... the hardest thing possible happened to me on January the 7th 2016. I lost my role model, my light. The person who I never thought would leave me. Her leaving me was my biggest fear since I was a young child, every time she would go out to get food from the shop I'd wait on the window sill for her. If she took too long I'd ball out in tears thinking something bad happened to her. My mother wasn't an ordinary woman she had this smile that could light up a room, a personality that was crazy and unique, let me tell you now there is no woman who could ever come close to how amazing my mother was. My mother often would complain about how she looked and I would always face palm thinking how on earth could you think negatively about yourself. You're the most goregous woman in the world. She struggled with life, with her ups and downs especially when my father passed away when I was two years old maybe three. But my mum always put up a strong front for all of us not just me. When times would get rough she would be the first to make a joke out of the situation.
When she first got ill it was a massive stab in the chest, I was only 12 at the time when she got diagnosed with cervical cancer. Luckily they treated it, and I had my mum back. When I saw her after her chemotherapy was over she was thin but also had a bright complexion on her, she looked radiant. You could tell how happy she was after beating it, how that smile could yet again light up a room, but not just one room this time... thousands. But then things went down hill again... years passed and she would have pain. Her bowl wasn't working properly which explained the pain. But not only that... they found out the cancer had spread to all her lymph nodes. This time it was untreatable which meant I only had limited time with my mother. Me being 14 at the time I didn't know how to cope, I'd keep myself in my room, I would self harm and wouldn't eat very much. I didn't help around with her I just kept to myself. Because I was scared. And that's the biggest regret of my life. Whilst my mother was losing her hair and throwing up, whilst she would be crying to herself and dying with every second that passed I kept myself in my room. I never realised the seriousness of what was happening, I was a dumb child. Then the day came... in november.. I can't remember the exact day but my mother was crying in agony. The ambulance came and so did my nan. That night I was taken into foster care and was still so confused what was happening. She was undergoing serious surgery. She could have died that night, and maybe she would have been more at peace if that was the case. Her bowl had burst and she was in trouble, really big trouble. Her life was near the end. And I couldn't take it. I started visiting her at the hospital regularly and every day I would cry my eyes out after seeing her. She was dosed up on drugs and you could tell she couldn't stand the pain anymore. The day before she died I laid on her hospital bed, cuddled her leg and sobbed. She gave me a weak smile and told me how she wasn't going anywhere like any parent would. But the next day she was taking her very last breaths. And passed away.
Even though I knew it would scar me for life I visited her when she had passed, I sobbed on her dead body and couldn't control the emotions I had inside me. I just crumbled down. And that's the image I can never get out of my head.
I'm 16 and this January will be the 2nd year my mother isn't in my life. And I can't actually cope anymore. Nothing is the same. I haven't got my home, haven't got my two ginger dogs and most importantly my goregous mother. I have dreams about her and each one feels so realistic but then I wake up and realise it's not real. I have break downs ever so often and I have never felt so lonely in my life. I want her back so bad.
