Dear Simon..I too go through all the feelings off loss you describe,my precious Marion passed away some 6 years ago now. Her admittance to hospital was for such a simple thing as a gallstone,but six weeks later after getting over Jaundice and enduring five operations she died from loss of blood on the sixth operation when an ulcer took her life. Some years before in the very same hospital and even the same ward my precious wee lass Cheryl also went to heaven she had a heart attack and her organs shut down ,so very young on herdeath at 32.  The hardest part also being the dates I lost my world forever my daughter passed away on the 20th Oct 2008 then my beloved Marion passed away on the exact same day and date October 2014.  I have a memorial page to my family all that I had and all I ever truly loved, Some days I just despair at why I am still here when always thinking the husband usually passes away first , now here I am alone with my family gone.    Google ..CHERYL McDonald Hamilton Muchloved    where my world ended.My stories are sadly all very upsetting but come from my heart..Dad. 

I don’t need this chat myself my son lost his wife on the 23 feb he’s been with her since he was 15 she died with pancreatic cancer he’s broken she did everything for him I think he needs someone to talk to I thought this chat line would help him thanks for listening 

If it helps I'm happy to talk. The 12 month anniversary has just passed for me, and with everything else going on in the world it just hammers it home how much I miss my wife., and how much I need her. Al

Hi Simon my wife of 26 years passed away on the 3rd April this year to metastatic pancreatic cancer we were told in January that she had a tumour and it was inoperable and that she could get chemotherapy to help.We honestly didn’t think that it could get any worse and solely relied on the experts to give us hope/help/answers and because the appointments were infrequent and biopsy results were not immediate we thought there was no cause for concern.How wrong could we have been Andrea who was only 49 years old appeared ok but she complained of pains in her stomach the Macmillan nurse wasn’t in any rush for treatment.But Andrea was admitted to hospital after feeling unwell.The Doctor told us because of the cancer there was a block on her bowel and that she would have an operation to try and unblock this to ease the discomfort.Andrea rang me the next day to ask me to come in early as she needed to see me.I duly did this still blissfully unaware of anything.Andrea told me to sit down and told me that an operation was not an option then my/our world would never be the same again.Andrea told me that she had been told that morning that she was terminal and given 6/8 weeks to live.But she was so calm she said she’d known this was going to be the outcome and that we should plan for the inevitable.How!!!! Had we gone from hope to hopelessness Andrea came home and was fitted with a morphine drive pump  I was given the emergency out of hours numbers for the district nurses and Marie curie nurses a service which we used most nights to  help with Andreas pain along with daily visits from them.Andrea then appeared “ok” but what we thought was ok was far from it.Andrea had an Ng tube fitted to drain the fluids from her stomach. I was out one morning collecting meds for her when the doctor rang to tell us that Andreas condition would be better managed in a hospice.I was allowed to sleep overnight in a chair next to her and go home the next morning to wash and get things together.Andreas meds’ were changed each day to manage sickness and pain.I told the doctors not to give me a timescale and that I would take it from day to day I preyed to god for extra time not years or months just extra weeks we aimed at Mother’s Day and got it we would go out in the grounds and chat I would push Andrea in her chariot and we would talk.Andrea said to me Ray how did we end up like this, I kissed her on her head and said I don’t know my pet.The next target was our 26th wedding anniversary on the 9th of April 2020 Andrea passed away on the 3rd a skeleton of a fine beautiful woman who didn’t know who I was towards the end.Because of the Coronavirus I was told I couldn’t visit but could say my last goodbyes to her on the Thursday morning.I rang the hospice to check on Andrea But was told she’s sleeping and may not wake up .The next night the phone rang to tell me my our world was shattered and life would never ever be good again.Im broken now and blame myself for Andreas death that bloody word death I hate that word.Be strong for the family Andrea said but how? Can I when I dread every morning waking up the loneliness is my torturer now and by god is he making me suffer

I am so sorry for your loss, my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October 2017, he was so looking forward to going away in the motorhome to France in September with myself and his friend but was advised not to go by his doctor due to secondary liver cancer diagnosis found at ultrasound scan. We didn't find out until October that it was primary pancreatic cancer, I looked up the diagnosis but he didn't. Throughout his chemotherapy he seemed to be doing well, he couldn't understand why he had been given a blue badge and felt he didn't deserve it. In October 2018 we were both in hospital together, him with so much pain in his back and myself with pneumonia, he came out of hospital before me and promised we would go out for a meal when he felt better. It was never to be, he was kept in hospital when he went in for chemo on November 15 due to the pain, we were told and thought he could have a nerve block for the pain but after the Ct scan on Nov 19th was told there was nothing they could do, he ended up having to have 2 syringe drivers one with ketamine just to try and stop the pain. He never made it past the 27th November, died on his sisters birthday, will never get over this

Thanks for reading my post I hope your pain of your loss ,forgive me what am I talking about I’m breaking our unwritten code of what not to say.From my own experience of loss there are times of the day I dread .The guilt I feel for not pursuing and beating on every door to get answers for Andrea but it happened so quick Andrea being not so bad one minute to being terminal the next and then just a blur ,but she told me well before we were told of the horrible news Andrea said to me this is my last Christmas with yous but whatever I’m facing I’ll fight it to the end.And if I need chemo I’m cutting my hair well before it drops out and Im picking my own groovy bandana s she also said I’m not getting like my mam was I’ll take my own life rather than suffer like she did.Well my sweet and beautiful wife cancer the murderous selfish pig it is pulled all the strings and it dictated it’s murderous plan for you.When we were told of the 6/8 weeks timeline and the make all the memories special cliche we didn’t have time because you were so ill .The cancer demon heard that you had that time but it thought no way are they getting that your getting just 4 weeks of pain .Well my pet your 50th birthday is in August so come to it we’re all missing you.Sorry if reading this and think he’s lost his mind well maybe my days and nights aren’t good.Sorry horsewithnoname take care and id like to give you my love and all people who are grieving xx

Hi Simon

I have just read your original post and it could have been me that composed it. My beautiful wife died two weeks ago of metestatic breast cancer after a brave nine year fight during which she never complained once.

We had been together for 46 years and we loved each other for every day of that duration. Now my life is empty and the emotions are uncontrollable. The pain and the numerous daily crying breakdowns which are triggered even by looking at a photo of her, is my daily norm. I am swamped by all the questions I never asked her and I feel immense guilt but not sure why.

I have never been in such a bereavement situation before and I could never have imagined how bad it could be. I know that my wife would want me to be happy after her passing but at the moment I cannot imagine that ever happening. The feeling of loss is overwhelming.

Martin

Hello Simon

May I begin by apologising, I'm new to cancer chat & have noted that you began this string a few years back, but reading almost evey post on this site i've found your experience is so similar to that of my own.

My "best friend & soul mate" is exactly the description that i now describe my wife, but how I wish I had told her whilst she was alive how much I loved her. Sadly Lynn passed away 12 weeks ago with bowel and bladder cancer but in reality it had also spread throughout her body. In August '19 she was playing with our grandchildren on a beach yet in March '20 I was arranging her funeral. These past months, weeks and days have been a blur. I have no will to get up in the mornings, I have no wish to go to bed, I don't have an apitite, I don't want to speak to anyone, I have no ability to concentrate on anything, I breakdown for no reason and I feel guilty that it should have been me & not my wife which died. 

We were together for 48 years and married for 45 of these. For all of this time her only stay in hospital was for the birth of our children, so how could she have no indication whatsoever that a water infection be diagnosed as cancer?

Radiotherapy was perscribed to eliviate pain in her hip, chemo followed which didn't agree with Lynn. She experienced problems with her calcium levels, constantly had infections and generally was feeling unwell. Her health continuded to go downhill rapidly to the point where she needed overnight stays in our local hospital.  Her consultant thought a break in treatment and/or a change to the form of chemo she was given may help, but the pain returned to her hip but now it was also in her neck, shoulder and back.

CT, Ultrasound and Xrays were given to Lynn but they proved she wasn't getting over cancer but being beaten by it. The consultant had the horrendous job of telling us that she only had a few weeks & was withdrawing her treatment.

We were fortunate that the hospital gave our details to our local hospice where the units consultant suggested Lynn should be "stableised". Within a few days the doctors appeared to have her general pain under control although this was via an automatic pump and any additional relief came from nasal spays, injections or tablets. We began looking to to have Lynn come home where nursing care was arranged, but Lynn continued to deteriorate. Daily the amount and type of drugs within the automatic dispencer was changed to allow Lynn some comfort. Before long we were told she had just days to live. My daughter flew from Melbourne & together with my son we lived/slept in the same bedroom as Lynn. Lynn's eyes were closed but she continuded to battle on for 3 days, but just before midnight her breathing stopped.

Like previous writers in this string I had prior knowledge of bereavement as my farther, mother & my sister have passed but although upset I haven't experienced the feeling of depression previously. The restrictions coronavirus on my meeting anyone has only increased my feeling of isolation.

Being lost is an understatement

Allan 

Hello Allan

That was a hard and tearful read, I'm sure it must have been stressful to write. I understand what you are going through and everything must seem like a blur. Does life seem surreal and this is a film you are watching but it is actually real. It's like a bad dream that you are going to wake up from.

The same devastating thing happend to me and my family 2 years ago yesterday when my wife passed away. But I'm not hear to speak about me. This is all so tragic and you have to somehow try and battle through these dark days, even though there doesn't seem as if there is any light at the end of the tunnel.

Stay strong

Chris