I know this post was from last year but I hope you see my reply. I just lost my mum two weeks ago. It wasn’t cancer though but this came up when I was googling and I really feel similar to some of the things you wrote and I so feel your pain. She died from a stroke. A massive bleed in the brain that they couldn’t do anything about. I also feel like mistakes were made as she has been to A&E a few times with extremely high blood pressure and chest pains but was always sent home and told she would be fine. She was only 47 in May, she had the worst 15 months, she was stressed and had a horrible time struggling everyday. Finally things were looking up. She had everything to look forward to and was starting an amazing new chapter of her life. Now she’s gone. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I’m so angry. I don’t have a dad and I’m an only child. I’m only 27 and I don’t know how I can go the rest of my life without her. How are you feeling now? Do things get better? Everyone tells me they do but for me it’s getting harder and harder everyday. I don’t think I’ll ever see the light and the end of the tunnel and I feel like no one around me understands. I’m rambling I know but I just don’t know what to do anymore 

I know this post was from last year but I hope you see my reply. I just lost my mum two weeks ago. It wasn’t cancer though but this came up when I was googling and I really feel similar to some of the things you wrote and I so feel your pain. She died from a stroke. A massive bleed in the brain that they couldn’t do anything about. I also feel like mistakes were made as she has been to A&E a few times with extremely high blood pressure and chest pains but was always sent home and told she would be fine. She was only 47 in May, she had the worst 15 months, she was stressed and had a horrible time struggling everyday. Finally things were looking up. She had everything to look forward to and was starting an amazing new chapter of her life. Now she’s gone. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I’m so angry. I don’t have a dad and I’m an only child. I’m only 27 and I don’t know how I can go the rest of my life without her. How are you feeling now? Do things get better? Everyone tells me they do but for me it’s getting harder and harder everyday. I don’t think I’ll ever see the light and the end of the tunnel and I feel like no one around me understands. I’m rambling I know but I just don’t know what to do anymore 

Hi Gemm,

I’m so so sorry to hear about your Mum it’s thw most awful pain ever and I know exactly how you’re feeling. I wish I could say it gets better but it’s been almost a year now and I still feel terrible. I cry every day, in fact I’ve just been crying before I read this. I’ve reported the mistakes made to the complaints board, maybe you should too? It gives you a sense of control and I’m doing it for my Mum as I know she would want me to. Do you have any other family you can talk to? Have you seen a grief therapist or joined a support group? I’m in one now and although I’m not sure if it’s helping the one thing it does do is make you realize you’re not the only one who feels like this. You are so young and I really feel for you. You can message me anytime you like. I don’t know what I can say to comfort you as I don’t find much comfort myself.  Xo

Hi Gemm 

It's been a while since I posted on here, life seems to have gotten in the way. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum, I know how hard it is to deal with that pain so young. My mum passed away in January 19 and I'm 25, no matter what age you are I think it hurts just much. Everyone experiences grief differently, there is no time frame, right or wrong way. I honestly thought my life had come to an end but I can say now you learn to live with the pain, it becomes a part of you but you will find joy in life again. It wont happen over night, you might find yourself feeling guilty for smiling but this is just the journey of grief. I sometimes feel awful for not feeling as upset at my siblings and they think I'm immensely strong for 'powering on' and rarely crying but I'm really just trying to live my life to the fullest, in the way Mum didnt get to live hers. The world will keep on turning, time doesn't stop so I can't let myself get sucked under or I would never resurface again. 

Always here if you need a chat. Em x 

Hi Gemm

I just wanted to let you know that I've followed this post for months but have never commented because my mum didnt die from cancer either and I've just been hoping for inspiration that I will start to cope with my mums passing. My mum died 14 weeks ago of a massive bleed in the brain too. It was completely out of the blue and although mum was 74, she was so active, happy and healthy looking. I honestly dont know how I have got through.

Did your mum have a post mortem? If so, did it provide any answers?

Thinking of you.

Melissa, I hope you are doing better with things. I'm not, but it's still early days for me.

Cheryl x

Hi there.

I just wanted to say I feel exactly the same as you do after losing my wonderful mum in June. Honestly, reading your posts are as though Ive written them myself.

I no longer seek enjoyment from anything I do and just don't see the point in anything anymore. I have two young children and even doing things with them seems pointless without being able to share it with mum. I don't bother taking photos anymore because I have no one to send them to. I can't go anywhere where I went with mum, people said it would give me comfort but it doesn't. Nothing does. I too started counselling but I'm getting nothing from it. I just want to run away most days, it takes everything I have some nights not to get in my car and drive away. I can't explain how mentally draining it is. I just want to be with my mum.

Hi thanks for your reply,

it may sound silly but just knowing I’m not alone and there are other people feeling the same helps, even if just a little bit. 

I think I will also make some complaints. I know it won’t bring my mum back but maybe it will prevent another family having to go through this pain and suffering, although I know it probably won’t amount to anything as the NHS is so good at covering it’s tracks. Did you get anywhere with your complaints?

i do have other family. And they are amazing, but the thing is my granda actually had a stroke when my mum died, they found a blood clot in his brain and he had to go and stay in the same ward in the hospital my mum died in. He was so overwhelmed with stress and exhaustion and I don’t really want to chance him getting ill again as thankfully he’s recovering at home now. 

My aunties are amazing and always there to help and I also have a partner & 2 year old daughter but I feel so lost without my mum when it has always been us against the world. 

I think I will take your advice and join some sort of therapy or group as I’m always feeling so alone. I hope you start feeling a little better soon   

Thank you so much xx

Hi Em,

thank you for your reply & your honesty. I agree that it doesn’t matter what age you lose your mum it will always be hard and you will always be unprepared. I find myself jealous of people who are older than me and still have their mum’and I feel horrible even thinking that. I’m angry at the world for only giving me 27 years with such an amazing woman. I need more time with her. It just wasn’t enough. 

I feel everything you are writing so I know your being honest. I do feel guilty a lot of the time if I smile or laugh. Will that feeling ever go away? I know my mum never would want me to be upset but it’s expected at this point. Everyone is always telling me to be strong but how? My mum was the one who made me strong without her I don’t know who I am. 

I just feel so lost and I’m not sure where to turn 

xx

Hi,

this post just made me need to reply. The feeling the original poster had I now share. 

Im so sorry to hear about your mum and I’m shocked we found each other when it was similar circumstances. 

How are you feeling now? 

We didn’t get a post morterm as the dr had come in and told us the bleed was so bad and inoperable that they could only give her end of life palliative care, within 30 mins she was gone. Did you have one for your mum? Did it help any? 

Xx

Gemm,

My mum had a medical procedure on the 13th june to clear a blocked artery in her neck to reduce the risk of getting a future stroke. It was done under local anaesthetic but 15 minutes later in the recovery room mum told the doctors she felt funny down her left side and she then became unconscious.

They rushed her in for a bran scan and found a massive bleed on her brain. We were also told that it was inoperable and that she would die quickly. The tests to check brain activity weren't done until 6pm on the 14th june and that it when we decided to turn her life support off. 

Although we knew that a brain hemorrhage had killed her, the coroner insisted on a post mortem to ensure that there had been no medical negligence during her op.

Thankfully the PM ruled out any link between the op and the brain bleed. The op had actually gone really well and we are still none the wiser why mum had suffered a bleed on that day. I guess the blockage in the vein had weakened a vessel in her brain over time.

We were told that if she hadnt had the bleed in the hospital it would have happened at home, round the shops, on the bus etc and been very traumatic.

It doesn't help with the loss but I am grateful that neither my daughter or I had to suffer finding her dead or dying at home.

Can I please be cheeky and comment on something you are being told by your family/friends?

You DO NOT have to be strong at this awful time for you or for anybody. Being 'strong' will just suppress your pain and lead to a potential breakdown in the future. I havent been strong at all. I have cried for 3 months solid in front of he gardener, the postman and in Tesco's!

My sister urged me to be strong for my 12 year old and 'try just to cry at night when she is in bed'.

What rubbish! Letting out emotions is the way to deal with grief which is natures response to trauma and loss.

I finally feel like I may be about to start turning the corner at 14 weeks and I truly believe its because I've allowed myself to cry, scream, grieve and be a wreck

Gemm,

By the way, I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack when I was 27 and he was 53. 

Being 48 now and having lost my mum too I can honestly say that it doesnt get better by being older, although I am lucky enough to have had my mum for another 20 years and it's very painful that I missed out so much of my dad.

In an ideal world we would lose our parents when we were in our 60s and they were at least 90.

Cheryl x

I’m so sorry to hear that. What an awful thing to have to go through. 

I don’t think there was any negligence involved with my mum when she had the stroke although I do think events leading up to it could have been handled better and while she was in their care. She either had a stroke in bed and fell out and hit her head or she fell out of bed hit her head which caused the stroke although I believe the stroke came first due to the medical certificate we got when she died as it mentioned hypertension rather than brain trauma. They did not even suggest a PM as I assume they didn’t think they needed to do one. She was not on life support unlike your mum and was kind of an inigma as she was conscious and talking even remebered everything about her life for eg passwords, names, birthdays etc. She went into hospital on the Saturday and I didnt get there’s until the Monday as I live in England and she lived in Ireland. The drs had said she would be in there probably until Christmas recovering but by the next day we were told she would die. It seemed they knew this all along but never told my family that she’s wouldn’t make it. I feel a lot of anger for this as I could have got home sooner if I knew the severity of it from the start rather than 3 hours after I arrived. She slipped into a coma while I was there holding her hand.

Please don’t not think you are cheeky I’m here for honest opinions and advice and that’s exatly what you are giving me and I apreciate it as you are going through the loss of your mum also. I have been trying not to hide my emotions anymore but sometimes I feel so numb and that’s what scares me the most. 

I agree no matter your age it must be horrible and heartbreaking to lose any parent. I hope you are finding things a little bit easier now. 

Xx