I lost my mum 24/4/18 after a short battle with cervical cancer. The last 4 months have been awful watching her suffering and in so much pain. She wanted to live so much. Died 3 weeks after her grandson was born which makes it even worse for me. I just want my mum back so badly and i dont know what to do anymore. I thought i was doing ok but now the funeral is booked it all feels real. I just keep thinking its all a bad dream and im going to wake up. I dont even know how im feeling anymore, im angry, upset, relieved. Everything is just a haze and i feel like im losing the plot. What did you all do to stop feeling like this? How long does it last? 

Hello lowriallys.  So sorry that you are suffering but it is sadly an entirely normal thing to have to go through.  The funeral is always a frightening thing to face but afterwards it is a relief to have marked a loved one's passing in this way.  I am attaching some information from this website about grief which may be helpful but - as the information states - grief can come and go for a long time.  It is many years now since my parents died but I still dream about them sometimes.  And of course they will always be a big part of my life.

It is lovely that your mum saw her grandson before she died and she would surely cherish being able to do this.  After my mum died I realised how she must have grieved for her own mother (my Nana) but still managed to move forward to care for her family and assimilate her grief into her everyday living and that I would surely one day be able to do the same - which I did.  But it is a slow gradual process and of course it is very raw and painful for you at the moment.  While we know logically that we are likely to lose our parents there is no way to prepare for it and even with this knowledge we don't realise how it will hit us.

I hope you are able to talk to family and friends who are sympathetic.  The process you are going through is sadly normal and so many of us here have had to go through it - but have survived even though a part of us is always missing.  It will take time.  Annie

about-cancer.cancerresearchuk.org/.../coping-with-grief

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