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Mum’s passing

Mols
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My Mum passed away on the 17th March 2018,

She fought the most amazing battle but her passing & the last weeks of her life were traumatising for the family to see, she was in so much pain on so much medication (two medical drivers at max plus hourly breakthrough, anxiety meds the works, In fact Palliative Care said the medication my Mum was on would have her, myself, my sisters & my Dad on our backs) but there was our Mum still trying to get out the hospital bed, prior to her being at home my Mum was in the hospice for two weeks & we witnessed people passing, very peacefully & that was how I envisioned our Mum going but it was not to be her passing was horrendous.

We left the hospice full of laughter on the 23rd February, as my Mum had the most amazing sense of humour & had the paramedics in stitches but the weeks to follow were a living nightmare, our recently turned 60 year old beautiful Mum aged terribly & was in so much pain that we went from not being ready for her to leave us to actually begging her to let go! It was the worst experience of my life, of all our lives being helpless when our loved one was suffering so badly!

The day she passed at home she had a visit from her baby sister & her daughter (my mums niece & god-daughter) they left & then 40mins later she went surrounded by us, her three daughters & husband of 41years.

I think there is something wrong with me as I am obviously devastated but I feel calm about it & I feel like she is somewhere else not GONE for ever.....I have spoken with my sisters, my Dad & we all feel roughly the same way as if she is in hospice still, I can’t explain it!

At first I thought it was denial but now I’m not so sure!

I am trying to comfort myself with thinking that because of her horrible passing I am relieved she’s not suffering anymore but is it this? 

The last few days she was lifting her arm like she was cuddling & patting as if someone was there but nobody was, this was soothing/comforting her & I was putting this down to her loved ones (passed) reassuring her they were there & the day that she passed she had a single tear, that broke my heart but from that moment I went into auto pilot & didn’t really behave like I thought I would.

The funeral was the 28th of March & I was so worried as I thought I would breakdown then but it was a beautiful funeral like she would have wanted & I was emotional but not overly & I’m now feeling bad as I feel like I’m doing my mum an injustice with not being a mess!!

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    I feel your pain. My mum passed suddenly on 7th March. She’d been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer 2 years ago and had lost a lot of weight and was bedridden after an op end of Jan. She had no energy and continued to lose weight. I found her passed away in her bed when I went to give her her breakfast before I went to work. She had had a gastrointestinal haemorrhage so blood was coming out her nose. Because she died at home we had to get paramedics out then the police came to check there were no suspicious circumstances then the doctor (4 hours after I found her) then the undertakers 8 hours later. In that time her body deteriorated and that image haunts me.

    I’m told it will fade in time but it still keeps me awake at night. I don’t know if she suffered as she lived alone and died during the night. I try to think of her being happy and healthy. I tell my 5-year old daughter about times she spent with gran at the park and that helps. I’ve also started a memory box. 

    Sending hugs

    xxx

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    Hi Mols,

    I am so sorry to hear about your mum's passing and offer my sincere sympathy to you and your family.I lost my mum in similar circumstances and had to keep going to arrange her funeral and cater for people coming back to her house after the funeral.

    It took a long time for the memory of how she was at the end to dim and fonder memories of times before then to come to the fore.

    Like you I just kept going on autopilot. We all have differentcoping strategies. Do you really feel that you are doing your mum an injustice by not being a mess? I think that you are doing exactly the opposite. I am sure that she would be so proud of you, seeing you holding the family together.

    I did genuinely get a lot of comfort from the fact that she was no longer in pain and suffering after she died. I am currently nursing my mum-in-law with the help of the palliative care carers and nurses. We have her in a hospital bed at home. Fortunately, she doesn't have cancer, but heart trouble and dementia, but it is still so sad to be going through this process all over again. One good thing in this case is that she is in no pain whatsoever.

    I am thinking of you all and hope that you get the strength to get through this terrible stage.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Heyjude

     

    Heyjude,

    I am so sorry to hear that you are in the same position as Mols. You must have got an awful shock when you found your mum - that must be a very difficult picture to eradicate. I offer my sincere sympathy to you and your family on your loss.

    You seem to have had an inordinate wait for Police, GP and undertaker to arrive once you found your mum and I can fully understand how that final picture of her haunts you still.

    It took me a couple of years to fully come to terms with the loss of my mum, so it is early days for you still. People grieve in different ways and for different lengths of time.

    A memory box is a great idea as your 5 year old daughter is old enough to remember her - just such a pity that she has lost her gran at such a tender age.

    I am thinking of you and your family and believe that the best thing you can do is to live your life as your mum would have wanted you to. This gives you a goal and starts to put a more positive slant on things.

    Wishing you the strength to get through this sad time.

    We are always here for you if you need to talk.

    Kind regards,
    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine
    Thank you so much for your kind words Jolamine X

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