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Mum with poor prognosis - don't know what to do

Tryingsohard
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Hello everyone,

First time poster - im not sure where to start but i am having trouble coping with my mum's diagnosis. She is 69 and has unidentified primary cancer somewhere in the upper gi area. She has a very swollen tummy with fluid and she is in so much pain and discomfort. I live about 200 miles away, have two small children and desperately want to help. I want to make everything better, I want to wake up and it all go away. I can't imagine life without her, I have been able to hide it mostly at work and around the kids, and on the phone to her of course but I feel like I'm dying inside. 

The oncologist said it could be anything from weeks to 6 months, depending on whether she can bring her protein level back up from dangerously low. They have sent her home with a pack of protein drinks and though I am one of four siblings, three of whom are in her town and go in every day, i feel like she has been written off. She has felt unwell for a while but she never imagined cancer - she was in hospital for two weeks before the diagnosis, and then she was sent home with chemo tablets. 

I want to actually help, not boss her around or take her independence. I don't want to irritate her (so much pain makes her snappy) but I so desperately want to gather her up and make her well again, like she did for me when I was small. Like she has always done for me, even since I've been grown. She was there through everything for me, I want to be there for her. I don't know what to do, I do my best but I feel so helpless and inadequate. It's like this has taken away my ability to feel anything other than this pain. And I want to be brave but for the first time in my life I don't know how. I'd be willing to.move down there and take care of her 24/7 but she won't hear of it and the idea upsets her so I can't press it. She won't come to live with me here either.  Cancer is robbing her of the life she should have had - she wanted to see the grandchildren grow up, its all she wanted and she cant have it. 

Sorry if that all doesnt really go anywhere or make sense. I'm not sure what I'm doing at the moment. I'm scared I will break and leave my boys without a mum too.

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    Hi there, what a rough time in your life! 

    I know geographical distance makes things trickier. My sister was nearby to dad when he was really ill. Okay, dying. She seemed to think I was the lucky one being three hours away. Yes, she had to handle things on a day to day basis, I tried hard to support both her and dad but she overlooked the challenge of not being able to pop in for an hour to see how he was.

    I'd suggest giving yourself time to adjust to the situation. You're probably still in shock at the news. Think about your own children. You may well say the same things to them that your mum is saying to you. And she means it, as you would. 

    Life does deal cruel blows sometimes. I'd bet anything that your mum would rather it was her dealing with cancer than you or your boys. You will cope. Trust me. 

    Take a deep breath. Let off steam here, or anywhere you find appropriate. You will survive this. You can't fix everything. But you can keep putting one foot in front of another.

    Regards, gamechanger

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    Hi i whatched my mum die it took 8 days .this is what i did with mum i asked eveyone if i could have a word with mum .i said how grateful i was for what she had done for me that i was sorry for any heartache or problems i caused growing up.and i told her i loved her .to a parent and ime one that means everything .she was a hard northern lady best she could say was i cared for you all that was the nearest thing she could get to saying love. But to me that was almost like absolution when she passed i felt grief and loss but no guilt. Ime a dad and i wouldnt want my daught to be driving miles and miles to come to see me. just when she could .when my liz died i felt same i did everything i could but the end was the same so .lizs daughter wasnt shure wether to let her daughter know i said yes if you dont it will be a bigger shock and it will make her feel as though she wasnt important enough to be told . This was only what i did to mum not advice .liz was my partner so ive been devistated by the emptyness and lonelyness .but its a diffrent grief .so all i can say is ime so sorry your having all this but cancer is the blame for everything no one else!! Be kind to youself to .your mums not alone she has family near dont beat yourself up with false guilt thats what it is false .at that distance and kids who would expect you to be there all the time if i was your dad i wouldnt it would make me more worried liz had c.u.p somtimes they cant find the primary sorry if my post seems a bit hard i dont mean to be .p

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