Hi runner90, 

let me first say how sorry I another's about your mum. I know exactly what you're going through, I'm 23 and I lost my mum (47) in November 2016 she died of secondary breast cancer. :( 

Like you I'd bought a house last year fortunately my mum did get to see my house and visit, although she wanted to help me decorate etc she never could because of chemotherapy and how tired she was. Which really broke her heart. My mum was also looking forward to helping me plan my wedding as my partner proposed to me in October 2016, but she passed away before we even started. 

I went back to work at a similar time to you, (think I had around 12 days off work) everyone deals with grief in different ways. And for me being at work helps me although some days at work I am in floods of tears or go to the loo to have a cry. But I know my mum would tell me to go in and stop being silly. 

I worry about my dad (48) ever so much, as I'm the youngest child and both my two brothers also have their own houses. He's on his own now and isn't coping very well a bit like your dad. My dad wanted to go through my mums things 2 days after she passed as he found it really hard seeing her toothbrush, makeup and perfume around the house. I didn't let him do this on his own we went through pretty much all my mums things and got rid of a few bits. He has lots of bad days and isn't going to work at the minute or sleeping. I try to visit him as much as I can but if I can't visit I'll ring or message him to make sure he's ok. He's so young like my mum was and I'm just worried that's he's going to be lonely for the rest of his life and be on his own. 

Like you said none of your friends understand what you're going through as they're lucky enough to not have been in the situation we are both in. If you do need anyone to talk to I am here, as I recently got speaking to a girl a similar age to me and who's mum had also died of secondary breast cancer. And it has really helped me to talk about things. So please don't hesitate to talk if you need it. :) 

Hi runner90, 

let me first say how sorry I another's about your mum. I know exactly what you're going through, I'm 23 and I lost my mum (47) in November 2016 she died of secondary breast cancer. :( 

Like you I'd bought a house last year fortunately my mum did get to see my house and visit, although she wanted to help me decorate etc she never could because of chemotherapy and how tired she was. Which really broke her heart. My mum was also looking forward to helping me plan my wedding as my partner proposed to me in October 2016, but she passed away before we even started. 

I went back to work at a similar time to you, (think I had around 12 days off work) everyone deals with grief in different ways. And for me being at work helps me although some days at work I am in floods of tears or go to the loo to have a cry. But I know my mum would tell me to go in and stop being silly. 

I worry about my dad (48) ever so much, as I'm the youngest child and both my two brothers also have their own houses. He's on his own now and isn't coping very well a bit like your dad. My dad wanted to go through my mums things 2 days after she passed as he found it really hard seeing her toothbrush, makeup and perfume around the house. I didn't let him do this on his own we went through pretty much all my mums things and got rid of a few bits. He has lots of bad days and isn't going to work at the minute or sleeping. I try to visit him as much as I can but if I can't visit I'll ring or message him to make sure he's ok. He's so young like my mum was and I'm just worried that's he's going to be lonely for the rest of his life and be on his own. 

Like you said none of your friends understand what you're going through as they're lucky enough to not have been in the situation we are both in. If you do need anyone to talk to I am here, as I recently got speaking to a girl a similar age to me and who's mum had also died of secondary breast cancer. And it has really helped me to talk about things. So please don't hesitate to talk if you need it. :) 

Hi Steff, 

Thanks very much for your message and I too am sorry for your loss. 

To be honest I'm not sure how much my Mum comprehended that I was even buying a house when I showed her the photos as it was only 2 days before she passed and was already on a fast downward slope of confusion. 

I guess I thought going back to work would create a distraction but it actually just made me feel like life was continuing as normal without her. My boss has said I can have the whole of this week off as well if I want so I've decided not to go in tomorrow or Tuesday for sure. My issue with this is that I only started this new job in November so it's far from ideal. I do also feel like my Mum would just tell me to "man up" and stop being so ridiculous! 

My Dad admitted to me today that he doesn't want to wake up and see reminders of her all over the house everyday. Which I find hard as I'd like to keep the photos etc up. But I do understand why he wants to get rid of the clothes - they have to go at some point right? And is there ever a good time to go through them? Probably not. So may as well do it when it hurts. I've been going through more today with my friends helping and just keep anything she bought as souvenirs etc. My Dad isn't keep to help which I get so I'm glad my friends are willing to help (plus they're getting some free clothes out of it!) Who knew someone could own so many clothes? I've been through 3 wardrobes already and not even got onto the drawers!! My parents are slightly older than your (63/64) and my Dad is retired. I think if he had a full time job he would probably be better off but for now he has a small business running cycling classes in the evenings that is moving locations which is keeping him occupied. 

Thanks very much - I appreciate the offer and as you can tell by the message above I'm going to take you up on that offer! 

Em 

Yeah those last few days are horrible, I hated it when my mum was ill. She was in hospital for over a week and was confused all the time and started making things up. We were preparing for her to come home, when my dad rang to say that doctors said mum was dying and had hours of that to live. And in this time she fought for 5 days although she was in a coma like state and didn't really know what was going on. 

Yes you have to do what's best for you I find it easier being at work as it's a distraction for me. Whereas when I'm at home or out and about is when I randomly just start crying. It's good that your boss is understanding and is letting you have the time off you need. There's no time limit on how long a person can grief someone, I'm still grieving my mum and it's nearly 3 months on. I feel like I will never got over it. 

Don't worry too much about your dad mine was the same the first few weeks of my mums death he didn't want to see anything of hers in the house. I told him not to bin anything and just to put out of sight until we both went through it all. But now my dad has loads of pictures up of my mum. He was building my mum an orangery that my mum was so looking forward to using, as my mum for that last 2 months of her life spent it in bed. So they were planning on putting a bed in there so my mum wasn't on her own upstairs and could look at the countryside. But my mum never got to see it as it wasn't finished in time. It's finished now and we call it Lou's lounge after my mum and is filled of photographs and my mums favourite ornaments. Your dad will get there soon, but just give him the time he needs to grieve. It must be a horrible feeling for them having everything and all of a sudden being on your own. 

No worries talking about it really does help and it's good to know that you're not the only one out there. And that others are having to deal with similar situations to you. 

Steff xx

My Mum varied over the last few weeks. I saw her on the Saturday afternoon and she seemed in good spirits, was chatting and knew what was going on and then on Sunday evening they decided she couldn't fight another infection again and Monday morning she was gone. It all happened so fast at the end. And we were never given a medical reason for her sudden deterioration which makes it harder to comprehend that it was just her mind/nody giving up, when she was such a fighter her whole life.

I think gried is going to be a long process. This year is going to be a lot of "firsts without Mum". Like my first Valentines Day this week without a single card as my Mum always bought me one no matter what! I'm going to try and go back to work next week - I know she wouldn't have wanted me to put my life on hold and be sad all the time.

My brother and I finished sorting through all of my Mums clothes this week so now my Dad dones't have to see them everyday. He's hidden all her jewellery away in a box for now. Which is fine but I'm the kind of person who would like to wear a necklace or something so I feel like she's always with me but I know Dad won't be ready to face the jewellery for a long time. Ah that's a really nice thing that your Dad has finished that. My Dad is talking about the kitchen done as that's something they'd been thinking about doing for a while but I think that's more so he just has a project to distract himself for a while.

Ye it's definitely better knowing there are others out there going through the same thing.

Em x