Hi there QueenTra; welcome.  This forum is great - it is so good to know that you are not the only person who has been through this and here people feel able to let out their deepest thoughts and know that they will be understood.  I started posting here some months ago - over the years I have lost too many family and friends to cancer.  It is just nice to know that you are not the only person suffering in this way here so please do talk about the details of your sorrow if it helps you.   Life can be so very hard sometimes and we should and can be there for each other.  It is also reassuring to know that in this world which seems to be full of bad news and terrible events there are in fact so many good people around who want to make the world a better and easier place for each other.  Annie 

Hi QueenTra, I have just read your post and thought I would reply, I only started posting on here 2 days ago after struggling with the loss of my husband on the 29th July this year. It is a month today and I picked his ashes up yesterday so he is now back home with me. This was never expected with a very short and quick metastatic pancreatic cancer diagnosis, we had so many plans, just celebrated my 50th in June and we were both off to Florida next month as a joint 5oth celebration. To say i’m lost, in pain, inconsolable and still in deep shock is just a few of the things I am feeling! My husband was an amazing hard working, well respected, thoughtful, loving and gentle man. Many said he was one of the best gentleman they had ever met. I feel very lucky to have spent 31 years together, 30 years of marriage would have been celebrated next year. And in many ways I am the most unluckiest person as I have lost the love of my life to such a cruel disease. I don’t how i’m going to get through the rest of my life without him, people look at me and say how brave and strong I seem, but little do they know i’m crying every morning, every evening and in between. The pain in my heart is constant!  I know by your post you are feeling the same and I was hoping I may feel a little better in time, but from your posting it is clear it doesn’t! I wanted you to know i am thinking of you and hope together we survive on our good memories of our husbands. Debbie51.xxxx

Hi Annieliz thanks for replying it was comforting to read. Being able to read others' experiences and talk freely is somehow so comforting. I've recommended this forum which I basically stumbled upon one night in my sorrow searching for an outlet.

Loss is hard to explain to those who've never really experienced it and I remember being on that side of the fence before. Now it's all I think about. Even though friends say call whenever you need to I am uncomfortable doing so because it still seems so unreal and although they may not feel so, I feel as if I'm stressing them constantly talking about my husband's illness and passing so I don't.

Hopefully we will emerge stronger after such sorrowful experiences as we who go through it comfort and strengthen each other with God's help.

Hey Debbie51

Amazingly as much as I still mourn and ache for my husband I also feel peaceful and stable now. 

Unfortunately for me I only had a few years with my husband and we were not married very long either in fact he passed away almost 2 months before our second anniversary. I do have lots of pictures and a few videos and voice clips that I made months before and I look at and listen to those all the time. Some days I just need to hear his voice and I'm so happy I have these things, thank God for technology!

It gets a bit easier to accept as the days go by but I still count the weeks and months over and over. In the immediate aftermath everything goes very slowly and seems dreamlike so it's just enough to move from one task to another but now I find I can cope a lot better and eventually you will too. I cried in private every day, morning, afternoon, evening and night. Still do on many days. Keep remembering him and do whatever feels right for you.

Hugs xo

Hey out there. Just feeling the overwhelming need to post although I come in often and read I somehow haven't been able to post. This month is one year my husband passed away and I can't believe I'm still so much in love with him as if he was still alive. I have to maintain a calm external appearance for my child's sake and for work purposes but I'm still crushed that he's gone and I have to live without him every day. I try to appreciate my life and enjoy the daily interactions with everyone in my path but he's always on my mind and I miss him deeply. Yes the grieving has abated somewhat and the tears have lessened but my heart still hurts. I remain hopeful and trusting in faith.

Here's to all of us mourners...

xoxo QueenTra 

Hi to everyone on here, 

I too haven’t been on here for a while as I have struggled to put my feelings down and didn’t want to upset anyone any more than they already are!

I have just gone through my husbands 1st birthday without him this weekend and thought I would try and keep busy and cook myself and my son a nice breakfast, it turned out to be not so nice as we argued on the day of his birthday. This I know is not what my husband would have wanted which makes it more upsetting. All my emotions and also anger for the first time came out all in the wrong way, something I couldn’t control. Instead of spoiling my husband with a beautiful card, a few gifts a lovely kiss in the morning, I found myself putting a memory card and a bunch of roses in a vase!! I still can not come to terms with him not being here.

I have good friends and family but my husband has been the one person who listened, cared, supported and showered me with real and I miss him so so much. When your heart gets broken it never heals, I will be coming up to what would have been our 30th wedding anniversary next month and also my birthday the day after, this was always a lovely double celebration for me. Then it will be the 1st anniversary of his passing on the 29th July.

Iam really struggling with not knowing where my life goes from here without him as I don’t want anything else but him. He truly made my life whole and I long for the day to be back with him. So sorry to go on, but as we all know this is such a hard and lonely road we are on and we all want it to stop.

My heart and thoughts go out to you all.

Debbie51xxx

It's another year, at least I've stopped counting weeks and months now. This is year 2 and although I still miss my lover so much I am coping a lot better despite the constant dull pain in my heart that longs for him I know he's not coming back. I came on this forum feeling sorry for myself then saw a post with a young man suffering tremendously and it quickly shook me out of that self-pity and introspection. I'm so pained by that post it made me thankful to be 2 years further down the road and I hope and pray he makes it through not without scars because we all wear them, but with a sound mind and strong resolve.