage was very low so as a family we decided to decline.

2 weeks later we were told that the coroner were now insisting on one as mum had a small op 15 minutes before her brain hemorrhage under local anaesthetic and they wanted to know if there had been any medical negligence.

I'm so pleased that the coroner insisted on this as we found out that the surgery had no relevance to mums brain bleed and we got to know the full extent of mums health which has shown us mum didn't have a long life ahead of her.

We also found put that mum had a historic heart attack that she knew nothing about so it sounds like the doctors explanation for your mum is probably right. I have since learnt that its very common for women to have small heart attacks without realising and to have nothing more than indigestion like pain or upper back pain. 

I think it was probably our mums time to go and as hard as it us neither if them suffered for long. Reading this site has shown me how some peoples lived ones suffer for months in agony and I am so pleased that mum didnt.

Of course the sudden passing makes it very hard on us as we remember them fit healthy and happy and cannot understand how they can leave us in a puff of smoke.

Thinking of you.

Cheryl x

Hi, yes I agree with you, somewhere deep in my heart I feel that it was her time to go and although those hours prior were horrendous and will stay with me forever I am glad it wasn't weeks or months she was unwell for. I am glad I 'met' you Cheryl, I think I've shared with you more in these few chats than I have shared with anyone else. I hope we can keep in touch through our journey and one day we both find some peace.

Lisa x

Hi lisa,

Absolutely. My partner thinks I'm mad sounding time on these forums (I also read sue ryder coping with bereavement forum) but I have found it so comforting to find people who have lost their mum recently.

I'm just about to meet an old friend for coffee. I will get the useful if there is anything I can do, must be awful etc etc but both her parents are very much alive, happy and healthy.

Keep talking to me and sharing your journey.

Cheryl x

Hi beaut,

How are you doing 3 months further on?

I'm still struggling alot. The weeks and months are passing and I'm getting further away from my mum.

I am back at work full time and am grateful for this as my working days are much more bearable than my days off where I cry alot still.

Cheryl 

Hi Cheryl

things are still very difficult and like you I still Cry most days. I really struggled at New year, I felt as if I was leaving her in 2019 and I felt very guilty about that. I am still off work at the moment but I am in negotiations with my manager about returning and I think that will be in a couple of weeks time. I am feeling positive about returning to work as I do feel ready now. Although it is nearly six months since mum passed it still only seems like yesterday and missing her very essence has increased.  I have had many counselling sessions to try to help me come to terms with the actual events of that night and I can at least talk about it now. I still cannot however imagine the future without her yet. I am totally changed as a person, my heart has hardened and I  can be spiteful and selfish with those closest to me, that is something I am going to work on this year. I truly hope that you start to feel better soon Cheryl, take comfort that you are not alone. 
 

Lisa

Hi lisa 

I know what you mean. Its almost 7 months for me and I know mum has gone and I'm dealing with her absence one day at a time, but I'm not prepared to accept its forever.

I think I wont see her today but maybe tomorrow?

My brain is not ready to accept this really happened.

Particularly as our mums were fine right up to their deaths. Of course I wouldn't have wanted mum to have suffered for months but I may at least have prepared for such an event. When they are living normally you think you've got them for years.

Nice to hear from you x

Hello,

i just wanted to reach out as I don’t know what to do anymore.. my mum has only a few months to live. She is my best friend and I love her so much. I share everything with her and talk to her everyday. 

I live in the UK and she lives abroad. With Covid, I am unable to travel to see her. It’s already been 2 months since I last saw her. I have a one year old. My mum was diagnosed with cancer when my baby was just a few weeks. I’ve tried to spend as much time as I could with her until the lockdown. I’m tormented as I want to fly to see her as soon as the lock down is over, but I can’t risk catching Covid and infecting her/me/my son...

its like a nightmare. I can’t accept the fact that I can’t spend time with her in her last months... the thought of her passing is just unbearable. I don’t know if I will be strong enough to go through this. She is everything to me.

Hi lilyuk,

I'm sorry to see that your mum doesnt have long left to live. It's a truly awful situation. Speak to her as much as you can and say the things you want to. I didn't  know my mum was going to die. I didnt even know she was ill so I didnt get to say my goodbyes, talk about last things, etc.

When the time comes you will get through this. Its nearly 11 months for me and I am still not coping well but I am learning to very slowly live without her.

You have a child to throw your love into. My daughter keeps me going. Without her I would have given up.

Thinking of you.

Cheryl

Thank you Cheryl for your message.

when we talk over the phone or Skype, I am always staying positive and try to stay strong for her. I haven’t cried in front of her as I feel it would make things worse.

if i start talking about the past and the good memories (which I want to) and sharing all the things in my heart, it will make her feel like the end is close? the most important is for her to stay positive until the end. I don’t know how to approach this.. we usually just talk about my son. 

Then I think this is a perfect positive thing to discuss. I know that I coildnt have said goodbye to my mum and she would probably just have wanted to talk about my daughter too.

I think perhaps let your mum take the lead. Both my parents died suddenly but my best friend died of cancer and she just wanted to talk about gossip. Hearing  about what was going on at work kept things normal for her x

Then I think this is a perfect positive thing to discuss. I know that I coildnt have said goodbye to my mum and she would probably just have wanted to talk about my daughter too.

I think perhaps let your mum take the lead. Both my parents died suddenly but my best friend died of cancer and she just wanted to talk about gossip. Hearing  about what was going on at work kept things normal for her x

I am sorry to hear this, i can’t imagine what you have been through. 

I am trying to let her take the lead as you say. Maybe if I can fly I will say face to face what’s in my heart. 

Thank you for your reply xx 

No problem lily.

I hope it goes ok. In many ways I was lucky that I didnt see mum suffer. She simply went in an instant x

Hi Lily,

I’m so sorry about your mum. The way you speak of her reminds me a lot about my relationship with my mum. She passed away in September unexpectedly, I’m not going to lie I didn’t think I could do it either. I thought about giving up and being with her many times. What got me through was my daughter. It’s my mums birthday next week, it doesn’t get any easier especially on occasions like a birthday. My daughter will be 3 next month, she was my mums everything and I can’t imagine her not being here. But I’m through the darkest stage, I want to make her proud and that’s what keeps me going. You’ll get that strength too but it will take time. I can’t compare or imagine how hard this is for you with covid going on, I’m so sorry. All I can say is I think you should tell your mum how you feel, maybe not in the sense of how scared you are as you don’t want to upset her but instead tell her how you feel about her. Tell her how much you love her as much as you can, tell her she’s your best friend, she will know it anyway of course but I’m sure it will bring her comfort in the end to remember those conversations. I always told my mum how I felt, we were the soppy type but when I saw her in a hospital and I didn’t know she was going to die I spent some time just joking with her, I wish I comforted her more. She was in a coma and we were told she would have 3 days to live, she died 20 minutes later and in those 20 minutes I told her how proud I was of her and how strong she was and how much she meant to me and I’m so glad now I did. Please message me anytime if you need someone to talk to. 

Sending you lots of love and strength! Your already living through this, you are much stronger than you think I promise x