thanks for your kind words you must be going through what i amits awfull what i cant understand all the resurch thats been going on for years they are still no tuther on wheres aii the money go

Yes your right i think its the poor record of the nhs in diagnosis it everything takes forever scans take weeks my partner died because the lousy drs doing a wait and see thing to many people subcribing to nhs and this guv of scoundrels cutting funding plus theres over two hundred types of cancer to me we are still in the dark ages and to many fat cats with there fingers in the till

Hi Simon,

I'm so sorry about your loss. We just lost my mum, we were not given the chance to fight for her as she died a week after diagnosis. I worry about my Dad, as he has 4 grown up daughters and my Mum was his world. They have their wedding anniversary coming up and they would have been married 38 years. It breaks my heart that I can't help him. I was there when my mum died my Dad was holding her hand. I saw her light go out and my dad's going dim.

He is being strong for us children, we doesn't have to be as he has lost his light too. 

Hold on to your memories that is something no one can take. 

Just remember you are not alone xx

thanks gord   how can you take of your self when the most treasured thing in your life has gone if you both biew up at the same time when  one diedit would be far kinder now all that is left is memorys  ifind myself adding the years i may have left  hoping for an afterlife so i can be with her again trying to smile when your family call it is so cruelthey say with time it heals but its very hard   terencem

Hi Terence. My wife and  I were just retiring when we got the devasting news. We used to do everything together and now it would be pointless to go anywhere myself without my wife to talk to and enjoy each other's company. We had all this dreams of what we would do in retirement after working all our lives, however, it was not to be. Just left with a lot of guilt and regrets now, thinking we should have done things earlier in our lives, but we always said save for a rainy day and we will do it when we retire. Everyone tells me I've got memories as well, but I don't want memories, I want my wife.

I have lost all confidence in myself now, and don't go out much at all, as it is a couples world, and now I don't feel part of it. I go to a bereavement group at a CLAN cancer drop in centre. This is okay when I'm there, but you still have to come home to an empty house. Life is a very lonely and empty place now, and nobody knows the heartbreak you are going through, even your family, unless they have lost their wife or husband. Gord.

hi cord   i know just how you feel from waking up lt is torture  every second i have  taken her photoes and turned them round so i cant keep looking at her iknow it is making me ill and i have lost weight but i am not bothered like you i just feel emty hope you pick up       terencem

hi bill  l lost my wife 5 weeks ago we were married 58 years i w orshiped her you survive 1 minit  to the next they give her 3 month she lived 5 week i cant bear to touch her ciothes i know what you mean with weddings etc but your not listening lts awfull  you have all my sympathy lwent to see a medium got some relief    xxterencem

Hi Simon.

I guess lots will have changed for you as its been 9 months since you wrote this and I hope you are coping better. Your post has many similarites to my story. 

My wife was mis diagnosed and them 9 wasted months allowed it to do it's worst. We have one child and she was young when we lost her mom. Like you work became nothing and to get my wife through the first lot of treatment as we felt sure we could beat it and we broke down each of the stages to make the mountain she faced in to smaller more mentally managable challenges.

After all the treatment we had 12 months of being well but the fear of the return of the illness she claimed was worse than the illness itself. Within the 12 months the fear became a reality and it was in her spine and my wife was lucky she could walk. Again there was a delay in diagnoses and the doctors just dismissed her fractured spine as shoulder pain, the one doctor even telling my wife to sleep on the other side.

You remember days that changed the world and I remember every date that our world was desroyed one piece at a time. We had another 14 months together after this diagnoses where I cared for her in the final days at home and hugged in to her as she took her last breath just the 2 of us alone.

Theres lots more to tell but this is your post Simon and I'm not here to make it all about my story but I do want to help you with my mistakes if you want them. 

I see from your post you had a lot of grief and I hope this has past but it's a process I never went through and now I pay a heavy price. When I said goodbye I was alone as my wifes family aren't very good and mine live a long way away so couldnt be here for me 100% so I had to arrange everything. Our daughter needed stability and I shut it all down and went into being more like a robot. That was over 6 years ago and it's no easier but inside I am empty. I have no emotion other than anger and other than my daughter I care about no one. I am stuck between two worlds where I know I can not leave my little girl but want to be with my wife so badly. I read your post and like you I tried my hardest and at hospital I would be told I should become a nurse as I would care for my wife and not a nurse but I would tell them I will only do it for her. But now I know I failed her and I could have done so much more and like you I get so annoyed when I'm told I did so much for her. Or when I'm told how good i'm doing raising our daughter and I refuse to accept that as I was given an amazing little girl when my wife had to go. And the worst of all is the feeling of how much better our little girl would have been if it was me. I hate that it wasn't even now.

There is a saying and that is emotionally i'm done, mentally i'm drained, spiritually i'm dead, but physically I smile. This is where I am after six years because I didn't let my feelings out and I really hope you have. When you said you wore her perfume, I used to spray it but it never smelt the same. When my wife was here I would roll to her side of the bed and smell her pillow as I just loved how she smelt but that went so quickly after.

I from time to time give myself an hour off as I remember a night she was out. I was sat on my laptop listening to music on you tube and even now I remember what it was. So I get not so little one to bed and get my head phones on and do the same as I did that night. I feel like she's just out with friends and she will be back soon. I do love that hour where I'm still married and soon my beautiful wife will be home. It's a hard crash back to reality and messes me up for a few days but it's always worth it. Just to have her back for one hour.

I hope you can take a little something from this with me having gone through over six years and your still very close to the date of your loss. The people that tell you to be strong for your girls have the right message but just say it wrong. I still hug my daughter as she cries her little heart out for her mom and her greatest fear is lossing me too. As hard as it is to get out of bed some days if you need a reason make your girls that reason.

I hope you read this and you can take something from it.

Simon 

I read your story and am glad I did alot of things you are saying are exactly how I feel for I loss my beautiful wife to colon cancer she battled stage 4 for over 7 years doing every medicine there was some of them multiple times she passed July 26 2018  I thank you for sharing your story