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Just lost my mum

Sim1976
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Mum passed away on Thursday in a Marie Curie hospice. It was only meant to be a respite stop over before going home but the cancer in her bowel spread. It’s been a horrendous time and feels like it was a bad nightmare. I can’t believe my mum’s really gone. For the last two days she was given large amounts of pain relief as she was in real agony and was heavily sedated as she suffered from terminal agitation. She seemed almost unconscious as she was unable to move or speak but was able to hear. This was most distressing to see. However, I’m trying to remind myself that the pain was eventually controlled which is so important. But I didn’t even get the chance of a final proper conversation with her. 

I feel cheated that it came too quickly despite the prognosis of 7-8 months in the New Year. I also feel terrible that we weren’t able to bring her home as she wanted and we had planned, but her condition deteriorated before we could. It’s all a real shock and I think it’s going to take a while to accept how this happened. No one prepared me for how very brutal it would be.

 

i just can’t get the image of what she looked like out of my head. My poor mum.  I’m even questioning the whole sedation situation. 

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    I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mum 7th March. She died suddenly in the night and I found her in the morning. If we’d had any idea her passing was imminent someone would have stayed with her (she lived alone). Now Im haunted by the image of her. One thing I will say is that when someone passes away at home the process is quite traumatic. I phoned the paramedics who came then got the police out as it’s protocol to check for no suspicious circumstances. Then you wait for your doctor to come then the undertakers. This took 7 hours. So maybe passing away in a hospice is more peaceful? I don’t know.

    Sending hugs. It’s so hard. You’re in shock for so long and the sadness comes and goes, often when you least expect it.xxx

  • Offline in reply to Heyjude

    Heyjude, I’m so sorry for your loss too. That is a very traumatic experience. I’m sure you must be reliving that a lot. I think that I expected the hospice to be a more peaceful place than it turned out to be. She was worked up and in agony  only sedation helped  but then she was unable to communicate, eyes roles back etc  when she passed she suddenly ‘woke up’ and looked in agony. Can’t get that out of my mind  

     

    I lost my son 5 years ago. It was so very hard. I know that the shock takes a long time to wear off, and even to this day, I still grieve for him. It never goes away; you just learn to cope I guess. I know I will in time. Just feel so lonely right now. 

     

    I hope the coming days days are gentle to you. Xx

  • Offline in reply to Sim1976
    Oh I’m so sorry you saw that. Like me, you’ve seen an image you don’t know how to process. I saw my doctor this morning and she’s referred me for counselling as I can’t sleep as I replay that morning over and over in my mind. Maybe you could see your doctor too? I’m so sorry you’ve lost your son too. Look after yourself, you’ve been through a lot. Xxx
  • Offline in reply to Heyjude

    Hi, 

    sorry for your loss , I know how you feel . My Mum passed away at 7am this morning after a diagnosis just 8 days ago . Mum had been ill for 12 months with lung/ heart problems but only after a ct scan on 22/3 did they discover multiple cancers last Tuesday . Having cared for her daily for that year I feel an overwhelming sense of grief and  loss . I just don’t know what to do with myself  and just want to shrivel up and cry . I’ve never felt pain  like this . We can’t get a date for her funeral until May 9th which seems ages away . I sat with Mum from 7 am until 10.30 pm in hospital yesterday but why do we still not say all the things we want to until those last moments when I’m not sure she would have been conscious enough . Never felt pain like this , my heart is breaking . 

  • Offline in reply to JoJoD1412
    I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s an awful shock isn’t it. We had no indication mum was about to pass. She had a haemorrhage at some point during the night. If we’d known, my sister or I would have stayed with her. Like you, we never got to tell her we loved her. I hope she knew. Take care, sending hugs Xxx
  • Offline in reply to Heyjude

    I think counselling is a really good idea. Thankfully I still have a counselor since I lost my son. It helps. It just takes time. I get the flashbacks too. Caused by trauma I was told. 

     

    Im so sorry for your loss JoJo. I was stunned at how quickly it seemed to develop happen too. Nothing prepared me for not only how brutal it was but also the quickness. The idea of not telling them you love them really does hurt. I think our mum’s knew though. I’m sure they did.  

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