Hi Miz  ... and welcome ...

Everyone grieves differently , there's no right or wrong way to grieve ...  those things your feeling are your brain trying to make some sense of things, as you've never lost anyone close ... it doesn't know what you should feel or do ... nearly everyone goes through different stages at different times .. 

Numbness is often there after .. a feeling like they are still here and wer just dreaming ... and someone will say it's o.k you just had a nightmare ... emotions that take over when you least expect them... like a rollercoaster of emotion .. over the years and after loosing so many I love, i know we have to go through and have those feelings ... knowing it's a part of loving someone ... but getting it in balance ... after you let it all out, doing other stuff to take your mind in another direction... 

But that first year is the hardest ... but try and recall the good memories ... that was your dad ... and know he saved you from having to see him so I'll, and he didnt want you to have that in your head as well... he was thinking of you all, even thinking not going to the funerall would save your pain .. he didnt realise we need the funeral .. to say good bye ... we need that .. but when you have a little get together with the rest of his family... you could do a little service for each other where you could all say something ... l think that will help you ...  so take care of your heart ... and know he still lives in your heart ... no one can take that away ...  Chrissie x

Hi cant say much but guilt goes with grief but its called false guilt you did what he wished you to do so why feel guilt .if you want google false guilt it explains it all if you had been there you would have blamed yourself for something else its how it is but you will get there .regards p