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Feel like I've let my Mum down

Rae44
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I lost my lovely Mum to pancreatic cancer last August just 16 weeks after being diagnosed. One year on and I'm struggling to cope and process all that's happened. Ive been seeing a counsellor at the hospice Mum stayed in, which has been a great support but the thing that really haunts me is the feeling that she'll miss out on so much of my life.

I'm 34 and single, I know she would dearly loved to have seen me to buy a home of my own, get married and have children - she would have made such a wonderful Grandma :-) I was halfway through buying a house when Mum got ill last year and I decided to pull out to help care for her when we were told her diagnosis was terminal. 

I'm an only child and live alone but am helping look after my widowed Dad who's in his late 70s - he was diagnosed with bowel cancer two years ago which is thankfully currently under control.  

I feel so sad my Mum will miss out on all the milestones I'd have loved to have reached by now and feel I've really let her down. I feel ridiculous admitting this, but it's really preventing me from moving forward. My counsellor says she thinks this is also my grief over 'feeling behind in life' as I put it, which is heightened by not having Mum around.  I also split up with my partner last year and whilst this was on good terms, he's now married with a baby on the way. I'm really happy for him but can't help but feel jealous that his family get to share in this whereas my Mum never will. 

Wondered if anyone else has experienced something similar and if you have any advice? I just feel robbed of my dear Mum and really alone. 

 

 

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    Hi there sorry you have lost your mum its not that long ago i would say your mum and dad must be very proud of you looking after your dad .last year spitting up from your partner and things must be difficult just that alone. You can allways buy another house .i cant give you much advice on your situation as it was my partner i lost. only that hold onto the fact that eventualy you will feel better . Bless you. paul

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    It may help you to understand that the spirit is able to see all your milestones in life and although not physically present your mum is still a part of your life.

    In fact I believe that the spirit sees time in a completely different way and not just in a past and future way.

    It is difficult for us to accept this because we are conditioned in this world to use a man made system of time which the spirit no longer adhers to.

    So as absurd as it sounds your mother can be with you for major events, achievements , sorrows and joys .x 

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    I really feel for you. I too lost my Mum to pancreatic cancer 8 weeks ago, she passed 6 weeks after being diagnosed. I'm 30 years old and my Mum and Dad helped me buy a house (contracts were exchanged two weeks before she was diagnosed).

    I too understand the pain of Mum not meeting her grandchildren, (I don't have any children yet, but have a  boyfriend). If I look at people around me, I to am 'behind on life.' People my age have already bought a house, got married and had children. But, I do strongly believe that everyone has to do things in life at their own pace, I think if you rush into things it usually goes badly.

    You were already going through a large achievement in buying your house, and you are so strong being there for your Dad.

    It's really hard not to compare yourself to other people, but go at your own pace, don't ever feel like you have let your Mum down. Maybe she would be happier thinking you have taken your time in achieving my milestones, I'm sure she wouldn't want you to rush them and be unhappy.

    Good things take time.

    I really hope you are ok, thinking of you

    Pam x

  • Offline in reply to StreakyPumba

    Hi i was just reading your post after replying to rae .and how your feeling left behind by life and how you should be having familys etc .theres a story two old schoole friends who have not seen oneanothere for years ones married got two kids rushed off her feet  dosnt go out much the other friend has a house job goes out a lot .and at the end of the evening they say goodbye and they are both enviouse of each othere so try not to think your being left behind in life. The awful thing is loosing your mum but as a dad myself i would be so proud how well you have done you will find out that the only thing a parant needs is that there kids are doing ok .all the other things are just suger ime so sorry you have both lost your  mums to this rotten disease when your so young best wishs p

  • Offline in reply to StreakyPumba

    Pam, 

    I'm so sorry to hear you lost your Mum, and so recently too. It's such a heartbreaking thing and feels way too young to have lost a Mum. Hope the move to your new house is going okay? 

    Thank you for the words of encouragement :-)  I can totally relate to looking at everyone around me and thinking I've got some catching up to do! But you're right too that good things take time and everyone moves at their own pace.  And, it does all boil down to who you're comparing yourself with! A good friend of mine helped put things in perspective this week when she said 'you can't compare the worst year of your life to the best year of someone else's' - and it's true. 

    I'm another sense, we've both just undergoing a huge 'right of passage' - losing our dear Mum. It's just unfortunately arrived much sooner than we wanted or expected.  I'm the first of my friends to have lost a Mum and so there's no real reference point or 'blue print' as to how it's supposed to look, which can feel a bit isolating. I imagine that might be the same for you, too? 

    Whilst its not a milestone I wanted to be faced with so young, it does build a huge amount of strength, resilience and an empathy for others who've been through similar that I didn't have before.

    I do sometimes look at some of my friends and think they have all this to come in the future and don't envy them one bit.  I just hope I can be a source of comfort to them when the time comes, having walked that path myself :-)

    Take care Pam, sending love to you and your family xx

     

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