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Delayed grief or something else?

Gogsie
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Hi there,

This is my first post and to do this tells me I am desperate for advice. My mum died in February after a 3 year long illness where she was in and out of hospital, at crisis point each time. She always rallied round but it was always a case of waiting for the next attack to happen which left me in a constant state of fear. I couldn’t continue with my own family life the way I should have because I was always ‘on call’ and filled with dread.

My mums passing ended up being horrendous like something out of the Exorcist and I dealt with it like a trouper comforting all the relatives who were devastated and taking all the pressure of my dad where I could as he is in bad health himself. After she passed I felt a relief from the dread I had each day. I arranged everything funeral wise and was fine. I was so proud of myself for having it all together and felt like I was able to be like this because I had grieved for her while she was still alive. 

Four months on and we have just moved house. The minute I walked through the door I felt something in my stomach that has made it impossible for me to eat for the last five days since we moved in. I cannot stop crying, I am scared, I feel feeble and vulnerable and I wish I’d never moved. I want my safe haven back and the emotions I am feeling are crushing. I feel lost at sea. 

The house we have moved to is huge and imposing and I now realise that this is not ‘me’. I am a council estate girl from humble but perfect beginnings and don’t want for much. My partners business has taken off and so we could afford to buy this place so I know we are lucky but I just need and want my safe haven semi detached place back. 

Are my negative feelings towards the house real or is it delayed grief finally calling on me? I cry in front of people I wouldn’t normally dream of. I feel I am being assaulted by every unwelcome emotion possible and I’ve no inclination to do anything. No decorating or even cooking tea for my children. Please be honest with me I need all the help I can get and I thank you in advance for reading my ramblings.

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    Oh Gogsie, you've been through so much! For what it's worth, I think it probably is delayed grief. Everything's been held back for a while, now the dam has burst.

    Moving house is way up high on stress ratings. I guess you've been pretty busy sorting things for the move. You're a coper, you have coped. But even copers hit a point when there's nothing left to give. It's time for someone else to take the strain.

    Look at the familiar things you have around you, favourite bits and bobs, comfy clothes, family, pictures. Maybe pets? The new house will feel like yours soon.  

    Do your best to eat something, a small bowl of soup or a bit of toast maybe. Just start somewhere, you're running on empty.

    Sometimes events like moving house or getting married seem like a massive anti-climax. Everythings been geared up for the big day....then what? Maybe wanting the old house back is symbolic, wanting to turn the clock back.

    You will find a way forward. I know everything seems awful right now, but you will come to terms with what you've been through. 

    Take care.

    Regards, gamechanger

  • Offline in reply to gamechanger

    Thank you so much for your kind words game changer. I feel comforted just knowing people like you are out there to offer a glimmer of hope xx

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    Hi i had similer with my partner liz had so many underling conditions and is was so busy i was running on adrenalin for three years keeping up brave face for her her daughter and grandaughter when liz finaly passed she had first chemo monday major stroke friday and contracted sepsis and passed early sunday morning.it was awfull but then bang no adrenalin to keep me going it flattend me .i have to force myself to go out as it feels safe .and ime a 64 year old man.so just take one hour at a time and be kind to yourself and sounds like you were wonderfull try and enjoy making your new house a home lady's seem so good at it we men are rubbish best wishs .p

  • Offline in reply to Gogsie

    Gogsie, I understand being the one who copes with everything. That's me. I don't like to ask for help, or cry in front of people. It's not who I am. 

    Life has taught me a few tough lessons along the way. Like, not everyone will understand. Not to expect too much of people. And that I should have cut loose some people sooner, even if they are, in name, close relatives.

    Just now I know I need help myself, so I'm going to deal with that.

    Excuse me, I 've had a brandy... I have dealt with an encounter with cancer myself the last few months. Just when I was back on my feet, my husband went for a routine op, and ended up having a stroke when the op went squiffy. He is recovering with much effort, and much love. 

    I have found comfort in unexpected places. Kindness, generosity of spirit, unexpected gestures. Things that bring tears to my eyes. It's there if you look for it.

    Keep on keeping on. 

    Thanks for listening,

    Regards, gamechanger

  • Offline in reply to Paulus

    Paulus I am so sorry for your loss; I feel for you desperately. I felt exactly the same about wanting to stay in while my mum was ill. She’d come out of hospital and once she was home and she was settled I’d have to stay home for a few days to ‘recover’. It was as if while I was home I was safe and nothing could get me. If I didn’t see or hear from anyone I would have a day or twos respite. Here in this sprawling house I feel lost and I hate having so cosy place to be. Like you said yourself we’re normally pretty good at making things nice but until the inclination comes I will still feel not myself which is worrying. I worry I will never settle in a place that’s so foreign to the place I grew up.

    But all that’s rubbish compared to what you’ve been through. I truly hope you are doing ok and I feel relieved that I’ve found this outlet with som many like minded people willing to take the time to offer us comfort so let’s make the most of it all of u x

  • Offline in reply to gamechanger

    Please pass on my best wishes to your husband and I hope you both continue with your recoveries. And yet you’re still here comforting me? Thank you so much xx

  • Offline in reply to Gogsie

    Thanks i lost mum to years ago now.but you will get there your feeling lost at moment its horrid i know but sounds like your a pretty strong lady lots of great things ahead just be kind to yourself do your new home when your ready so long as you all have something to sit on and a kettle everything else will come soon your new home will be exacley that a home !.best wishs .p

  • Offline in reply to Paulus

    Thank you Paulus you’ve been so kind x

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    So sorry to hear about your terrible loss. I can only go off my own experience and hope that it may help. I was the main carer for my dad when he was very ill and felt an overwhelming pressure and dread during his last 12 months. I felt guilt at not spending as much time as possible with him whilst he was ill (although I was there 4 or 5 nights a week) but then I felt guilt at not spending time with my young son and partner. She tried to be supportive but it made things incredibly strained too. When my dad died last year I was amazed at how well I coped at first. It was probably around 3 months after that it hit me like a tonne of bricks and I had to spend 2 weeks off work (Im the kind of person who is never off). My partner went through the motions of supporting me but we had grown distant and got lost in it all and seperated soon after.  Im rambling a bit but I guess Im trying to say its normal. Im now getting better slowly and on friendly terms with my ex and looking forward again. Nothing sparked my grief after 3 months so I guess its not unusual for it to be delayed  x

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