Dear Simon.

Your post is describing exactly how I feel..I have been redecorating and gardening, trying to assure my husband that I am ok..he would fret so much knowing I have to do all these things, but I want to make him proud of me. I also write a journal every day, and I now speak out loud, because if he is looking over me, he dosent know what i am thinking. I have a little bracelet with his fingerprint on a teardrop, and whwn I am in distress, the little teardrop seems to fall into the palm of my hand, wher he would have held it. We planned to sell up this year, and move to Portugal..Now I cant even plan what to have for dinner, which is usually nothing. Life is so cruel..my husband honestly was everything to me..It was love at 1st sight for us, and he died looking at me massaging his feet and chattering away to him..

Love Gillian

Dear Simon,

Reading your story broke my heart. I absolutely get what you are going through, perhaps because our stories have many similarities.

I met my wife when I was 19 and married her at 23. We had 2 children together. We were married for 26 years till her death in November 2016 from aggressive breast cancer. Like you I quit my job to nurse her in the final months.

I was told that the pain never goes away but that you learn to live with it. They say it is like being cast into a stormy sea. At first it feels like you are drowning. Then, as you tread water, wave after wave hits you. Later, the waves become less frequent, but they still engulf you. It has been 18 months since I held her hand and watched her take her last breath and I still struggle to deal with it. The waves come every other day now and with each one it feels like it is going to obliterate me. Mostly I resist it but sometimes I just put on her favourite music, close the curtains and let the tears flow. I still expect her to come walking through the door.

She was the centre of the universe and I adored her. Every decision revolved around her. Now that she is gone I don’t know what to do. Nothing makes sense. She was my first and last love. I am now 50, facing the rest of my life alone. I don't know how I will do it but I am taking one day at a time, if only because she would want me to.

 Simon, please remember that when you are suffering, there is at least one person out there going through something similar.

Paul

Hello, Simon, and the other bereaved people on this thread. 

You can read about my experience in my profile, but, briefly, I lost my wife to cancer at the beginning of April 2018. I feel I've been coping quite well: working part time at the moment, which I think has helped, as well as supporting our daughter through GCSEs. That said in the last few weeks I've had really low episodes, when I struggle to achieve anything. I'm 55 years old, together with my wife for 25 years. She was certainly my best friend too:we shared the same outlook on life: valuing the simple things and what money can't buy. She disliked shopping even more than I did!

I'm going through one of these episodes just now, and am glad I've found this thread.

Hi Billy

I lost my beautiful husband 12 April 18 , you say coping quite well , can you tell me what does that mean, it's interesting to know what that means, i don't actaully wale anymore ,  and I go to work and just get on with life but I am sitting here on Saturday night and crying my eyes out , everyone around me have a life , doing stuff , and i don't have a life , I  have friends and things to distract me if i want but i want my husband back, in am quite strong and independent and I know I will get there but not ready yet , and all his family are just getting on with their lives,  booking holidays, organising weddings , I may be wrong in saying this because I know everyone's loss is different , but the siblings don't feel my loss after 29 years there all getting on with their lives and i don't have one.

Hello, Maldives, my name is Bill, not Billy, by the way.

You slightly misquote me: I say:" I feel I've been coping quite well": past tense. In some ways things have actually got worse just recently. Also, it's only a feeling, not a statement of fact. Nevertheless I am managing to carry on working part time, and have been rather slowly sorting my late wife's professional and financial affairs, as well as helping my daughter through major exams. My wife's family are very supportive: her mother is still alive, and is grief-stricken by the loss of her daughter, My wife was always ver close to her sister, so likewise my sister in law is also struggling with it.  LIke you, however, I also feel very isolated. I come from a very introverted family, who hae never been very good at expressing their feelings: parents, brother, and indeed daughter, while my son has profound mental handicap, so he has, as far as anyone can tell, no notion about family relationships. 

So my emotional bond with my wife was so important to me, and has so suddenly been cut. No, it's not at all easy for me.

Hi Simon,

I am so sorry for your loss. 

My wife whom i was lucky enough to meet and get together wiith over 26 years ago (much more than half my life) currently has just been been diagnosed with secondary metastatic breast cancer, it is in her liver and bones now. We have 2 wonderful daughters currently aged 11 and 14.  Six years ago we went through all the treatment for Breast Cancer (i say we as the whole family is effected however much you try to avoid it). I thought we had beaten it as herceptin and tamoxifen seemed to be working.... then out of the blue BAM it's back and worse!!! It's teatable, but not curable.

She is my soulmate, and i don't know how to cope without her. We are a partnership, if the treatment doesn't work i don't know what to do. I don't think i could cope if/when the worst happens. I know its unfair to ask, as you are obviously suffering but how do you cope? I feel so alone regardless of very well meaning, very beloved friends and relatives.

I cave in to tears all the time when i am alone in the car or late at night, i have to be strong for the kids don't I??? I don't knpw!!

hi my wife diedsept 18 wijh lung cancer she also hadpulmonary fibrosis we kept her golng for12 monthsand she fought for her life so hard we were married 58 years and i miss her every secondthe only thing that keeps me golng is  the afterlife i started studiying i am not eating sieeplng and very rarely go out   ther is no purpose to life without herjohnB

Hi Terence. Nothing I or anyone can say to you that will make this terrible time in your life easier. I am so sorry you are here with all of us others who have lost the ones they love. It is the worst experience in life you will be going through. It is ten months since my wife died and the pain, loss and emptiness is still with me. Life for me stopped the day my wife died. People will start to say all the wrong things to you like, you will get over it, things will get better, and all that unhelpful words. For me, it is a daily battle with myself to go on, and like you, I know I wil see my wife again. I have no purpose in life now without my wife and best friend either.

58 years is a lifetime together, and if you are like me, it will feel like you have been cut in half. The pain is horrendous, and I feel for you Terence.