Hi there Belle .... bless ya,  I think your being really hard on yourself ... some people grieve even before someone dies ... some people strait away ... and some years later, when something just clicks ... it's normal, everyone grieves differently, and you lost your husband ... if you'd held it all in, you would never heal ... when you let it all out like that, your letting some of the pressure off ... if you think of your brain as a store cupboard... you can put emotions in there and close the door ... until late one day you open it up to put more feelings in, and it is so full it all comes tumbling out ...and it feels overwhelming...  Please don't feel guilty ... everyone who looses someone they love goes through the same emotions but in different ways ... you need to be kind to your heart and realise how sad this is for you ... you have probably been to strong, for too long ... I even had a good scream once, years after my mum had died coz I realised I'd been carrying it around inside ... I felt so much better after ... 

If you phone the free phone here or mcmillan,  they may tell you how you can get counciling.... just try and live in the day, go with how you are feeling, and once you stop being so hard on yourself, you may find , oh so slowly, you'll start being able to deal with things ... small steps and lots of talking ... I hope you have someone who can give you a big hug ... and im sending you one today ... you know your braver then you realise ... take care ... chrisie xx