Hi guys, 

I’m 32 years old and lost my Mum on the 3rd of June 2018 who was only 64 years old and still working and was very active; to metastatic inflammatory breast cancer, that was only diagnosed officially on the 18th of May 2018. Me and my mum found out that 'inflammatory breast cancer' was very rare but very aggressive.

I took her to every scan and every appointment as any doting son would.   

I lived with her for 28 years and was her only child. My parents split up when I was very young, so growing up apart from seeing my dad at weekends, it was just me and my Mum in our home and we had a very special bond and even after moving out four years ago with my girlfriend, I would call into see her every night on my way home from work. 

I would take her out for breakfast and lunch dates at weekends when we were both free and I miss her so much it physically hurts. 

My Nanar, my mum's-mum who was still alive and 87 years old, then also passed away only six weeks after my mum passed away. 

I have really struggled with her loss and feel very bitter, angry, traumatized that she was taken so early when she had potentially another 20+ years left and had so much life left. She had not even qualified for her state pension. 

The day after her funeral, we found out that my long-term girlfriend was pregnant and although I have always wanted children, I have really struggled with it; but only in the sense that my beautiful Mum won’t be here with me to share it and experience the joys of it.

We have found out that we are having a baby girl and the due date is two days before my mums birthday; which will only be eight months after she passed away. 

Just feel so empty and lonely without my mum who was the only person to ever be there for me, every day and love me unconditionally. 

I have started to go to see a bereavement councilor but as yet have only had one session due to waiting lists.  

I feel devastated and so sad that my mum was taken so aggressively and quickly that I almost didn’t get chance to even say goodbye really, as it was all so sudden and never had the time to process that she had breast cancer, never mind that it had already spread to her liver and bones and that it was terminal. 

Within a few days after her terminal diagnosis, she had kidney failure due to high levels of calcium levels (which she overcome) and then contracted Pneumonia in hospital and passed away.

I miss her so much and everyday it seems to be getting worse and not any easier.  

And the baby that is due is wonderful but it’s like I can’t embrace it and ‘enjoy’ it because my mum's not here to see it all unfold and that is the hardest part of loosing her and is what I said at her funeral before I knew my partner was pregnant, that never making her a Grandmother, her never see me become a dad. As my mum meant everything to me and more. 

I have decided to join and post on the forum as it may resonate with someone who is, or has gone through the same trauma. 

Life can be very cruel! All I have ever needed in my life was my mum and now she is gone and with no siblings to share the pain it is hard. 

I’m sending my best wishes and thoughts to anyone that is dealing with the loss of a beloved parent. X