Hi thanks for your reply,

it may sound silly but just knowing I’m not alone and there are other people feeling the same helps, even if just a little bit. 

I think I will also make some complaints. I know it won’t bring my mum back but maybe it will prevent another family having to go through this pain and suffering, although I know it probably won’t amount to anything as the NHS is so good at covering it’s tracks. Did you get anywhere with your complaints?

i do have other family. And they are amazing, but the thing is my granda actually had a stroke when my mum died, they found a blood clot in his brain and he had to go and stay in the same ward in the hospital my mum died in. He was so overwhelmed with stress and exhaustion and I don’t really want to chance him getting ill again as thankfully he’s recovering at home now. 

My aunties are amazing and always there to help and I also have a partner & 2 year old daughter but I feel so lost without my mum when it has always been us against the world. 

I think I will take your advice and join some sort of therapy or group as I’m always feeling so alone. I hope you start feeling a little better soon   

Thank you so much xx

Hi Em,

thank you for your reply & your honesty. I agree that it doesn’t matter what age you lose your mum it will always be hard and you will always be unprepared. I find myself jealous of people who are older than me and still have their mum’and I feel horrible even thinking that. I’m angry at the world for only giving me 27 years with such an amazing woman. I need more time with her. It just wasn’t enough. 

I feel everything you are writing so I know your being honest. I do feel guilty a lot of the time if I smile or laugh. Will that feeling ever go away? I know my mum never would want me to be upset but it’s expected at this point. Everyone is always telling me to be strong but how? My mum was the one who made me strong without her I don’t know who I am. 

I just feel so lost and I’m not sure where to turn 

xx

Hi,

this post just made me need to reply. The feeling the original poster had I now share. 

Im so sorry to hear about your mum and I’m shocked we found each other when it was similar circumstances. 

How are you feeling now? 

We didn’t get a post morterm as the dr had come in and told us the bleed was so bad and inoperable that they could only give her end of life palliative care, within 30 mins she was gone. Did you have one for your mum? Did it help any? 

Xx

Gemm,

My mum had a medical procedure on the 13th june to clear a blocked artery in her neck to reduce the risk of getting a future stroke. It was done under local anaesthetic but 15 minutes later in the recovery room mum told the doctors she felt funny down her left side and she then became unconscious.

They rushed her in for a bran scan and found a massive bleed on her brain. We were also told that it was inoperable and that she would die quickly. The tests to check brain activity weren't done until 6pm on the 14th june and that it when we decided to turn her life support off. 

Although we knew that a brain hemorrhage had killed her, the coroner insisted on a post mortem to ensure that there had been no medical negligence during her op.

Thankfully the PM ruled out any link between the op and the brain bleed. The op had actually gone really well and we are still none the wiser why mum had suffered a bleed on that day. I guess the blockage in the vein had weakened a vessel in her brain over time.

We were told that if she hadnt had the bleed in the hospital it would have happened at home, round the shops, on the bus etc and been very traumatic.

It doesn't help with the loss but I am grateful that neither my daughter or I had to suffer finding her dead or dying at home.

Can I please be cheeky and comment on something you are being told by your family/friends?

You DO NOT have to be strong at this awful time for you or for anybody. Being 'strong' will just suppress your pain and lead to a potential breakdown in the future. I havent been strong at all. I have cried for 3 months solid in front of he gardener, the postman and in Tesco's!

My sister urged me to be strong for my 12 year old and 'try just to cry at night when she is in bed'.

What rubbish! Letting out emotions is the way to deal with grief which is natures response to trauma and loss.

I finally feel like I may be about to start turning the corner at 14 weeks and I truly believe its because I've allowed myself to cry, scream, grieve and be a wreck

Gemm,

By the way, I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack when I was 27 and he was 53. 

Being 48 now and having lost my mum too I can honestly say that it doesnt get better by being older, although I am lucky enough to have had my mum for another 20 years and it's very painful that I missed out so much of my dad.

In an ideal world we would lose our parents when we were in our 60s and they were at least 90.

Cheryl x

I too could have written your posts myself, I lost my beautiful mum in July and I don't think I will ever get over it. I am just existing until I see her again. I find no pleasure in any aspect of my life, I cannot go anywhere that I went with my mum as it hurts too much. I feel there were many mistakes made and my mum should not have died. My mum did not pass from cancer but a sudden and unexpected event, I have many regrets of things I should have done and I cannot forgive myself for not seeking help sooner. I pray every night that I will die in my sleep so I can be with her again. I used to speak to her everyday and we used to do loads of things together, I miss her so so much. 

I read this and I cried for you. I know exactly how you feel. I’m not sure if you read all the comments on this but my mum died a month ago today, from a sudden and unexpected event that I, like you, believe mistakes were made it could have been avoided and she shouldn’t have died. I also have a lot of regrets, but one thing I do know is my mum wouldn’t want me to have any, and you say you were close with your mum so I’m pretty sure she would feel the same as mine. It’s a massive hole in my existence as it is yours and a lot of the one I feel like no one really understands at all, until I read your comment. You get it 100% it’s a pain that will never go away. I don’t know how to help you or how it gets better or if it ever does but I am here if you ever want to talk. At least we know we aren’t alone in feeling this way. 

Sending you lots lots of love and strength xx

Thank you for your kind words they are very much appreciated. I feel my friends and family are losing patience with me now and people have stopped asking if I'm ok, to be honest this doesn't bother me too much as I don't really care about anything anymore. I feel I am living a lie at the moment, outwardly  I am going about my daily life, although I have not yet returned to work, I am saying and acting what people want to hear whilst inside I am screaming. I stumbled upon this forum whilst I was googling whether you go to heaven if you commit suicide. I just feel as if I will never feel any pleasure again and what's the point of anything. I go to my mums house and it's just as if she's gone to the shops, everything is as she left it, my mum died very quickly, less than 24hrs from the first symptoms. She was shopping in the morning and then she was gone. 

Hi beaut,

So sorry for the loss of your mum. It's so hard isn't it?

I dont think any if us will be the same again and I have cried every day for nearly 16 weeks. I'm a shadow of my former self and like you, obtain no pleasure from anything that I do.

However, I know that our mums were loved and that they knew they were. They would be devastated to know how we are all feeling and how this has impacted our lives. Your mum would be heartbroken to know you were googling suicide or hoping you wouldn't wake up in the morning. Dont get me wrong, I have never been so down in my life and have no idea how I'm going to get through the rest of my life. I no longer dream of reaching my 80s or 90s.im just taking each day as it comes and trying to get some sort of life back for my mum.

Cheryl x