My beautiful mum passed away today.

Excuse my french but what the ***.

I don't understand what we are all doing here. I feel empty and numb and I hate all of this. 

How can she be gone? I don't believe in there being a god or any of that, and if he does exist he is a ***. I just find it so hard to comprehend that she is gone. What does gone mean? We saw her body and it was cold but she wasn't there. Where did she go? Is she watching down on us? I just don't understand how someone can just stop existing. 

I hope she is somewhere in the universe, able to watch down on us. I just wish I could tell her how much I love her. 

I hate that any of us have to go through this. I hate cancer.

She was only 48, and I'm 18 supposed to start uni next year. It feels like such a lonely journey now. A life without mum, without people who understand. My life ahead seems so tedious and long now, to be spent without her. And my dad, and my brother, who is only 16, they don't deserve this. No one does. I don't know how we are going to get through this. I feel so lonely. My heart is broken. She needed to be here for us. Dad said her biggest fear was leaving my brother and I. Why did she have to go? 

I uploaded a photo of her and I as my profile picture.. I wish she could smile and be happy like that again.

Mum, I love you so so so much. You are in my heart forever, and I will miss you until the day I die. I hope in another world I will get to see you again and we can be together forever. I want to hold on to you so tight and never let you go, but you are gone now. I miss you, I love you, my heart is broken for you. Maybe in an alternate reality none of this happened and you are alive, and we are happy and unbroken xxx