Hi runner90, 

let me first say how sorry I another's about your mum. I know exactly what you're going through, I'm 23 and I lost my mum (47) in November 2016 she died of secondary breast cancer. :( 

Like you I'd bought a house last year fortunately my mum did get to see my house and visit, although she wanted to help me decorate etc she never could because of chemotherapy and how tired she was. Which really broke her heart. My mum was also looking forward to helping me plan my wedding as my partner proposed to me in October 2016, but she passed away before we even started. 

I went back to work at a similar time to you, (think I had around 12 days off work) everyone deals with grief in different ways. And for me being at work helps me although some days at work I am in floods of tears or go to the loo to have a cry. But I know my mum would tell me to go in and stop being silly. 

I worry about my dad (48) ever so much, as I'm the youngest child and both my two brothers also have their own houses. He's on his own now and isn't coping very well a bit like your dad. My dad wanted to go through my mums things 2 days after she passed as he found it really hard seeing her toothbrush, makeup and perfume around the house. I didn't let him do this on his own we went through pretty much all my mums things and got rid of a few bits. He has lots of bad days and isn't going to work at the minute or sleeping. I try to visit him as much as I can but if I can't visit I'll ring or message him to make sure he's ok. He's so young like my mum was and I'm just worried that's he's going to be lonely for the rest of his life and be on his own. 

Like you said none of your friends understand what you're going through as they're lucky enough to not have been in the situation we are both in. If you do need anyone to talk to I am here, as I recently got speaking to a girl a similar age to me and who's mum had also died of secondary breast cancer. And it has really helped me to talk about things. So please don't hesitate to talk if you need it. :) 

Hi ...

i see steff has replied, Me and her have been messaging. I am 26 and lost my mum five weeks ago to secondary breast cancer. My whole world feels like it's fallen apart. I struggle to get the bad things out my head like the fact she knew she was dieing, the fact she wouldn't be at my wedding and she wouldn't watch her grandson grow up. People say to me she wasn't scared and it to think of those things as she was content that her family were settled but it's so hard.

i havnt been able to go back to work, my job is too demanding emotionally so I have had to take time off. I do plan to go back soon but part of me feels that's me moving on without her. 

Nothing friends can say will will ease your pain, I think the only thing that would is to have her back right? Xx

Hi Steff, 

Thanks very much for your message and I too am sorry for your loss. 

To be honest I'm not sure how much my Mum comprehended that I was even buying a house when I showed her the photos as it was only 2 days before she passed and was already on a fast downward slope of confusion. 

I guess I thought going back to work would create a distraction but it actually just made me feel like life was continuing as normal without her. My boss has said I can have the whole of this week off as well if I want so I've decided not to go in tomorrow or Tuesday for sure. My issue with this is that I only started this new job in November so it's far from ideal. I do also feel like my Mum would just tell me to "man up" and stop being so ridiculous! 

My Dad admitted to me today that he doesn't want to wake up and see reminders of her all over the house everyday. Which I find hard as I'd like to keep the photos etc up. But I do understand why he wants to get rid of the clothes - they have to go at some point right? And is there ever a good time to go through them? Probably not. So may as well do it when it hurts. I've been going through more today with my friends helping and just keep anything she bought as souvenirs etc. My Dad isn't keep to help which I get so I'm glad my friends are willing to help (plus they're getting some free clothes out of it!) Who knew someone could own so many clothes? I've been through 3 wardrobes already and not even got onto the drawers!! My parents are slightly older than your (63/64) and my Dad is retired. I think if he had a full time job he would probably be better off but for now he has a small business running cycling classes in the evenings that is moving locations which is keeping him occupied. 

Thanks very much - I appreciate the offer and as you can tell by the message above I'm going to take you up on that offer! 

Em 

Hi Marie, 

Thanks for your message and I am sorry for your loss also. 

The thing I'm struggling with the most is that she was such a fighter her whole life. She got through breast cancer back in 2012 and was determined to live for at least the next few years fighting this lung and bone cancer. I dont understand what made her brain just give up as it's not like the chemo wasn't working - in fact it was working better than the doctors expected! Why did she just give up all of a sudden? 

I'm not in the situation where I am married (or even with anyone so that's not even a remote possibility) but years ago, before she was diagnosed, she joked that she'd never see me get married or have any kids if I didn't settle soon. But now it's not so funny anymore as those things will never happen. 

I've decided not to go in this week, at least not until Wednesday at the earliest. My job isn't really that demanding but I only started there in November so the friendships I have built there are obviously not as strong as the ones I built in previous job where I worked for 4+ years. In a way working with people who don't know you is good, but at the same time, not having someone to just go and cry at makes it a bit harder. Yes I agree, going back in part feels like I'm jsut continuing life as normal as if nothing has happened. 

Ye pretty much and unfrotunately that's never going to happen! 

Em xx

Yeah those last few days are horrible, I hated it when my mum was ill. She was in hospital for over a week and was confused all the time and started making things up. We were preparing for her to come home, when my dad rang to say that doctors said mum was dying and had hours of that to live. And in this time she fought for 5 days although she was in a coma like state and didn't really know what was going on. 

Yes you have to do what's best for you I find it easier being at work as it's a distraction for me. Whereas when I'm at home or out and about is when I randomly just start crying. It's good that your boss is understanding and is letting you have the time off you need. There's no time limit on how long a person can grief someone, I'm still grieving my mum and it's nearly 3 months on. I feel like I will never got over it. 

Don't worry too much about your dad mine was the same the first few weeks of my mums death he didn't want to see anything of hers in the house. I told him not to bin anything and just to put out of sight until we both went through it all. But now my dad has loads of pictures up of my mum. He was building my mum an orangery that my mum was so looking forward to using, as my mum for that last 2 months of her life spent it in bed. So they were planning on putting a bed in there so my mum wasn't on her own upstairs and could look at the countryside. But my mum never got to see it as it wasn't finished in time. It's finished now and we call it Lou's lounge after my mum and is filled of photographs and my mums favourite ornaments. Your dad will get there soon, but just give him the time he needs to grieve. It must be a horrible feeling for them having everything and all of a sudden being on your own. 

No worries talking about it really does help and it's good to know that you're not the only one out there. And that others are having to deal with similar situations to you. 

Steff xx

My Mum varied over the last few weeks. I saw her on the Saturday afternoon and she seemed in good spirits, was chatting and knew what was going on and then on Sunday evening they decided she couldn't fight another infection again and Monday morning she was gone. It all happened so fast at the end. And we were never given a medical reason for her sudden deterioration which makes it harder to comprehend that it was just her mind/nody giving up, when she was such a fighter her whole life.

I think gried is going to be a long process. This year is going to be a lot of "firsts without Mum". Like my first Valentines Day this week without a single card as my Mum always bought me one no matter what! I'm going to try and go back to work next week - I know she wouldn't have wanted me to put my life on hold and be sad all the time.

My brother and I finished sorting through all of my Mums clothes this week so now my Dad dones't have to see them everyday. He's hidden all her jewellery away in a box for now. Which is fine but I'm the kind of person who would like to wear a necklace or something so I feel like she's always with me but I know Dad won't be ready to face the jewellery for a long time. Ah that's a really nice thing that your Dad has finished that. My Dad is talking about the kitchen done as that's something they'd been thinking about doing for a while but I think that's more so he just has a project to distract himself for a while.

Ye it's definitely better knowing there are others out there going through the same thing.

Em x 

It's been 11 days now since the cruel disease has taken away my Dad. I am 26 years old and i have lost my Dad , 57 to this evil disease.

On November 29th Dad was diagnosed with Oesophageal Cancer after having difficulty swallowing. The doctors offered him Chemo treatment which would last about 6 months to shrink the tumour. When Mum told all of us we were all very positive as we know that Dad was a clever man and had great fighting spirit. He had his first round of Chemo on 3rd Jan and felt very positive and much better after it. When he was due to go to his 2nd Chemo treatment he was told his blood count was low, therefore had to have a blood transfusion instead of the Chemo. After his blood transfusion he seemed to feel much worse, spending his days in bed , having no energy and feeling very unwell. On Thursday 9th Feb my mum took him into his routine meeting with the consultant. He walked into the hospital and fainted as he came out of the lift. He was taken to the Oncology Day Unit and was given a bed whilst they waited for the doctor. He was in this room for over 5 hours without any fluids or any sign of a doctor. He fainted again whilst in this room and then was taken to the Oncology Department on a ward. Me and mum stayed with him until about 10pm to let him get some sleep and to come back in the morning. 

My mum recieved a call at 6am on Friday 10th Feb saying that Dad had sufferred a major bleed that night and had to be ressucitated. We were all told that the tumour had a catastrophic bleed and he lost an enormous amount of blood. He spent two weeks on the Oncology Ward with various other CT scans, blood tests, observations. On Valentines Day the doctor got all of us together ( he had 4 kids) and told us they were not going to continue anymore treatment and that the Chemo is not working.- I will never have Valentines Day again.

On Thursday 23rd of Feb he was discharged on to come home on Pallative Care. He was on various pain releif and medication so was quite sleepy most days, but we managed to get glimpses of him now and then. His condition deteriorated on Tuesday 28th Feb and no longer felt like eating and became more and more confused. He developed a rattling chest so we called the nurse out and she gave him something to stop the secretions. 

On Wednesday 1st March ( St Davids Day) my dear dear Dad passed away with mum lying next to him telling him how much we all loved him.

I just cannot get my head around why it was him that had to go, he was too young, he will never see his grandchildren and will never walk me down the ailse. He was a talented man , an artist and illustrator , he had so much more to give. His life was so cruely taken away from him and we had no time. Many of the stories i have read on here are about older people, by no means does that make it easier. I just need to make sense of why my Dad? Why this young? I too find it really difficult to talk to any of my friends or my boyfriend about any of this as they are each lucky enough to have both their parents and most of them still their grandparents and this makes me even angrier.

i am sorry for all you ladies that have lost your beloved mothers , my sister posted something on Facebook earlier which I thought I would share with you ...

A beautiful perspective

I was directed to this by someone and thought it was good. It's written by someone called Snow....

"Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

Hi. Firstly i am very sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom to breast cancer at the age of 30 whilst 6 months pregnant with my daughter who she never saw. That was 17 years ago but i can relate to every single post on here. I cant say the pain isnt there because it is - some days are good & some are still very bad. You will learn to deal with it better but take the time to grieve. Keep talking. I am now in the middle of treatments for breast cancer & miss my mom so much that I'm being awoken with that devastating pain in my heart. We have to live life & carry on - my mom was very clear with us to not cry after her & be strong. Mom's are everything and i also have kids so try to just be a better mother. 

You all have your lives ahead of you - live them to the fullest as your mom would've wanted you to. Life throws us many curveballs & that is a means of realigning us onto the right path. Live, love & laugh.