I'm in exactly the same boat now. Recently lost my wife to a combination of TNBC and Dermatomyositis. She fought a two and a half year battle to beat the illnesses but it just tired her out and we lost her.  I am very bitter that despite her and our best efforts she couldn't survive, it all now seems such a waste of time!  At first Chemo offers hope, but in reality it is a gruelling treatment that may shrink tumours, but it in reality it causes more problems and destroys your body in so many other ways. It's crap! 

Never in my life can I see another person suffer with cancer, and as for NHS palliative care, it was truly shocking. My wife's passing was quite distressing and after witnessing that I can 100% understand why people campaign for euthanasia!

My wife was my soul mate, and my life. I feel absolutely destroyed that she's gone. She was my 'happily ever after'. I've cried so much that I can't sleep anymore, and I'm not brave enough to face people.  The worst feeling of all though is the fact that she said she wasn't ready to go because she had things to do.  She would be so upset if she could see how this has affected me. I am so traumatised by it all!

Dear Simon,

I'm extremely sorry to hear about your loss and i really hope your well. It's just that i'm going through the same part in my own life and don't know how to handle it. I was only 14 when i found out what true love was what it really meant, how much a soulmate can actually mean to you.

But we could only be together for just over a year when i found out she had a brain tumour and she didn't tell me because i would've freaked out. 2 months later, her soul left us. 

It's crazy how someone who had such a huge role in your life, can be gone in a second.

I know you probably don't like bringing up the topic of grief but if there's anything you could tell me or advice you could give me that could possibly help, i will be truly grateful. 

Thank you and remember even though your a lot older than me and have more experience than me, I can proudly say you are NOT alone, and never will be for this matter. 

- Ibrahim

Hi all, I want to apologise for not responding - I did write a reply but my web browser gave up and crashed so this time I have decided to type it up and copy it !- I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to write and post - this year has been the hardest in my life, and in the recent weeks me and my girls (my 3 daughters) have had to navigate what would have been our wedding anniversary (23 years married out of 30 years together) and my wife’s birthday (she would have been 47).

My wife was my life, my very fabric - for 30 years she made me what I am, she was the best part of me - from the ages 0 - 16 I did not know anything else, then at 16 I met my wife and we moved in with each other within 3 months - we knew we were going to be together forever. Even now I have lost my beloved, I am told by her friends that whenever Vicky would have lunch with them all she would say was "All me and Si want to be is together" and this was true - we had plans once the girls had grown up, we were going to be together for the rest of our lives.

I have never experienced Grief like this - yes my father died a few years back, but our relationship was not that great and I did not even cry, but since Vicky was taken from me I have cried everyday.

What I have discovered is Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions, anger, loneliness, frustration and everyone grieves differently, over the course of this year I have had the usual "I know what you’re going through as my stepmum died!" and my particular favourite "I know you’re going through as my wife left me" - I replied sorry to hear that do you still see her? And the reply was "Yes every other day!”

The fact is no one understands what we are going through unless you have been through it yourself.

People do comment and say "you are doing really well" and "appear to be coping" but inside I am not, I think the term is "tears of a clown" - where there is a smile on my face, but its only to fool people but inside is empty and dark.

I have questioned my role now, and have had thoughts that I want to be with my wife - but I know that I have to remain to guide my daughters for the start of their lives - it's as though I am in Purgatory and just waiting, and I know my beloved Vicky is waiting for me.

I have also been asked how do I cope - well everyone is different, yes its nearly been a year and I still sleep with her dressing gown, wear her perfume, and every day I remain I try and do things for her and live for her, e.g I was never a keen gardener but I make sure that is it kept up, and I buy her flowers every week.

My way of coping is to keep busy and instil routine - when Vicky first died last year I was a mess, stressed and couldn't anything e.g. cooking and dinners - when my daughters asked me "what’s for dinner I did not have a clue..." I couldn't even get myself up let alone cook, but then I started to plan - now when the girls ask me I have a whole week covered.

If I did not keep busy, I would just sit and mope - yes I do still do that in the evenings when I am on my own, but I make try and myself busy, routine helps me, and making lists - other examples are shopping and appointments - I was a mess, nothing in the cupboards and missing Childrens appointments, which stressed me out and made me breakdown - the eldest introduced me to an App called FamCal where all of us can update appointment and shopping lists.

This is what I find helps me, and I know the more I do the more I have my wife in my head saying "well done Si"

I know these examples will not work for everyone, but keeping busy stops me from going insane - yes I love my wife still and miss her everyday (that will never stop) - yes I am still attending counselling and on medication, but this takes the edge of.

I still write to her every day, and talk to her but for me I have to keep going for the girls.

I have lots of things in my mind of what I have been doing to cope this year, but I wanted to share with you all - please hang in there - people do not understand unless they have gone through what we have and you cannot just switch off 30 years of happiness and talking to her.

I am more than willing to reach out to any of you, if you need someone to speak to and feel the same.

Simon

Hello Simon

I just happened to read your post and fully understand the pain you are going through.  It seems to get worse, not better and the endless tears keep falling.  I guess there is no easy solution for any of us on this forum except to weather the days and somehow keep going, trying to keep a routine.

My beloved passed away very suddenly, from being admitted by ambulance on the 1st Nov to hospital with his death occurring on the 21st Nov.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer which had spread to the chest lymph nodes and surgery was not an option.  He was one of those men who hated seeing the doctor and kept up the guise of being 'ok' and 'I'm fine', ignoring the symptoms repeatedly and kidding himself it was all asthma related (he suffered from asthma).

By the time his health deteriorated to the extent of being admitted to hospital and the diagnosis received, it was too late.  As if this wasn't bad enough he self prescribed pain killers to numb the chest pains and ended up damaging the liver to the extent he died not due to the cancer, but through liver failure.   The dreadful irony.

I grieve in much the same way you have described and haven't changed his pillow cases as they still have his scent.  I smell his deodorants and aftershave and keep everything the same, much the same as you do, even with his slippers still under the bed on his side.   I hope that you, me and everyone else in our position will one day be able to get through a day without shedding tears and even be happy but for now the sadness is overwhelming and that day seems a lifetime away.

Take care and remember that you are not alone

Debi.

Dealing with loss is just gut wrenching.  Me and my wife had been together for 22 years and married for 13 of those.  We were soul mates till the end, and to be without her comes with a whole pile of emotions... lack of sleep, not eating properly,  fear of never seeing her again, and anger because she had things to do an didn't want to leave us.  It tears my heart out of my *** and really makes me feel physically sick!

I miss her terribly. She put in so much effort to survive and those of us who cared for her also put in a huge amount of effort to help her along the way.  It's just so awful that despite the best efforts we still lost her.

We are having her funeral four days before Christmas and I'm dreading it.  This was one of her favourite times of year and that just makes it all the harder to deal with.

How the hell do you get over losing someone so close, she took my heart with her.

I'm so sorry to learn of your wife's passing and although it's never easy at any time of the year, for this to have happened just before Christmas must be extremely difficult and heart wrenching for you.  I honestly don't know what to suggest to help you get through the next few weeks but with the help and support of close family and friends and taking one day at a time, I hope you will have the strength to carry on.

Take care of yourself and my thoughts are with you at this very painful time.

x

You are not alone. My husband died on 27th November this year, we've been together since 1984, married since 1985.

We've never been apart  did everything together.

I miss him so much. 

My thoughts are with you 

27th Nov 2018, the same day that I lost my wife, best friend and soul mate:(.

I'm gutted beyond words.

So sorry for your lost.

I'm feeling the same, James was my life feel so lost can't stop crying.

And I guess you feel the same