Hello Toni1; welcome to the forum.  How awful to lose two loving relatives so quickly.  It is hard when you are the only person having to carry the burden of everything that a death entails and without any relatives who can share the pain and difficulties that are inevitable.    Would you like to tell us a bit about yourself and the loved ones you have lost; and what you have gone through this year.  You shouldn't have to carry this alone.    How are you getting along - are you for intance managing to sleeep and eat regularly?  Sorry to sound so confoundedly inquisitive but I think you will find that others have had similar experiences and will understand.  I have lost family and friends to cancer over the years - how I hate it!  Annie

Hello Annie.  Thank you for replying to me its good to have someone to talk to who really understands how I feel but I am really sorry that you and me are both in this situation.  My mum had breast cancer twice - the first time she was 40 they removed lymph glands the second time she was 47 and they did a mastecomy and she had cemo and radio theraphy and took tamoxifen for 5 years. All was well until 2015 when at the age of 70 she started bleeding as if she were having periods again the doctor fobbed her off for a year before finally agreeing to send her for scans in June 2016 where they discovered she had bowl cancer growing on her cervix whch is very unusual. They gave her cemo and radio theraphy and evventually gave her a hysterectomy. As part of the treatment she had to have stents incerted into her kidneys as they were also not draining properly. She lot a lot of weight but gradually put back on quite a bit then in the December of 2016 ( 1 week before Chrsitmas) I dropped her off at the hospital in the morning for a routine stent change and was suppose to pick her up on the evening but the hosptia called me to say that she was now in intesive care and to get to the hosptial quickly. It turned out that when they went to open her up to operate she had a massive infection septicemia, she had a heart attack too and was on deaths door.  She then spent that Christmas and in total 3 weeks in hospital. During all of this time my Grandmother had developed Dementia and Alzheimers which had been getting progressivly worse over the last 5 years - she lived at home with my mum who was her carer. Nan had gone into a lovely care home for a week whilst mum was in hospital but due to mums now failing health she ended up staying threre and never came home. Over the next few months of 2017 mum got a bit better but had a pain in her neck - she went back into hospital in June 2017 for another stent change and whilst in there they did another upper body scan and found out the same bowl cancer had spread from her cervix to her neck and lungs. They decided to scann her again in September - this showed that it had grown slightly and by now mums right knee was also aching. In September they told us it was terminal they said they would keep an eye on it with scans and as and when it started to really become a problem for mum they would do chemo and or radio theraphy to help slow it down but that she would die they could not save her . Over the next 6 months mum became more poorly with her knee and eventually had a really bad chest pain which turned out to be another tumour on her rib so it had spread there too also then they said the knee pain was also tumour so the cancer finally spread to her bones.  Mum was in hospital 2 days after her birthday on 23 March she stayed in for 6 weeks and died on 29th April 2018. I couldn't tell my Grandmother that Mum had died as she was getting upset enough due to the fact that Mum had not been able to visit her for months and she kept forgetting everything so I could not keep putting her through it again and again.  My mum was a great mum. She was cleaver before she retired she was a Legal Exexutive running a probabte department for a firm of solicitors she had worked in Law all her life she was very respected in her field. She was funny, intelligent, beautiful and a real inspiration to me. My grandmother was the kindest women I have ever known. They both showered me in love all my life. I used to speak to them everyday on the phone and I visited them every Saturday. I used to go on holiday with my mum, go to the theature, cinema and have shopping girly times too.  I miss the conversations I had with them so much. They were so wise. I talk to them all the time now but I really wish they could answer me back.  I have a partner Kevin whom I live with and 3 cats. He is great but has not lost anyone so it always come as a surprise when I have a moment of grief again. My cats are telepathic they always know when I need a snuggle. My best friend lost her father a few years ago she does understand. I know I am lucky to have them all but sometimes it is just not enough. I hope I dont sound too selfish for saying this. I do sleep but I wake u a lot in the night so I sleep on and off I suppose this will eventually get getter and yes I am eating. I just wish I could bring them back.xx Toni

Thank you Toni for taking the time to give us so much information about what you have been through; it gives a rounder picture of everything that has happened.  Pets are great; they know when you need a snuggle; I have a little dog (as per photo) who is the latest in a line of rescue dogs.  There is no time limit on grieving and it varies from person to person.   Sometimes you feel a bit better and you think you are starting to get over it but it can still wash over you like a wave - it comes and gos. It is many years since my own mam died (cancer again) but I still speak to her and remember her voice clearly.  I have my parents wedding photo in my living room - it was during World War 2; my dad was in uniform and my mam had hastily bought rationed clothing as my dad was shortly to be sent abroad and they had to take their chances of happiness quickly as there might be no tomorrows.  Hard to imagine now with all the fuss, expense and months of planning!  Anyway, enough of me.  I am not a good sleeper but when I cannot sleep I get up and make a warm drink and read for a while.  Lying in bed unable to sleep is horrible.  You have been through a very traumatic year and need to be kind to yourself.  Remind yourself that your genes are partly derived from these two wonderful women and you are going to be a great mum too.  Annie 

Hi toni so sorry about your mum and gran must be a great strain to deal with this on your own ime much older than you and lost mum and dad many tears ago but my partner liz six months ago i understand the awfull alone feel you must have  i hope you have friends to support you plus you have many to chat to on this site and your talking to one of the kindest people on this site annie it has helped me no end now ime trying to give a bit back . It does get better though but just takes time you cry as much as you can dont worry if you break down in front of otheres it dosent matter if they are botherd then they arnt worth worrying about i think beiing kin to yourself means trying to eat and drink etc we tend to overeat or not eat enough neither helps theres bereavement groups as you get to be with people that understand and make you wellcome . Counciling is good because people try to change the subject thinking its kind to get you to talk about something else but is needed.the councilers dont do that you can pour your heart out weep sit there and vertualy say nothing and they talk instead and give you ideas .but just being with someone else helps i struggle every day but life is getting brighter so hang on in there if anxiatys getting to you go see your gp and have a word they may give you somthing short term to help because dealing with life alone with anxiaty is very difficult so my best wishs to you .paul

Dear Annie. Thank you so much . I really appreciate being able to pour my heart out . You are right I know things will get a little easier with time.  I hope eventually to be able to help other people on this wonderful forum. Xxx

Dear Paul. Thank you so much for replying to me. It's so helpful to have lovely kind people like you and Anne to talk too. I know time is the only answer. I will keep in touch with you both and hopefully in future I will feel strong enough to help other people on this wonderful forum like you are helping me. Xx