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I miss my Mum

StreakyPumba
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Mum was diagnosed on 13th July 2018 with incurable pancreatic cancer. She was told she would have 6-9 months, 6 weeks and 1 day later she passed away on 25th August 2018 aged 54 years. It will be 8 weeks tomorrow since she passed. I am 30 years old (an adult) and I feel so lost without Mum. I find every day so difficult, and I long for a chat and a big hug from my Mum. Mum always used to say to me when I was younger that she was my Mum first and foremost and not my best friend, but when I reached adulthood our relationship changed and she was my best friend. I feel like she has was snatched from us, and I don't think I will ever get my head around it.

I feel so sad that Mum won't see me get married or meet my children. I'm terrified that with time I will miss her even more so than I do now, and that I'm not strong enough to cope. I'm going to bereavement counselling which helps, but I'm not being allowed to grieve and my energy is being taken up by a family member (my aunt) who is unleashing what can only be described as pure rage to my Dad. It upsets me that she is my Mum's sister and that she could do that to my Dad, my brother and myself. She seems to think her relationship to my Mum was the most important, I forever hear that my Mum was 'a daughter and a sister before anything else.' Yes that is true, and I would never say that other people weren't important to my Mum, but my Mum was proud to be a Mother to both of us, and would have protected us from anyone (even her sister). I feel she is disregarding our relationship to our Mum, and leaving a stain on my Mum's legacy. After her behaviour (and her very nasty comments), I understand she is grieving but I cannot forgive her, this is the time we need each other the most and she has let us down. I can't believe I'm even talking about her behaviour now, it has clearly taken up so much of my energy, but from now I will focus my energy on grieving for my Mum, and making her proud.

Mum was my biggest protector and unbelievably brave throughout. To watch her go from a fit healthy woman to frail and to lose her independence is truly hearbreaking. I hope with time the positive memories will erase the negative memories I have of Mum being so poorly. I have truly lost a piece of my heart that I don't think will ever heal.

I know I am going to have ok days and not ok days, but I'm just going to focus on making my Mum proud of me.

Pam

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    Hi Pam I understand ur situations not the nicest or the easiest but I think u said the solution urself, to start focusing ur energy on grieving and making your mum proud. And I’m sure she’d want all your energy being positive rather than negative, I know it’s not easy as I’m in a similar situation but I keep telling myself it and I think that reminding myself to be positive And coming on this website are slowly starting to make myself feel better hopefully would be the same For u xxx

  • Offline in reply to anon231099

    I'd literally give my whole world to have my mum back. The pain is unbearable :(

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    Hi,

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand you feeling so hurt with such a quick time between knowing she was ill and losing her. 

    I lost my Mum 3 months ago, 3 months to the day that she was diagnosed. My Mum had bowel cancer, but it was not found until it had spread to her ovaries and lungs. In the end her bowel became obstructed and she had a very painful, uncomfortable last 3 weeks, wasting away from that terrible illness.

    I can sympathise with the distraction from other family members. Your Aunt must be really hurting, and unable to direct it any other way. Would it help if you told her you were finding counselling helpful? 

    In my case, I have been left with a Father who is an abusive, functioning alcoholic with capacity issues. I find dealing with him is preventing me from grieving. His determination to clear out all traces of my Mum have caused a lot of upset in the family.

    My Mum was a Saint, for putting up with my Dad, but she handled her illness with a quiet dignity and strength.

    I miss her so much, long to have just a 5 minute chat with her, or a hug, or hold her hand one last time. 

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    Hi Pam

    It’s been 17 years since my mum died of pancreatic cancer.  I was 26 when she died - like you said an adult.  Only I was anything but.  I was only starting to make my own way and like you hadn’t yet started a family.

    Its such an horrifically cruel cancer.  I look back on the 11 months we had her and feel so angry I didn’t make the most of them to really get to know her and have her get to know me.  Instead it was banal conversation about pain management and avoidance at all costs the inevitable.  You are lucky you had those years to get to know her as a friend- I wish I’d had that.  Having just finished uni and the whole travel thing I assumed that would come next.  She was such a funny woman.  And complex for so many reasons, not least because of her upbringing amongst some strong personalities.

    Your feeling of loss of future enjoyment with her and of her getting to know you and your own family when that happens for you is so understandable.  You’ll want to ask her - god was I like that?  When ur child is driving you up the wall and apologise when you recognise you were!  But you’ll smile because all these things will keep her close to you.  Make traditions around her now - or when you do have a family.  

    I wish I could say it will get easier.  I’m on here tonight because I miss her and needed a way to acknowledge she existed.  She was amazing and every day I try to parent reminds me just how amazing she was to do that with six of us.

    i hope by now things have settled with your Aunt.  But if not just know that there is nothing you can do and try to ignore it.  At 43 I’m realising we don’t really grow up - I’m the same person I was at 26 just with more responsibilities.  Your Aunt too is probably just a kid inside dealing with whatever baggage made her who she was growing up.  

    Cry, laugh, remember the good times.  Wishing you the very best E

  • Offline in reply to anon231099

    Hi pam so sorry about your mum grief ime afraid can bring the best and the worsed out of people like your aunt but you and your dad are not there to be her punch bag might i suggest putting what you said that familys should stick together .its makes loss so much worse just say to keep away if she cant be supportive if she takes offence thats ber problem .i had same with my partners daughter taking her guilt out on me we dont talk now as she reached a limit and i had had enough ime sad it ended that way but like you and your dad you need your sanity . Dont force yourself to grieve just do what your mind tells you to do whatever you do will be the right thing to do we all grieve in diffrent ways to a point its so early for both you and your dad so keep together he and you are the only ones that understand how you both feel and thats enough but i can say this you will be ok the pain does dwindle i know you will not feel this at the moment but it does yes keep up with the counciling .i think some think its a magic bullet and give up but as the months go bye it helps even if its just a chat rant you name it its about you and your dad healing your souls in a way .your dad must be so lost right now he will feel his lifes ended but it hasnt so hang on you both going out for walks in the park does help being with nature not one you all used to go to one that has know memories all these things i did it wasnt easy but it does help so my best wishs to you and your dad .paul

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