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Approaching a big birthday 5months after losing mum

Kirst78
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Hi everyone I posted on here back in April just after I lost my mum to bowel cancer suddenly. Fast forward to now and I had been doing OK back at work, getting on with family life, looking after my dad, holidays etc along with a cry along on the way.

Anyway I was her youngest child and my children were her youngest grand children and we were probably the closest to her. She looked after my children until she feel ill. It is my 40th birthday on Thursday and Im starting to feel really nervous and anxious about it. Couldn't care less about the age thing it's my mum not being here even though she didn't make a fuss on birthdays or anything. It was just a card with a bit of money in so why do I feel like like this. I'm dreading going to work that day as I know they will have a collection for me and they will want to gather round to give it to me which I am extremely grateful for but think I will break down in floods of tears? Any advice?? 

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    I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your Mum and send so much love and strength. I guess it's the milestone/big events that you'd normally share with the person you've lost that trip you up in 'doing ok' (I find myself telling people I'm "doing ok" a lot!) I don't really have any gems of advice for you sorry - just that maybe you could speak to a colleague you're close to at work and request that you don't get the big birthday presentation thing - they do that where I work and I can imagine your dread of the moment! Ask them to ensure it doesn't happen, or, if there is a collection, any gift is given to you quietly without flamboyance. Make sure it's clear why - that you're feeling emotional about your first birthday after your mother recently died - just to be sure they don't think your just being coy. I'm sure others will fully understand, and those that don't sadly will do one day. If you were to simply not go in on the day, it would just happen the next day unfortunately! 

    I hope you can enjoy your birthday with your family and friends. You Mum will be there with you my lovely, for she's in your heart xxx

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    Hi Kirst. I can relate. My mum passed away in May, and I am turning 42 tomorrow. I started dreading this birthday a few weeks ago, it being my first birthday without her. I normally do brunch get togethers with friends, but this year I couldn't. I went away for a night in the mountains with my boyfriend. Just a quiet getaway where I could just focus on the things I love best. Being with my wonderful boyfriend, going for hikes in the mountains, relaxing in hot tubs, meals out etc. It's the only way I could have gotten through this weekend. Trying to be cheerful in front of friends was not an option this year. I was on the verge of tears several times over the weekend. But I had to force myself to stop. My mum loved it when I'd tell her about my little trips away. I knew she'd want me to just enjoy the weekend. So I did. Tomorrow will be the hardest I think, it being my actual birthday, with no phone call from her. 

    All I can say is, try to just be there for yourself. It's the one day of the year you get to be selfish, and let it all be about you! Spring82 has great advice about what to do in the office. They'll understand you are struggling. I think personally if it was me I'd take some time off work to just avoid the whole thing...but that's the sort of person I am. 

    Sending kind wishes and strength your way.

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    Hi there so sorry your struggling as i think many do .ime much older ime a guy but ive noticed that anywhere i have to go that relates to my partner liz . about three or four days before i start to feel anxiouse i might even get physical symptoms.but ive now realised if i go it dosnt happen the next time i do it . I would go to work except the gift have a massive blub because after you may feel so much better because i find avoiding a date the date comes next year and you end up repeating it year after year your work friends will understand and how lovely that they do that of course thats what i have done it and it doesnt hurt next time or not nearly as much . Regards paul

  • Offline in reply to Paulus

    Aww thank you to you all for your kind advice and words it means a lot. Think I will just see how I feel on the day and take it from there I will let you know! I just don't want people to feel I'm ungrateful.

    Fast forward to the weekend and we all have arranged a family meal to celebrate my birthday obviously minus my mum but she will be there in spirit of course it will be hard for us all especially my dad but we will get through it and hopefully as time passes it will get easier.

    Lots of love to you all Kirsty x

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