I know this post was from last year but I hope you see my reply. I just lost my mum two weeks ago. It wasn’t cancer though but this came up when I was googling and I really feel similar to some of the things you wrote and I so feel your pain. She died from a stroke. A massive bleed in the brain that they couldn’t do anything about. I also feel like mistakes were made as she has been to A&E a few times with extremely high blood pressure and chest pains but was always sent home and told she would be fine. She was only 47 in May, she had the worst 15 months, she was stressed and had a horrible time struggling everyday. Finally things were looking up. She had everything to look forward to and was starting an amazing new chapter of her life. Now she’s gone. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I’m so angry. I don’t have a dad and I’m an only child. I’m only 27 and I don’t know how I can go the rest of my life without her. How are you feeling now? Do things get better? Everyone tells me they do but for me it’s getting harder and harder everyday. I don’t think I’ll ever see the light and the end of the tunnel and I feel like no one around me understands. I’m rambling I know but I just don’t know what to do anymore 

Hi Gemm,

I’m so so sorry to hear about your Mum it’s thw most awful pain ever and I know exactly how you’re feeling. I wish I could say it gets better but it’s been almost a year now and I still feel terrible. I cry every day, in fact I’ve just been crying before I read this. I’ve reported the mistakes made to the complaints board, maybe you should too? It gives you a sense of control and I’m doing it for my Mum as I know she would want me to. Do you have any other family you can talk to? Have you seen a grief therapist or joined a support group? I’m in one now and although I’m not sure if it’s helping the one thing it does do is make you realize you’re not the only one who feels like this. You are so young and I really feel for you. You can message me anytime you like. I don’t know what I can say to comfort you as I don’t find much comfort myself.  Xo

I too could have written your posts myself, I lost my beautiful mum in July and I don't think I will ever get over it. I am just existing until I see her again. I find no pleasure in any aspect of my life, I cannot go anywhere that I went with my mum as it hurts too much. I feel there were many mistakes made and my mum should not have died. My mum did not pass from cancer but a sudden and unexpected event, I have many regrets of things I should have done and I cannot forgive myself for not seeking help sooner. I pray every night that I will die in my sleep so I can be with her again. I used to speak to her everyday and we used to do loads of things together, I miss her so so much. 

I read this and I cried for you. I know exactly how you feel. I’m not sure if you read all the comments on this but my mum died a month ago today, from a sudden and unexpected event that I, like you, believe mistakes were made it could have been avoided and she shouldn’t have died. I also have a lot of regrets, but one thing I do know is my mum wouldn’t want me to have any, and you say you were close with your mum so I’m pretty sure she would feel the same as mine. It’s a massive hole in my existence as it is yours and a lot of the one I feel like no one really understands at all, until I read your comment. You get it 100% it’s a pain that will never go away. I don’t know how to help you or how it gets better or if it ever does but I am here if you ever want to talk. At least we know we aren’t alone in feeling this way. 

Sending you lots lots of love and strength xx

Thank you for your kind words they are very much appreciated. I feel my friends and family are losing patience with me now and people have stopped asking if I'm ok, to be honest this doesn't bother me too much as I don't really care about anything anymore. I feel I am living a lie at the moment, outwardly  I am going about my daily life, although I have not yet returned to work, I am saying and acting what people want to hear whilst inside I am screaming. I stumbled upon this forum whilst I was googling whether you go to heaven if you commit suicide. I just feel as if I will never feel any pleasure again and what's the point of anything. I go to my mums house and it's just as if she's gone to the shops, everything is as she left it, my mum died very quickly, less than 24hrs from the first symptoms. She was shopping in the morning and then she was gone. 

Hi beaut,

So sorry for the loss of your mum. It's so hard isn't it?

I dont think any if us will be the same again and I have cried every day for nearly 16 weeks. I'm a shadow of my former self and like you, obtain no pleasure from anything that I do.

However, I know that our mums were loved and that they knew they were. They would be devastated to know how we are all feeling and how this has impacted our lives. Your mum would be heartbroken to know you were googling suicide or hoping you wouldn't wake up in the morning. Dont get me wrong, I have never been so down in my life and have no idea how I'm going to get through the rest of my life. I no longer dream of reaching my 80s or 90s.im just taking each day as it comes and trying to get some sort of life back for my mum.

Cheryl x

Thank you Cheryl, To truly find someone who knows how I feel is a relief. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. I know that what you have said is true, my mum would be horrified if she knew my thoughts. My friends and family would be too, I'm a brilliant actor though so I doubt they ever will. Although I google these terrible things I would not put my children through this pain deliberately and that is what stops me, they cannot lose their mum too. I am starting to take steps to get better, I have started counselling and I am hopeful that this will help me. 

It sounds like we are all feeling the same, it is comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling like this.

My mum would also be really mad at me if she knew what I was thinking at times. I hear her telling me off! She wouldn't want me to be the person I have become. But I don't want to be who I was, in fact I can't be that person without my mum. I too am plodding along for the sake of my children. Mum always put her grandchildren first, fiercely protective over them and I have to keep going to protect them like my mum did. I'm doing it for her.

Every day is foggy in my head, no clear thoughts. This week the pain of losing her has debilitated me, I haven't wanted to leave the house. I've been reading all my text messages from her crying buckets.

Sorry this is all over the place...

That's good. I have my second counselling session tomorrow and I start back at work on Monday which is a big deal for me.

I get very sad that we are having to endure all this and I think to myself, 4 months ago everything was fine. Mum lived with us and we had a nice life. Mum would walk my daughter to the bus stop and come home and put her feet up. My partner and I were busy working and we all had dinner together. How could we not have known what was around the corner? Were where the signs that mum was so close to death? I thought we would watch mum slowly deteriorate over the next 10 to 15 years and die in her late 80s. To go bang at 74 has been the biggest shock for us all.

It seems that you experienced something similar.

Cheryl x

Bobs,

I've had a terrible week as well. Perhaps the arrival of the cold weather hasnt helped. Putting on the heating for the first time yesterday and feeling the radiators in mums living room and bedroom heat up really upset me.

Everything just seems pointless and like you I'm carrying on for my 12 year old.  My mums death has devastated her and she cannot lose me too.

Somehow we will all get through this.its nouce to have found a group who all feel the same.

Cheryl x

I'm struggling to even enter my mums house at the moment, it's too painful. I know I have all her things to sort but just can't face it. Also feels like I'm removing her from there if I do. 

My mum was only 61 and even though 2 years ago we were told her cancer was incurable I didn't think she'd be gone so quick. Maybe I was deluded/stupid to think she'd have longer but she was actually so fit and well on her chemo. It all happened so fast, even her consultant was shocked at the speed she deteriorated. I'm sure in a way that was better for my mum because she wouldn't have wanted to go on for long suffering but I just feel robbed. I hate cancer, it destroys everything! 

Thank you for replying. No one else seems to get me right now.

Hi, yes your story is very similar to mine except my mum didn't live with us, she was 77, living very independently in her own home and loving life, we did everything together though, I saw her most days and if I didn't see her I always rang her. We had a lovely holiday booked together but she passed two weeks before we were due to go. I like you thought we have at least another 10 years with her. My mum was out shopping with my niece when she started to feel unwell, they had a meal in a pub and it started very soon after, my niece took her to the walk in centre and they said she had food poisoning. We looked after her all that night treating that diagnosis, how wrong we were to do that, I feel I should have known that she was much more poorly than a bout of food poisoning. By the time I called the ambulance it was too late to save her, they took her straight to theatre but it was too late, her bowel was ischaemic and there was nothing they could do, she died. I torture myself with the thought of the pain she was in and all we did was give her paracetamol. How could someone who was loving, kind and generous suffer in her last hours like that, why didn't I do something sooner. I feel I didn't listen to her, I just went along with what the doctor said and didn't think for myself. I truly feel if I'd taken her to a&e sooner she would still be here, it's torture. 
 

Lisa x 

Hi, yes your story is very similar to mine except my mum didn't live with us, she was 77, living very independently in her own home and loving life, we did everything together though, I saw her most days and if I didn't see her I always rang her. We had a lovely holiday booked together but she passed two weeks before we were due to go. I like you thought we have at least another 10 years with her. My mum was out shopping with my niece when she started to feel unwell, they had a meal in a pub and it started very soon after, my niece took her to the walk in centre and they said she had food poisoning. We looked after her all that night treating that diagnosis, how wrong we were to do that, I feel I should have known that she was much more poorly than a bout of food poisoning. By the time I called the ambulance it was too late to save her, they took her straight to theatre but it was too late, her bowel was ischaemic and there was nothing they could do, she died. I torture myself with the thought of the pain she was in and all we did was give her paracetamol. How could someone who was loving, kind and generous suffer in her last hours like that, why didn't I do something sooner. I feel I didn't listen to her, I just went along with what the doctor said and didn't think for myself. I truly feel if I'd taken her to a&e sooner she would still be here, it's torture. 
 

Lisa x 

Hi lisa 

A meal in a pub wouldn't have caused this. Did she have a post mortem? 

I have exactly the same thoughts as you though. I was having a lovely meal in a pub with mum with no signs she was unwell. The following day mum wasnt right and I told her I wanted to take her to hospital. She appeared a bit confused and was dropping everything she picked up. She left the tap on in the kitchen and forgot to turn the oven off. If only I had recognised signs of a stroke. She told me to stop treating her like a baby and to go to work.

That night my partner dragged her to a and e where they found a blood clot on her brain. Although she was discharged from hospital 5 days later almost her old self she had a massive brain hemorrhage a week later.

I beat myself up that I didnt force her to the hospital and wonder if I could have saved her.

Thankfully the coroner insisted on a post mortem which revealed that mum had severe heart disease, numerous blocked arteries around heart and in her neck and quite honestly mum was never going on till her 80s.

A massive heart attack or stroke were imminent.

It has helped me slightly.

Cheryl x

Hi, no there was no post mortem because mum had been to theatre and the cause of death was so obvious. They explained that mum had 'possibly' had some sort of cardiac episode hours earlier that she or anyone else hadn't been aware of and that a clot had probably been thrown off and this blocked the small arteries to her bowel, they said a post mortem would not be able to pinpoint the exact location of the blockage as it would have been tiny. We decided as a family not to pursue this any further, we know now that the 'food poisoning' was a red herring that altered everybody's judgement. 
 

Lisa x 

Hi lisa,

We knew that mum had died from a catastrophic brain hemorrhage. We were given the option of a post mortem but told the likelihood of finding out why mum had suffered a brain hemorrhage was very low so as a family we decided to decline.

2 weeks later we were told that the coroner were now insisting on one as mum had a small op 15 minutes before her brain hemorrhage under local anaesthetic and they wanted to know if there had been any medical negligence.

I'm so pleased that the coroner insisted on this as we found out that the surgery had no relevance to mums brain bleed and we got to know the full extent of mums health which has shown us mum didn't have a long life ahead of her.

We also found put that mum had a historic heart attack that she knew nothing about so it sounds like the doctors explanation for your mum is probably right. I have since learnt that its very common for women to have small heart attacks without realising and to have nothing more than indigestion like pain or upper back pain. 

I think it was probably our mums time to go and as hard as it us neither if them suffered for long. Reading this site has shown me how some peoples lived ones suffer for months in agony and I am so pleased that mum didnt.

Of course the sudden passing makes it very hard on us as we remember them fit healthy and happy and cannot understand how they can leave us in a puff of smoke.

Thinking of you.

Cheryl x

Hi, yes I agree with you, somewhere deep in my heart I feel that it was her time to go and although those hours prior were horrendous and will stay with me forever I am glad it wasn't weeks or months she was unwell for. I am glad I 'met' you Cheryl, I think I've shared with you more in these few chats than I have shared with anyone else. I hope we can keep in touch through our journey and one day we both find some peace.

Lisa x

Hi lisa,

Absolutely. My partner thinks I'm mad sounding time on these forums (I also read sue ryder coping with bereavement forum) but I have found it so comforting to find people who have lost their mum recently.

I'm just about to meet an old friend for coffee. I will get the useful if there is anything I can do, must be awful etc etc but both her parents are very much alive, happy and healthy.

Keep talking to me and sharing your journey.

Cheryl x

Hi beaut,

How are you doing 3 months further on?

I'm still struggling alot. The weeks and months are passing and I'm getting further away from my mum.

I am back at work full time and am grateful for this as my working days are much more bearable than my days off where I cry alot still.

Cheryl 

Hi Cheryl

things are still very difficult and like you I still Cry most days. I really struggled at New year, I felt as if I was leaving her in 2019 and I felt very guilty about that. I am still off work at the moment but I am in negotiations with my manager about returning and I think that will be in a couple of weeks time. I am feeling positive about returning to work as I do feel ready now. Although it is nearly six months since mum passed it still only seems like yesterday and missing her very essence has increased.  I have had many counselling sessions to try to help me come to terms with the actual events of that night and I can at least talk about it now. I still cannot however imagine the future without her yet. I am totally changed as a person, my heart has hardened and I  can be spiteful and selfish with those closest to me, that is something I am going to work on this year. I truly hope that you start to feel better soon Cheryl, take comfort that you are not alone. 
 

Lisa

Hi lisa 

I know what you mean. Its almost 7 months for me and I know mum has gone and I'm dealing with her absence one day at a time, but I'm not prepared to accept its forever.

I think I wont see her today but maybe tomorrow?

My brain is not ready to accept this really happened.

Particularly as our mums were fine right up to their deaths. Of course I wouldn't have wanted mum to have suffered for months but I may at least have prepared for such an event. When they are living normally you think you've got them for years.

Nice to hear from you x

Hello,

i just wanted to reach out as I don’t know what to do anymore.. my mum has only a few months to live. She is my best friend and I love her so much. I share everything with her and talk to her everyday. 

I live in the UK and she lives abroad. With Covid, I am unable to travel to see her. It’s already been 2 months since I last saw her. I have a one year old. My mum was diagnosed with cancer when my baby was just a few weeks. I’ve tried to spend as much time as I could with her until the lockdown. I’m tormented as I want to fly to see her as soon as the lock down is over, but I can’t risk catching Covid and infecting her/me/my son...

its like a nightmare. I can’t accept the fact that I can’t spend time with her in her last months... the thought of her passing is just unbearable. I don’t know if I will be strong enough to go through this. She is everything to me.

Hi lilyuk,

I'm sorry to see that your mum doesnt have long left to live. It's a truly awful situation. Speak to her as much as you can and say the things you want to. I didn't  know my mum was going to die. I didnt even know she was ill so I didnt get to say my goodbyes, talk about last things, etc.

When the time comes you will get through this. Its nearly 11 months for me and I am still not coping well but I am learning to very slowly live without her.

You have a child to throw your love into. My daughter keeps me going. Without her I would have given up.

Thinking of you.

Cheryl