I feel your pain. My mum passed suddenly on 7th March. She’d been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer 2 years ago and had lost a lot of weight and was bedridden after an op end of Jan. She had no energy and continued to lose weight. I found her passed away in her bed when I went to give her her breakfast before I went to work. She had had a gastrointestinal haemorrhage so blood was coming out her nose. Because she died at home we had to get paramedics out then the police came to check there were no suspicious circumstances then the doctor (4 hours after I found her) then the undertakers 8 hours later. In that time her body deteriorated and that image haunts me.

I’m told it will fade in time but it still keeps me awake at night. I don’t know if she suffered as she lived alone and died during the night. I try to think of her being happy and healthy. I tell my 5-year old daughter about times she spent with gran at the park and that helps. I’ve also started a memory box. 

Sending hugs

xxx

Hi Mols,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum's passing and offer my sincere sympathy to you and your family.I lost my mum in similar circumstances and had to keep going to arrange her funeral and cater for people coming back to her house after the funeral.

It took a long time for the memory of how she was at the end to dim and fonder memories of times before then to come to the fore.

Like you I just kept going on autopilot. We all have differentcoping strategies. Do you really feel that you are doing your mum an injustice by not being a mess? I think that you are doing exactly the opposite. I am sure that she would be so proud of you, seeing you holding the family together.

I did genuinely get a lot of comfort from the fact that she was no longer in pain and suffering after she died. I am currently nursing my mum-in-law with the help of the palliative care carers and nurses. We have her in a hospital bed at home. Fortunately, she doesn't have cancer, but heart trouble and dementia, but it is still so sad to be going through this process all over again. One good thing in this case is that she is in no pain whatsoever.

I am thinking of you all and hope that you get the strength to get through this terrible stage.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Heyjude,

I am so sorry to hear that you are in the same position as Mols. You must have got an awful shock when you found your mum - that must be a very difficult picture to eradicate. I offer my sincere sympathy to you and your family on your loss.

You seem to have had an inordinate wait for Police, GP and undertaker to arrive once you found your mum and I can fully understand how that final picture of her haunts you still.

It took me a couple of years to fully come to terms with the loss of my mum, so it is early days for you still. People grieve in different ways and for different lengths of time.

A memory box is a great idea as your 5 year old daughter is old enough to remember her - just such a pity that she has lost her gran at such a tender age.

I am thinking of you and your family and believe that the best thing you can do is to live your life as your mum would have wanted you to. This gives you a goal and starts to put a more positive slant on things.

Wishing you the strength to get through this sad time.

We are always here for you if you need to talk.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx