Hello Bonanza.  I am so sorry.  So sad the clinical trial did not work out and at the moment it is probably not much consolation that she has been part of something that will help point the way for future ways of treating cancer.

I hope that you can now find ways of making each day count.  I don't know how ill she actually is now but I hope you will be able to take in some things that she would enjoy doing.  This is going to be a hard time for you and your family.  I have not had cancer myself but have cared for family and friends and it is sometimes very difficult to be cheerful but the priority is of course always to keep up the spirits of your loved one.   I hope you are getting support throughout this time either from friends or agencies such as MacMillan who give support to cancer patients and their families.

My very best wishes and do keep posting here as an outlet for your fears and tears. 

Thanks Annieliz 

I went to stay at my sister's on Wednesday night.

I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I find it hard to enjoy time together because as soon as I start having a nice time I burst into tears and get very upset because we won't be able to do it much longer. This might not be helpful to my sister but I find it uncontrollable.

She also says she doesn't really want to do anything particularly special. I think the pressure of trying to make time count can feel a bit much. 

It isn't fair. I don't want her to go. I am going to miss her so much. 

I don't know how to make the time count now and I am so scared I wish she could stay

It is the saddest thing. How can there be a world without her. I am angry at the doctors. I am angry at anyone over 30, a birthday she won't get to enjoy and she would enjoy it she has a real lust for life she makes sure to enjoy things and values life so much she is much more positive and kind and friendly than me it isn't fair

Wow I'm not allowed to say a word that rhymes with dust and starts with L

Hello again.  I think the censors are a bit sharp on that point.  You can .... for anything, a cup of tea, whatever takes your fancy.

It is hard and life is so very very unfair sometimes.  No logic or reason to it.  All your reactions are normal and very common; too many people of all ages suffer and we don't understand why.  I don't know if you taken a look at other areas of this website,  Specifically under About Cancer, then subtitle Coping with Cancer.  You may find it helpful.

You can only follow what your sister wishes.   If she doesn't want to do anything, fair enough.  Totally up to her of course and you can only follow her wishes. Please do not stress yourself by thinking you must do things even if you sister does not want to do anything special.   Cancer is awful for everybody who suffers it; your sister being under 30 does make it worse for you.  How are your parents managing - are you a close-knit family?

If you look through the posts here you will find similar reactions to the ones you have described for  yourself.  You might like to chat with some of the people who are also going through this.

Take care of yourself as well as you sister.  You are showing so much love.