Hi, 

I have been with my beautiful wife for 30 years, and we have 3 beautiful teenage daughters.

My wife has been fighting breast cancer since 2009, with numerous Chemotherapies, natural rememdies, surgery and radiotheraphy - after 4/5 years she was in reammission, and then 9 months later in 2015 it came back harder and faster - she has daily lung drains, and was put on various chemotheraphy drugs and in April 2017 she was deemed stage 4 as it had spread to her spine, liver, kidney, both breasts, neck etc - We thought the worse.

I took 9 months off from work to care for my wife, and in that time I studied Chemotherapy treatments, wrote to Pharmecetical firms, and went through weekly blood results in order to do anything I could to save my beloved wifes life.

With my research I was also able to push the Oncologists and talk to them on a 1-2-1 level (even my wife said it was like 2 Oncologists where in the room !) - and I was the one who discovered why my wife had rejected the Chemotherapy in the first place due to her Albumin levels where very low.

Armed with Blood results every week, checking white cells, B12, Albumin I was able to tailor my wifes diet and she was able to have the chemotheraphy week on week.

Working together we managed to keep her alive for another 9 months, however sadly it caught up with her and she died in December 2017 just after Christmas.

Althought this is still very raw, I miss her every day, and have 3-4 breakdowns a day, constant crying, longing, and yearning for my wife - I wear her perfume and jewellery and still sleep with her dressing gown and have kept the house exactly as she left it so ther are no changes "when she returns home"

In 30 years we were together, we were only away from each other for 2 weeks, and we were more than Husband and Wife, she was my soul mate, best friend, we were a unit, we held hands, told each other we loved each other everyday, and I wanted no one else - she was my everything and the only thing in my life I was ever afraid of losing.

I still cry in pain that this could happen to someone so beautiful, and I have had the phases of grief doubt, and anger.

I hate the cliches, "be strong for the children" but how can I when I am not strong for myself, and the girls are teenagers, they are in their rooms talking to their friends, or boyfriends, and I am left on my own - the girls will grow up and I will walk the rest of my time on this earth without my beloved.

I particularly like the "it will get better after the funeral" this I can tell you is ********* ! it has got worse - I have more crying breakdowns, even when I go to places that me and my wife visited I hyper ventilate and freeze on the spot.

Yes I have couselling, but everyday the pain intesifies as does the emptiness and hollowness inside.

I am told I did all I could for my beautiful wife, and I would give everything I own just to have her back with me again.

I wanted to share my story, with others and I read a statistic once that said "75 men a day under the age of 50 are made widowers" and now I am in that statistic.

I am finding it hard to cope everyday, and it feels like my head is caving in with all the tears and emotions - I assume I am not alone

Simon