13/9/16 was the day I questioned everything. Why live to her so close all these years? Why involve her so much in my adult years? Was I a fool? Why didn’t I think? Look what I lost? Have I made this more painful than it should have been ? Well of course the answer was yes. Then came the doubt.....
should I have stopped her giving up chemo? Should I have got her that last course of antibiotics? Should I not have requested that syringe driver? Should I have given up work to be at every appointment. Should I have moved in? Should I have moved her in? Should I have asked to see more scans! Looked at results, insisted on surgery? Kept an eye on her health more!!
then came the sadness
i want my mother back, it’s not fair, she was only 74, I miss her, she didn’t deserve this, I didn’t deserve this, nothing makes me feel ok, nothing makes me feel happy,
on 13/9/18 it will be two years. I promised my mother I would be strong,become the Matrirch of the family she had been. I am trying very hard to keep that promise. I still talk to her -some days-while driving my car or looking at a robin on the fence. I tell my self when looking at a lovely horizon that “she is just over there waiting” sometimes I can feel one or two hands on my shoulders. At times I sIt still to see if I can feel a hand on my shoulder. I have had one dream since she left where I walked in her kitchen and she was cooking something. We both acknowledged the reality of it and hugged. I have had a few dreams where she has been just there and woken feeling pleased she was in another one.
At first you cry all the time, then less and less. People tell you it gets easier. This isn’t quite right Although I can see how it’s worded that way. It gets less hard if that makes sense? Less hard to do things, less hard to think of her,less hard to enjoy a moment, less hard to feel the loss at a family event.
On the 13/9/18 it will be two years since she left and although the t,h,j and y on the keyboard are all spotted with emotion, I am going to wipe them away, dry my eyes and be the mother to my children that she was x
