A month ago my dear dad who was 70 lost his battle with lung cancer after a 16 month battle. In the end after multiple trips to the hospital since Christmas he finally passed away from pneumonia. We were called into the hospital early on a Tuesday morning to see my dad, my amazing and strong and intelligent dad talking nonsense as he couldn’t maintain his oxygen. The nurse replaced his face mask with a nose piece and I held his hand whilst he died, until water pooled out of his face, until his body went cold, I don’t think I will ever be able to stop re-living this hour again and the final look on his face as he gasped for air.
My life is, was, so intertwined with my dads, I don’t know how to carry on without him. I saw him almost everyday and chatted on the phone all day long, sending msgs to each other. I stayed with him in hospital, took him to appointments and chemo, anything I could do for him. Even before the cancer we spent so much time together. And now he has gone and so has part of me, I feel disconnected, I just can’t comprehend a life without him for the rest of my life, I’m only 35. I don’t understand why he got lung cancer, he didn’t smoke, was very healthy, he loved being alive, he so terribly wanted to live and it kills me a little every time I think how sad he would be to not be here. He is missing out on everything, especially my 2 year old daughter who he loved dearly, and so are we! The past 16 months have been a blur, I can’t even remember the funeral we had Monday. I can’t really remember him sick now, I feel like I’ve jumped back to 16 months ago and I’m mourning him being well even tho I’ve cried for him for months and months, I lost my dad a long time ago, I’m very confused.
My heart is broken for him, my body is hurting and my mind is stuck on repeat. I didn’t want him to carry on living with cancer, he didn’t deal with it well, but I want him back, it feels so wrong to go on without him. I don’t want this.
