Cancer Research UK main site

Uncertain Future

Tazzie
Offline

My husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer nearly 3 years ago, he underwent major surgery and spent 10 days in hospital. I myself was diagnosed with breast cancer in sept 2015 and underwent treatment luckily it was caught early.  He was recovering well then in May 2016 he started having problems in his bowel. He went into hospital and they found that the cancer had returned but this time it was in his bowel, they gave us a glimmer of hope when they said they could operate. He was given another scan and they found it was in-operable and terminal. My heart sank when we were told, I burst into tears and put my arm's around my husband. I think he was in as much disbelief as I was, I tried to talk to him about what he wanted to do and his answer was I just want to go home. He spent his birthday in hospital and on that day he looked as fit as ever but the following day his condition had detiorated, the hospital didnt want him to come home but he was stubborn and finally he was able to come home. District Nurse's came everyday and also the Local Hospice nurse's. Everything was being put into place for him to be at home. The night before my husband passed away I had a dream of me and him walking a pathway up a hill when he turned to me and said ' You have to go back now I've got to go on on my own' . No matter how hard I tried I couldn't step any further as I looked up I saw him smile at me and say' I will always love you'. I woke up frantic and saw that he was still with me but I knew it wouldn't be for much longer. So I stayed awake till he finally passed on Friday 15th July 2016 he was 49 years old.

Everyday I wake I'm not sure of what the future will bring, there are nights when I cry myself to sleep at night, but I made a promise to my husband that no matter what happened to him I would take care of myself. There are things that are still raw with me and I still feel like I'm stuck in some kind of bubble. I think this time last year he was still with me. We would both of been celebrating our 50th birthday's this year and we were going to have a big party. Now that all seems a world away.

 

  • Offline

    Hi Tazzie,

    Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to read about the loss of your husband, especially hard when things seemed to be going well for him.

    I hope you find some help and support on the forum. So many people on here have been through something similar and others live with the stress of knowing that it could be just round the corner.

    Birthdays and Christmas are always difficult times, we try to remember the good times, but none of us can help feeling loss and regret. 

    Best wishes

    Dave

  • Offline
    Hello Tazzie Breaks my heart reading of your great loss and all you have been through. I too lost my husband, my soul mate to junctional oesophagus cancer on 10th September 2016. I also promised that I would take care of myself and our family and live life for us and for him - its very difficult and am so sorry you are going through this. Take care xxx
  • Offline

    Hello Tazzie,  I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  It is similar to my situation - my husband was first diagnosed Nov 2016, at which point he was asymptomatic - they only found it by accident, so although we were told with his type of cancer a lot of people only get 3 months, they did say there was a 13% chance he might survive 5 years, and because he was so healthy we both expected 5 years.  We were told on 26th January following a scan that it had spread too far and too fast and there was nothing more they could do, and that we would be lucky to get weeks.  We too wanted him to come home and made all the necessary arrangements.  He died at home on the 21st February.  Just 4 weeks ago today.  I coped quite well the first couple of weeks with so much to do and so many people around me, but now it is getting harder every day.  We didn't have children, only dogs, and they are my furry salvation - I have to keep on keeping on for them, and I owe that to them, but still my life has lost all meaning.  Sloth's 43rd birthday was less than 2 weeks after I lost him, and our 6th wedding anniversary will be on Friday.  I am absolutely lost.  I go through all the right motions, eating, sleeping, talking to people, but I just don't know what the point is.  I had a job I absolutely loved and am good at, and that took me 16 years to get to, but even that has lost all interest.  My company have been great and I keep thinking if I can just go back then maybe I will be able to face the world, but I get in the car and I just can't do it - I cry, I panic, I just want to be at home where I feel safe.  

    I am sorry - I don't think any of this helps you in any way, but I keep getting told that it will help me to talk about it, so I come onto the forums, hoping to get a glimmer of hope, but I don't think that's really possible in our situation, is it?  x

     

  • Offline in reply to Duck

    Thank you for your response and I myself have just my pets to give me comfort when I'm on my own. During the day I'm not to bad but the night's are the worst I wasn't sure whether to post on here. Believe it not I didn't think talking about it would help but I feel it is helping me to cope in some way. x

     

  • Offline in reply to Tazzie

    There is a wealth of experience on here, and many people further down the line than we are, so whilst it doesn't feel like it, I suppose there must be a time when you get used to the 'new normal', and learn to accept the grief.  I suppose there must come a time when the good days outweigh the bad, although from my current point of view it is very hard to see.  Still, it is some comfort to know we are not alone, and that others have experienced, lived with, and survived this level of pain.

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.