I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. I lost my partner in June and it's only now that I can really think about him without it hurting so much. Because I was his carer all the benefits stopped immediately but I was told to get in touch with the citizens advice bureau and they helped me find out what help I could get so maybe you could try that. I'm still finding everyday a struggle emotionally but little by little I am coping. Please anytime you want to talk please message day or night ( I still don't sleep very well) you are never alone. Take care.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am also feeling incredibly concerned about you and how you are feeling right now.

The suggestion made by [@Dubberley64]‍ to contact Citizens Advice is wise. If you've not had dealings with them in the past, they can arrange for you to have a meeting with someone you can discuss financial matters with.

None of what has happened is your fault, so please don't blame yourself.

The emotions you are experiencing as a result of your grief are overwhelming you, which is completely understandable. It's good that you have felt able to talk about it on here, and I hope that in some way it has helped. We are all different, and all have different coping mechanisms. Talking things out of my system is mine. Although I've only been using this forum a handful of days, I have quickly come to learn that there is always someone willing to lend a listening ear, and if needed offer advice.

Having been through the process myself, I know the waiting lists for a referral from GP for counselling can be lengthy, but it might be worth seeing if you can get a referral for bereavement counselling if you feel that it's all getting a bit too much for you. You will never truly get over the loss of your mother, but a professionally trained counsellor can help to make the grief slightly more bearable. x

Hi Vicki,

My sincere condolences on the loss of your mum. My mum died of secondary cancer 21 years ago and I still miss her every day. The only consolation I can offer is that with time you learn to cope with your loss and begin to come to terms with it.

Losing your mum is always difficult, as she has been in your life from day 1. Can I ask your age?

I lost my mum-in-law on Sunday. People make jokes about mothers-in-law, but I could never do that. She had 3 sons and my husband was the first to get married. She welcomed me into the family, as she did with her other son's wives. She always told us that we were the daughters she never had. We nursed her at home for some years and it has taken a few days to get her hospital bed returned. My father-in-law who is 97 and has been caring for her for 80 years, lives in sheltered housing and looking at that empty bed was sole destroying.

You mention that your operation caused you to miss being with your mum at the end. I cannot find your other thread, which possibly explains this in more detail. Don’t chastise yourself for not being by her side. People often find a little slot in which to leave us, when there are no relatives or friends around. By the sounds of things, you were there when she needed you. I know that you were her carer, but do you have any other family to help support you and to arrange your mum’s funeral? It does help if you have someone who you can talk openly to about how you feel. It also helps to have someone to share the burden with.

From the day I lost my mum, I have always tried to do things in life that would have made her proud. My family have all done the same. When we have had achievements or on special family occasions, I can always feel her presence and that gives me the will to carry on. It is early days for you, but perhaps you could try something like this too?

You mention that you will lose your mum’s benefits and that this will cause you hardship. Your local  Citizens’Advice Centre should be able to help you with this. I don’t know your circumstances, but you may be due some benefits for yourself.

There are plenty of interesting things that you can participate in within your local community. Some of these are free. This will get you out and meeting people, which is better for you than staying cooped up at home and seeing nobody. Volunteering in a charity shop also gets you out and about.

This doesn’t help with when you come home at night to an empty house and a solitary meal. If you are making the effort to get out and about, you will find new friends. Invite them home for a meal and then they can reciprocate your invitation. Nothing happens quickly. The first year is the worst as you compare all the anniversaries, birthdays and holidays of previous years.

You really have to make the effort to find things to look forward to again. I keep a photo of my mum in my living room and often talk quietly to her as I pass it. I have found this a great solace.

Have you considered seeing a counsellor? This can be helpful. It is a busy service, so you may have to wait for an appointment. Superhero-daughter mentioned the availability of this service through the NHS, but there are charities who also offer this service and some of their waiting lists are not as long. (Macmillan, Marie Curie, Cruse, Maggie’s Centre, The Haven, Supportline, Bereavement Trust and Helpline are a few and most of their counselling services are free). There are also self-help groups who concentrate on workshops or group meetings aimed at helping you to look forward to life, as opposed to being stuck in the past (Moving Forward). Don’t look on needing to seek help from a counsellor as an admission of weakness. It is an admission of your strength to know when you need to seek help.

I note that you say that you want to die to be with her. I hope that this is just your grief talking and that you have no intention of doing this. If you are serious, please call the Samaritans immediately.

Please excuse the lengthy advice - I hope that some of these will be of help to you.

Please keep in touch. You will probably find writing down how you feel cathartic. Remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Vicki, 

Im not going to apologise or ask if you’re okay because since my mother passed on Thursday (27th) these are the two things which have upset me the most. I know what pain you’re going through and how sh*t you’re feeling. How even in a room of people you feel alone. 

Im glad everything you see, eat and do reminds you of her because this way you’ll never forget her!

If I do know one thing for sure - Nothing is your fault and you should not feel guilty. Your own surgery is not the reason your mum has passed. 

I wish you all the best going forward!

J x

Hi JaRule,

I am so sorry to hear that your mum has passed. My sincere condolences to you and your family.

We are always here whenever you need us.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hello, sorry for your loss. 

I lost my mum in January and I still can’t believe she’s gone. 

Ive avoided thinking about it, and turned to drink to get myself to sleep at nights. I’m 21, she was 50. 

Just me and my siblings living in that house, are youngest sister is 12. We don’t speak about it. 

Its a never ending nightmare, unless you’ve gone through it no one understands which makes it so fustrating, the pain is always here with me. 

God needed another angel I guess! 

Hello Pvnf,

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mum in January and that you are still having difficulty in accepting her passing. It sounds as if you have taken on a lot of responsibility for your siblings.This is a lot to cope with when you are only 21.

We all grieve in different ways and for different lengths of time. Have you all thought about seeing a bereavement counsellor?  You might find that this would help you to open up to one another. Not speaking about it doesn't really help matters. You would probably find it easier if you could all talk about her fondly, remembering things that she said or did.

There are many charities that offer this service for free. The NHS does too, but you may need to wait longer from referral, as it is a well used service.

You will probably never get over the loss of your mum, but you will come to accept it. I lost my own mum to cancer 21 years ago and I still miss her every day, but I can now remember her with a smile, knowing that she is no longer suffering and in pain.

Do you have any other family or friends to support you? This is an awful lot to take on without some help.

I do sincerely hope that you gradually begin to come to terms with your loss and that you will eventually be able to look to the future.In the meantime, I offer my sincer condolences to you and your siblings.

We are always here for you whenever you want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx